I fell madly in love with a man in high school, but my father hated
him,(even fixed me up with a blind date one time) finally I couldn't
take it anymore and I broke up with this man and started dating
(1 guy) when I met Jerry (bdad) he was smooth and guess what
my dad liked him they could talk sports, etc. so I thought I was
doing the right thing.
Well I ended up pregnant and as you can imagine Jerry swore it wasn't his, We worked at Howard Johnsons together and one evening I had a lobby full of customers and he came in to yelled "well you are just going to have to prove its my baby" you can imagine the embarrassment, shame, humiliation....we've all felt it...So after that I planned to get an apartment in town and my boss at ho'jo's said he would go along with the story that they were transferring me to Maryland for management training (great guy).
The apartment was in the worst section of town, drugs, prostitution etc. but I thought "well I can do this til the baby comes and then go home" reality was something I didn't have at that time. Anyway My mother came to me to tell me, her gut instinct and I was filled with shame.
Mom helped me get into an unwed mothers home Catholic Family Services, Kal, MI it was there that I spent the last 41/2 months. It was also there that I met PennyFRgod what a girl! she was adamant that she was keeping her baby, and of all of us darn it all, she would have made it. But the brainwashing began and they even had us trying to talk each other into adoption I think the agency felt the more of us placing our children the more pressure it would put on the others, and I don't know of many that kept.
Finally 4-29-77, it was my turn labor began, not too bad but then something went wrong I was given a spinal and I don't remember much after that. I remember the baby crying and realizing hey that's my baby, and then I began asking what is it, is it OK, no one was talking, Finally one of the nurses held my baby up and the Dr. said something to her and back to sleep I went, only to wake up in a dark room, no one was there I tried to get up to go to the bathroom and passed out. The nurse found me and then the tears began.
The nurse ( angel) brought my baby to me, it was a girl, she was perfect oh how I loved her, I remember giving her back to Jesus and thanking him for allowing me to have her, I begged that he would take good care of her and someday bring her back into my arms. I remember leaving the hospital empty arms, broken heart, the caseworker would only let me see her a couple times while she was in foster care.
Finally the court date, tears, the judge took me into his chamber alone and said "who is forcing you to do this" being the weak person I was I said no one and I went back out there to sign, I never wanted to cause any more hurt or embarrassment for my family, how could I bring this child home, what would the neighbors say etc. etc.. then about a week and half later, I called the caseworker to tell her I'd changed my mind I want my baby and I am coming to get her....only to hear the words." well you'll have to get a lawyer and fight me for her now."
The weakness again set in and I felt I had lost the next few weeks I don't remember, I somehow managed to go back to work I had to pay all the hospital, foster care, and agency bills off. I then decided to plan my suicide, it would be quick, easy and it would look so much like an accident my parents would never know and feel no blame, they would think I'd gone to heaven, and I didn't even care where I went I was worthless, the night before I was to do this I had a dream, I was lying on my back at the bottom of a valley, filled with rocks, mud, creatures, I didn't even care or try to move, I looked up and there was this huge hand, and I knew I had to make a decision to take that hand or lay there a die, although I really didn't want to take that hand, I did and I know it was my Jesus, and I know that someday he will allow me to put my arms around my darling and tell her, I have loved you from within, I have loved you from afar, but I will love forever you are my morning star...
A few years later I married and my husband was very good about holding me when I cried, he never said much, just held me and then I remember being pregnant again and knowing I would have boys only no more girls for me, after all I didn't deserve another girl, I'd given mine away, and as long as they were healthy that's all that mattered right? well you can imagine the joy, and some sorrow that filled my heart when the Dr. said to my husband and I "we've got a girl" oh thank you Jesus and then to hear those same words again in 21/2 years Oh my Jesus thank you!"
And then I prayed " lord you've sent me 2 precious gems
my dean would love to have a son, do you think maybe????
well 6 years later I'm pregnant again, but I'm not to happy about it until my
precious daughter said to me one day,
"Mommy you can't be sad or mad about
this baby, its a present from Jesus."
Out of the mouths of babes right??
It was then I remember praying to Jesus that if I were ever to get pregnant again, could the Lord find it in his heart to send my Dean a son. Well at the ultrasound at apprx.. 8 months the technician asked me if I wanted to know the sex and I said, "yes" "You have a little boy in here" "oh thank you Jesus" I said and the technician smiled" Now being the queen of surprises, I went home that evening to tell my Husband that we were having another girl. He was a bit sad but very happy that the baby is healthy. The Dr's and nurses were under strict instructions to go along with my plan. (teehee)
On March 7, 1991 we were in the hospital having our gift from the lord. Dr. Feldmeier was gracious enough, to allow me to deliver my son (once the shoulders were out and he knew things were ok) and then to hand my husband the gift from Jesus, Our Son. The Dr. and nurses stepped back and allowed us to have our time, and then the nurse talked my husband into cutting the cord, after that this little bundle was engulfed in my husbands huge arms and heart, they are buddies to this day. He says, "I have my 2 princesses and 1 prince, now what more could I ask for?!"
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