First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
I'll never, no never, go near one again.
The breeder said 'show him' when I bought the dog,
I showed him alright - the whole place was agog.

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in,
So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue
And stuck the card on his back in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
In the dog pup class (this part was the worst)
We marched in together as fast as was able -
Arrived at the judge, who said 'up on the table.'

This really suprised me, my skirt was quite tight
And I just couldn't make it, try as hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried, he said 'listen here -
Put your dog on the table, not you my dear!'

By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool
But I said to myself 'play it cool, play it cool'
'How old?' said the judge, and I heard it quite clear
Well really! I thought and said 'thirty next year!'

The steward, poor fellow, threw some kind of fit
He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit
'I'd have that cough seen to' I said to him when
He'd finally stopped....then he started again.

'Once round the ring, dear, as quick as you can'
Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran
But when I arrived (out of breath I admit)
The judge said 'Your dog, dear' - I felt such a twit!

Off round once again, I kept my head bent
Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went!
The lady came running with bucket and spade
With manure so pricey, had she got it made!

We came back to the judge who said with a frown
'Stand your dog' I said 'Please sir, he's not laying down'
'You can take the first prize stand' he said - I said 'Ta!'
What a job I had getting the stand in the car!

Author unknown.