Good morning everyone, friends, neighbors, fellow parishioners and family of Robert John De Toy. We are especially grateful to those of you who braved a long winter trip to be with us. I am Brian, Bob and Lois's youngest son. Over the next few minutes I am going to try and help us all understand and rejoice in what has and continues to transpire in Bob De Toy's life. I say rejoice because we know Dad has gone on to a life with our Lord.
My theme today is simply this --- Bob De Toy was a good man. He was a good man in his service to his nation in the military, in his service to the communities in which he and Lois lived, especially within their churches, and he was a good, good, family man. And so today we celebrate the life and passing of Bob De Toy. The Book of Wisdom, Chapter 4, verse 7 says this about men like my Father, good men taken too soon, ---The Just man, though he die early, shall be at rest. And, of course, we take great comfort in that thought. Dad is at rest, peaceful, calm, heartfelt rest. He is in the bosom of the Lord and of his family who went before him and, in the case of his dear sister Josephine she is walking beside him into the great hall above.
In serving his nation, 20 years in uniform and another 13 as a civil servant, Dad was the epitome of the strong, stalwart soldier. He was the type of man the country could count on when the chips were down and someone had to go. He signed up at the age of 17, in early 1951, when times were darkest for our forces in Korea; and he joined the Infantry, the grunts, knowing he'd be sent to the front. And when he got over there months later, he went to the very front, to a reconnaissance unit. And he did his DUTY and he did it well. And he did it well for another 20 years, rising to the rank of Master Sergeant. As a Signal Corps NCO he twice served in Vietnam. He was also very proud of the military service of his brothers and of his children who servedmy sister Kate, and brothers Jeff and Matt, and me. Dad received numerous awards and decorations throughout his career but it was the people he worked with and for that was most important to him. Here are a few words from along the way:
(1) From the very start, 4 May 1951, LTG Aurand to Mrs Camiel De Toy: It is with pleasure that I inform you that your son Robert arrived at Honolulu on April 20th for his 14 weeks of basic training. That was his 18th birthday, too! The Chaplain reports that he had a talk with your son on April 27th and found him in good health and enjoying Army life. He will continue the practice of regular attendance at Mass and the Sacraments. This last must surely have pleased Clemence, as Dad described her for me once, when I asked for a word to illustrate his Mom, Bob said she was Pious or Religious. By the way, I also asked Dad to describe his Father, Camiel, in one word. It was impossible, Bob said, but he did settle on a few like Strong, Trustworthy, Dependable. I like those for my Dad, too.
(2) And from near the end of his career, 26 Mar 1969, an officer wrote of him, SFC DE Toy is unusually well-qualified. He far surpasses the requisites of his present assignment. His professional military demeanor, attention to detail, and consistently sound judgement qualify him for the highest levels. He has rare talent.
Yes, Dad, was a good soldier. He always did the right thing; he was scrupulously honest. Here is a military payroll deduction order for $65.52, dated 21 March 1972, to be deducted from Dad's pay. Here, in Dad's words to the post engineer in Hawaii, is how that came to be: On January 15th, my son Jonathon (13) accidentally broke the downstairs commode. He had been bowling in the afternoon. His ball was left in the car, so he used an alley owned ball. Just prior to the incident, he was washing dishes and thinking of his bowling score. He saw his ball in the bag which had been left in the kitchen & thought to see what the difference was in the weight of his ball as opposed to the alley ball. He picked it up, inserted his wet fingers and the ball slipped from his grip, bounced on the kitchen floor, glanced off the bathroom door and HIT the commode. Do you remember that Jon? We all do. You owe Mom $65.52. A last thing from the military sideDad would never, never ever, bring a work item home for personal use. Not a pad of paper or even the little ubiquitous black US Government pen. Im sure all of us kids have the same sense of rightness. Just last week I was doing some work on the kitchen table and Sabrina spied a black stapler that sure looked militaryshe said Brian, is that stapler supposed to be here? Is it from where I think it is? With that, I cocked my head and looked at her with a quizzical, You have got to be kidding look. Immediately, she withdrew the question, saying Im sorry, I know you De Toys would never do that. Thats from Dad and I am proud of that!
Much of Bob De Toys community and church service you all know as well as I. But did you know he coached numerous sports teams? Especially football and baseball for Matt and me. He was hard-nosed, but always a teacher. And he taught that, while winning is important, sportsmanship and playing fairly were paramount. Did you know he and Lois have built or rebuilt about five churches? They used to think that wherever they moved it seemed to be to a parish that was just starting out or was rebuilding. But they loved being a part of the church community that decided what was going to happen. Dad felt it so much that, as you know, in lieu of flowers these past few days he requested money instead be donated to Holy Trinitys building fund. He was a Knight of Columbus for 40 years and served as a Grand Knight and District Deputy. He was a President of the St Vincent de Paul Society, always helping those in greatest need. And he volunteered his time and talents, especially mechanical and woodworking, to making every church and every community a better place to live and worship.
Bob De Toy was a good family man. A good husband to a lovely and devoted wife, and a good father to a handful of children. Seven of us born within nine years of each other. Of course, that says a lot more for mothers constitution than his! By the way, as an aside, because Bob and Lois were having so many kids so fast, it was a running joke with their families back in Minnesota and Colorado that just maybe these two youngsters didnt know how babies were made and thats why they kept having them! Mom and Dad got back with a little joke of their own, not informing their families of moms pregnancy with me in Okinawa until after I was already born. Moms family in fact was gathered in Colorado on October 28th, a week later, and they were saying Isnt it about time for Lois and Bob to have another baby? One of them then walked outside to the mailbox and came back in with my birth announcement!
Mom and Dad have had such a special relationship. They have sen, and done, so much together. That is a key word with them. You could always count on them together; you get one, you get them both. They were a united front as parents we couldnt play one off against the other. They were always there for us helping us grow in school, athletics, church, life. Mom has always been the guiding spirit that animates us all, she is the strength behind and beside all of us, including Dad. Mom has been so, so strong these past years. Her fortitude and courage match Dad's and we are all so very proud of them both. There is a bench outside in the Grotto that we dedicated to our parents last June. It is inscribed with these words from I Corinthians 13:13:
There are three things that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."
Mom, we love and cherish you so very, very much.
Mom and Dad raised us right, as they saw fit and as they knew. Of course, they were a couple of kids themselves when they were getting started, and we know they learned some things along the way. Between us kids, we have always felt there was a bit of a parenting divide between the oldest four and the youngest three. And, of course, we all think that the youngest, Jennifer, got off scot-free! Dad was a disciplinarian, but in the greatest sense of the wordhe was teaching and helping us grow. And Im not talking of corporal punishment, although there certainly was a little bit of that. Right, Jon? Jon used to run and cry even before the belt came out! No, what Im talking about is the kind of discipline that comes with expectations. There was nothing, nothing worse in the world than hearing these words from DadSon (or daughter), Im disappointed. And he wasnt disappointed in usno never, we were his children, his flesh and blood. Instead, he was disappointed in our actions. And because of that it made it seem to him as if hed failed us and not we failed him. And that was especially tough on us. To have Dad disappointednothing worse. Dad wrote us all a note that he wanted given out upon his passing and we printed it out on Sunday. One of things he wrote was this, Your love for each other, mother, and myself, is what families can only hope to achieve. How very fortunate we are. That does not mean that I have always approved of everything you have done, but you have all learned much from your experiences.E Dad loved us all deeply without question, qualification, or reservation. He would, and did, do anything for us. Each of us has several pieces of Dads handiwork in our homes. For instance, I have 6 beautiful bookcases and a dictionary stand among other items he made for me. We all have some of Dads woodwork.
Actually, Dad could do just about anything with his hands. He really admired his big brother, our uncle Frank, who was similarly blessed. Every house we lived in, Dad immediately began making additions and improvements to. He was a tremendous carpenter, plumber, electrician, mason, and auto mechanic. His tool sets and workshop are legendary. He did almost all his own home and auto repairs as he didnt have a lot of money sitting around to pay others to do this type of work. He learned to do it himself and he loved the sense of accomplishment. He passed on these traits to my brothers Jeff, Jon, and Matt, all of whom are accomplished men too, though, frankly and I know they would admit it, none approach Dad for being a jack-of-all-trades. This self-help gene, however, didnt quite last to pass down to me. Instead, though, I did get Dads swell ears! And each of us has our special story of Dad dropping whatever it was he was doing and coming to our aid, whether as children or adults. And not once or twice, but many times. He served his family as he served his nation and churchselflessly.
I know Ive gone on and made Bob De Toy sound too good, something almost saintly. But he was a true flesh and blood man. He could be stubborn and volatile. Woe be to the driver who drove recklessly down Dads block; as soon as they stopped they might have Bob pounding on their drivers window! But he knew he could have a temper and spent his life controlling it. Quick to rise but equally quick to recover. He was not a grudge holder. Any prejudices he had, and he did, were confined to abstractions. He was simply incapable of judging any one person other than by their own individual character. He had a simple, giving heart, and a genuine desire to help others. For all of us, Dad has always been a true friend and counselor. I have not made many major decisions without consulting Dad and Im sure my brothers and sisters are the same. Dads advice was precious, his approval like water to a thirsty man. Brother Matt has a saying about how he lives his life, not only WWJD, but WWDDWhat Would Dad Do? I think the same. Matt reminded me that Dad never did anything that he hadnt already calculated. He didnt take unnecessary risks. He never bought a Lottery ticket and neither has Matt. Neither have I. Dad did simple, quality woodwork, and built it with a minimum of fuss. Measure twice, cut once he said and Matt says too, as well as Cleanup the shop when youre done. Some of this, of course, fell under the category of do as I say, not as I do. There are other sayings of his that have become our own. I am always using these twohis skeptical, Now I find that hard to believe, and his educational, Now let me just say this about that. Jeff, who works a lot with his hands like Dad and is fearless in getting a project started even when hes unsure of the outcome, uses this one when something unexpected happensYep, I was afraid of that."
Bob De Toy was a good American. He loved this country of ours. A rock-ribbed Minnesota boy, raised with the good common sense of his father, Camiel. Born during the Depression, he and Mom continued the story of the Greatest Generation. They had respect for the past and confidence in the future. One of Dads favorite authors of late has been Steven Ambrose (who himself passed away last year of cancer). Last Christmas I gave Dad Ambroses last book, published a week after he died. Its entitled To Americapersonal reflections of an historian. Dad read it, enjoyed it immensely, and gave it back to me at the June reunion. He didnt need it anymore; he wasnt planing on reading it twice. Dad was the same way with moviesseeing one once was enough. He simply could not understand how we could sit and watch Its a Wonderful Life" year after year, or how Matt and I have seen Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail" too many times to be good for our souls. Whenever any of us would return from seeing a movie, talking excitedly of it as being so great, Dad would always ask, with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his mouth, It was the best you ever saw, wasnt it? He didnt spend a whole lot of money at theaters. Though, when we were younger, he and Mom would make popcorn and hotdogs and pack us all up in the station wagon and off wed go to the drive-in to see a double-feature. We thought it was just wonderful and they thought it was a pretty cheap night out. A few months ago, however, Labor Day weekend we were all gathered at Matt and Anitas house in Oklahoma City in preparation for Matts open-heart surgery (something Dad had had 10 years ago). As a family we all went out and saw the Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall film, Open Range" Dad enjoyed it thoroughly. Its themes spoke to him, Im sureit was a western with scenes of a beautiful America, it was about the open air country life, and it was the triumph (with a struggle) of Good versus Evil. Here is my final movie moment with Dadin 1970, living in Hawaii he asked if anyone wanted to go see the new Napoleonic WaterlooEepic. No one raised a hand but me and I got to sit with Dad for three hours in that beautiful old Post theater; I had him all to myself. My love of history was growing and Dad was the reason. From little acorns mighty oaks do growtoday that little seven year old boy has become a professor with a PhD emphasis, of course, on the Napoleonic era. And now I am passing on my love of history to the next generation. Thanks, Dad.
Bob De Toy has also been one hell of a fighter for the past ten years, since the leukemia began taking its toll. He made it as long as he did through tremendous willpower and doggone stubbornness. But also with the help of the wonderful staff of St Johns Hospital. Dad spent a lot of time in the past few years in that home away from home and we are so grateful for the care he received, especially from the nursing staff. He always bore his sufferings with good humor and with the grace that comes from humble convictions and belief. He had been through so much, so many physical calamities, that I began referring to him as Job. For instance, ten years ago, on their 40th anniversary, Mom and Dad came down to visit me in Florida. We had a wonderful anniversary dinner and then they headed off the next day to visit Orlando, the Disney parks, etc. They got back to Missouri a week later, at which Dad confessed he thought he maybe needed to see a doctoras he had been in pain the entire trip. In fact, his body was beginning to give out already and hed had numerous hernias in his stomach. He didnt want to ruin the trip so hed sucked it up and drove on the mission. Only when the mission was accomplished did he seek some help for himself. That type of thing happened time and again over the last decade.
Last February you may know we thought we were going to lose Dad when he had surgery on a blood clot on his brain. It was quite bleak and the doctors told us to call everybody in as this might probably be it. Dad was in intensive care after the surgery and things got worse and worse. We were allowed in for 20 minutes every four hours for several days. And, so, Dad did most of this fight alone, without his family. Of course, he did make it. And thats because he was not truly alone during each of those 4 hour periods without the family gathered around. He had his Lord and God right there beside him. Dad put his life into Gods hands and together they made it through. Bob De Toy had the heart of a lion and would not give up. I distinctly remember one of those 20 minute visits, as I was leaving I kissed him and whispered in his ear, Dont give up, you fight, do you hear me, you fight." He squeezed my hand, hard, he blinked, and he continued with his lonely fight. And I knew right then, that if it was humanly or heavenly possible, he would make it.
As you know, we just celebrated Mom and Dads 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday. Frankly, on Friday evening we werent sure it was going to be. Dad was again in one of those tight spots. We thought of calling Father Riedy; Dad said no." He didnt say much at all else that night; he was in some pain and fighting hard to be with us. All of us took turns assisting with him and talking with him. Again, I leaned close and whispered SGT De Toy, if you think its time to stack arms then thats OK, were alright with that. But if you can soldier on, then cinch up those rucksack straps and keep marching.E Later, out loud I said You hang on, Dad, you just hang on." For one of the few times in those hours, he opened his eyes, gripped my hand hard (and he hadnt had any strength for the previous several hours) and he said, As long as I can." What a shout of joy from all of us there was. And he made it through the anniversary, of course.
This past Sunday, a very appropriate day, Bob De Toy, husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend, passed away at the age of 70 just before sunrise. Later that evening, soon after the sunset, his beloved sister Josephine joined him. We all know this was not mere coincidence but was meant to be that they walk into heaven holding hands and ready to meet their family and Lord together. Im sure Bobs twin brother Dick was there to greet them, with a big Where the hell you been?" And then Dick asked brother Tom to deal the cards. Yes, theres a big pinochle game being played right now. And Dad so especially wanted to see his sister Clara, and his brothers Lou, Frank, Pete, and Dan, and his parents Camiel and Clemence. And they are together now, at peace and for eternity. And for that this is truly a celebration and a thanksgiving. For none of us could wish anything better for Dad than to be in heaven among the angels; he was one on earth you know?
We have a lot of family here today, Lou De Toys, Frank De Toys, Clara Carlsons, Tom De Toys, and Dick De Toys, and all of the community families of Marshfield and Springfield. If nothing else, Dad was passionate about family. He kept us connected, he kept us in touch, he kept us vibrant. His phonecalls, his loving, precious phonecalls, meant so, so much to him and to us. He comunicated to and through us in a very special way. Lets not lose that.
Let me close with just a last couple of thoughts.
Think of this--We can go through our lives like ships or lighthouses. Which one was Bob De Toy? A ship can be large and beautiful. It is powerful in its space and makes a big bow wave to its front. It is moved by wind and tide along the ocean. We know men like that. A lighthouse is solid and immoveable. It does not run off from place to place. In fact the ocean breaks upon its sturdy, resolute solidness. A ship may make a big impression at one time but as it moves on, its wake is covered by the ocean so that soon there is no trace of its passing. A lighthouse lasts for years, centuries. Its purpose is saving lives, rescuing those in need. Its light shines forth like a beacon, promising salvation for those that see it. Which one was Bob De Toy? I think we know, dont we?
Lastly, Id like to end with this, from Shakespeares Hamlet. They are spoken upon that princes demise and they speak to us of Dad -
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
On reflection, after all of this, Bob De Toy was not just a good manhe was a great man who we all dearly miss and continue to love, knowing that one day we will join him again. Thank you and God bless you.
