~LIFE's QUESTIONS & OTHER STUFF~


Here are a few of Life's little questions for you to ponder for alittle while.... This page will grow with time, so be prepared to read, and chuckle! I sure did!

  1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
  2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  3. If there is no GOD, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
  4. When a cow laughs does milk come up it's nose?
  5. Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
  6. How did a fool and his money GET together?
  7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
  8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  10. What's another word for thesaurus?
  11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  12. What do they use tho ship Styrofoam?
  13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
  14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
  15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  16. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  18. When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
  19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  20. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
  21. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  22. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run
Chairs & Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is good.

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with fore paws. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out, and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.

Guests:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish-N-Glop on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric and color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing.

For walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Work:
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Play:
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 am.

Reminder:
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.


Top 14 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning to Kill You

  1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
  2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
  3. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
  4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
  5. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
  6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
  7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
  8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
  9. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
  10. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
  11. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
  12. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
  13. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
  14. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

Excerpt From Diary of a CAT
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.


HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
  1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
  2. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  3. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
  4. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
  5. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
  6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
  7. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  9. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
  10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  11. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
  12. Send email messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  13. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.


Top 11 engineers' terminology's and what they really mean

  1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED -We still don't know what we're doing.
  2. AN EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED TO OUTLINE A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM-We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
  3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION -We know who to blame.
  4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH-It looks very hi-tech, but still doesn't work.
  5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED, ASSURED-We are so far behind schedule the customer will be happy to get it delivered.
  6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE-The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
  7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING-We were so surprised the stupid thing works.
  8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED-The only person who understood the thing quit.
  9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS-It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
  10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT-Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
  11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL-Let's spread the responsibility for the goof-up.


    USELESS FACTS...FYI?
    • A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
    • In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
    • The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
    • The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms that are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
    • The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.
    • 'Stewardesses' is the only word in the English language that can be typed with one hand only.
    • Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning, "containing arsenic."
    • Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
    • Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
    • Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
    • Camel's milk does not curdle.
    • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
    • Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
    • The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
    • All porcupines float in water.
    • "Hang On, Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
    • Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
    • Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
    • If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire Town Hall, you are entitled to receive $0.10 from the town.
    • The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
    • Non-dairy creamer is flammable. - EEEEWWWW!!!!
    • The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie" (thus the name of the Don McLean song).
    • The only nation whose name begins with an "A," but doesn't end in an "A," is Afghanistan.
    • Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.




    Back up to Top

    1