I have only had one true “mentor” in my life, and this was a man old enough to be a “youthful” grandfather to me. He was a dear minister of the Lord, and his name was Jim Bennett. He had -- among many other accomplishments in his life -- the distinction of pioneering quite a few churches in his day. And, as a young man, he had also been a “pugilist” (for you non-Howard Cosell fans out there, that means he was a “boxer”). And Jim Bennett had the broken nose and the rugged, craggy facial features to prove it.

He was a big man, over six feet tall, and he was a heavy man, though certainly not obese. To me, he was a “big ole teddy bear” (who enjoyed giving “big ole teddy bear hugs”). Brother Bennett was a gentle and patient man at heart, and he was especially gentle and patient with me. All the years he knew me (and dealt with me), he never once lost his temper, spoke sharply to me, or even in any way at all disrespected me (and I did plenty -- as a brash and careless young Christian -- to earn his disfavor and/or impatience). That’s not to say he did not have words of discipline, direction and correction for me -- for what good would a true mentor be without them?

However, even when the correction came, all of his words were always seasoned with grace and mercy. As I look back on my life, there are three people that I have always held in the highest of regard, and he is one of those three. He has gone on to be with the Lord now, but I remember so many things about this man, about his ways, and I particularly recall some of the “words of wisdom” that he shared with me and so many others.

One of the things he often spoke was: “If your feelings are that easily hurt, then maybe they need to be hurt!”. This was usually spoken when someone had openly declared that someone else had done or said something to “hurt” their feelings. But he never responded to such a claim in a way that was abusive, accusative or demeaning. He always managed to say it in a way that was somehow comforting...and even encouraging. I do not think I have ever known anyone else that could “get by with” that kind of a comment (most people would come across as being uncaring or insensitive, but his way was a true gift). He was not intent on belittling the one who thought their feelings had been hurt; he was simply relating that sometimes we are all a bit too “sensitive”, and we needed to allow the “normal” testings and trials of life (and friends and family!) to come our way -- not resisting or denying them.

Also, as I sit here writing -- reflecting back on this man of God’s influence on my life -- I have this little thought to add: Anyone “relating to” or “sharing with” others that someone else had “wronged them” is---in all probability---revealing that they are harboring anger or unforgiveness in their hearts towards that person...feelings that need to be “dealt with”. And, as a minister, that was one of Pastor Bennett’s wonderful ways of dealing with them.

Another of his quips was: “You can be ‘sincerely’ wrong!”, and he shared this bit of wisdom whenever he was listening to the plans or the heart of some struggling Christian who was attempting to justify some tactic or some idea. Usually this Christian would be speaking out of anger or frustration, making claims or declarations that were simply not Christ-like. But far and above all of his phrases and euphemisms, his most favorite phrase of all was: “You can be ‘wrong’ being ‘right’...”. He often used this phrase when relating to someone who was trying to justify a “means” to an “end”, even when those means “seemed” correct and proper and maybe even Scripturally Correct!!!

Many were the times when I would hear him use that phrase; many have been the times when he used it on me. It has long since become a part of me, and even though I may not “say it” often, I do “think it” often -- even while considering things in my own life. I often find myself considering this fact: What is my true motive, or what is my “angle” in any given situation? And even though I may be “in the right” with an attitude or a thought or even a carefully devised “scriptural” plan, will I ultimately be “wrong” if I carry it out or fulfill it???

Considering this, many times I have to honestly “reconsider” my thoughts or plans. Actually, it falls very much within the confines of the Scriptural Principle: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...”. Even though what I am thinking (or planning) may be scripturally “correct”, the way in which I decide to “carry it out” could be a hindrance to others, not to mention the fact that it could be harmful, discouraging or even devastating to other members of the Body of Christ.

For example, consider the verse: “The Truth shall make you free...” (John 8:32). We hear it (and perhaps say it) often, and many times it’s sort of “pulled” out of context when we quote it like that, but that’s what many of us do at times: We “pull” scripture out of context. However, when we “pull” this particular verse out of context, using this particular “Scriptural Truth”, we can mistakenly conclude that “all truth” at “all times” is a good and proper thing. I hope we all know that this is simply not the case. Even so, I know people who go about “spouting off” whatever they think about everything and everyone, any time they desire...justifying their words and actions by this verse. But this is not what that verse means.

There are many such verses we could look at, but that is not the purpose of this writing. The purpose of this portion of our writing is to make us all aware that “thinking (or believing, or even hoping) ourselves to be right” does not necessarily make us “in the right”! Many times the disciples said and did things (thinking themselves to be justified and in the right), only to be corrected (sometimes sternly) by the Lord. Suffice it to say: In many areas of our lives, let us be careful and sensitive and considerate, because -- even though we might think ourselves to be on “Scriptural Ground”--- we can most definitely and very easily “be ‘wrong’ while we are being ‘right’...”.

• First Part •
The first part of this Life Lesson deals with those who find themselves (at any time) in the role of “counsellor”. The second part deals with that also, but goes into another area as well. Before we go on, though, allow me to explain where I learned this (once again) Simple Life Lesson. While attending a Bible School in 1985-86, I had the pleasure and honor of sitting under the teaching of a wonderful sister in the Lord -- another of those saints whom I include in my list of three people that I have always held in the highest of regard (as I mentioned above, under Lesson # 5).

This dear lady, Rev. Charlotte Baker, had already impacted the lives of my wife and I, through some teaching tapes someone had given us in the early ’80’s. When we later had the chance to attend the Bible School where she was teaching, we practically “jumped” at the chance. I took two of her classes during one semester (I would’ve taken more had I been able), and one of those classes was called the Pastor’s Class. In this class she taught many practical things, but the thing I will mention here came while in the counselling portion of that class, and she spent a good three or four weeks on that area, covering many subjects and nearly any kind of situation that we, as ministers, might face one day.

Here is the important thing we learned: Whenever we might find ourselves in the role of “counsellor”, “mediator” or “advice-giver”, we need to always be very conscious of this very real fact: There are “Two Sides” to every story...it doesn’t matter if we’re talking to our best friend, a close family member or someone who is just coming to us for advice. We must always, always, always remember: Don’t form a solid opinion or give too-quick-of-advice, UNTIL we’ve heard both sides...! This is especially hard to do when we are hearing something that has been a source of pain or discomfort in our own lives; or a situation where we, ourselves, have struggled. It is equally hard whenever we cannot “hear” both sides, for whatever reason that may be (but is does happen from time to time), but for our purpose here, let us assume that there are “two sides” to the story we’re listening to and that we have -- at our disposal -- the “other” side.

It is also important to know our own limitations, i.e. are we ABLE to give advice or offer help in the situation we are dealing with, or do we just “bluff our way through”? Though I hesitate (somewhat) to do this, let me share two pieces of worldly advice that come to my mind right now...the first is from an old Clint Eastwood movie, and it goes like this: “A man’s got to know his limitations”. The second piece of worldly advice comes from an old Kenny Rogers song: “You’ve gotta know when to hold ’em; know when to fold ’em; know when to walk away; and know when to run”.

I am always extremely hesitant to share worldly bits of advice for several reasons, not the least of which is the concern that someone will misconstrue the meaning or the purpose for sharing them. So here is My Disclaimer: I am not giving my “approval” of wordly movies and music (and I am not an Eastwood or Rogers fan!). The basic fact of the matter is: the first “bit of advice” is heard quite often in everyday discussions, and the song is often heard in many shopping malls and offices -- so it is sort of difficult to “isolate ourselves” from these kinds of things.

Also...lest we forget: We often quote great poets or important lines from great literature. Here, in these references I’ve mentioned, we see they are merely from our own “pop culture” -- or even Hollywood wisdom from the twentieth century, to put it another way. And even if this is our own “pop culture”, the meaning and intent behind this modern wisdom should not be “lost” on us, for it should be evident: Even the world knows (to some degree) when to admit they’re “in over their heads”...and so should we.

And so...whenever we find ourselves in that role of confidante or advisor, let us be faithful to the Lord, first of all, treating that one to whom we are imparting advice with respect and honor. If the Lord gives us the sound words of counsel to help...fine; if not, never be afraid to say: “I do not know...but I will do all I can to find out”. Giving advice and counsel to friends, relatives and acquaintances can be very tricky, and we need to be as honest and as honorable as we can possibly be, not allowing our own prejudices and ideas to cloud our judgment. Being willing (and patient enough) to hear both sides of an issue proves (among other things) that we have a certain amount of maturity and wisdom with which the Lord can work -- and anything we “lack”, He can and will impart to us (James 1:5-7).

• Second Part •
The “rest of” this Life Lesson (learned at the same time as the First) involves another rather tricky area of ministry---and one that has been the downfall of many---so I place it here as not only a Life Lesson for me, but this should be a caution and a word of sound advice for everyone. Very simply put, it is this:

As a single person, don’t give “private” advice to a married person (especially a member of the opposite sex)...even if it’s a close friend. The same goes for a married person giving “private” advice to a single person or a married person giving “private” advice to another married person

Now, please...allow me to “clarify” that. Many, many times in ministry, the occasion arises where we (as single people) might be tempted to counsel “in private” a married person, whose spouse may not be present. Or we, as a married person, might be tempted to counsel a single person (with our spouse not present). Now, on the surface, this might sound silly or even fearful, but I am primarily speaking of times when we might be tempted to counsel a member of the “opposite sex” under these conditions. And I am also suggesting that single people have no real need to counsel a married person... most definitely if that married person is of the opposite sex and unaccompanied by their spouse. Do you see where I’m going here...?

There have been far too many ministers and ministries who have fallen into sexual sins, simply because they did not think they could succumb to the sins and temptations of the flesh. But if you never put yourself IN that sensitive and vulnerable position, you will never have get OUT of such a compromising position, nor will you ever have to know if you are able to do so or not. So many ministers are now without churches, wives and families because of one little indiscretion that usually began with one careless, innocent “mistake”. And I’m speaking of good, Godly men and women who truly knew better... just one little “lapse in judgment” cost them their families, their churches and their ministries. It literally cost them their lives.

When single people try to minister to a member of the opposite sex who is married, they---first of all (being “single”)---cannot truly “know” the depths, the mysteries and the subtleties of marriage---never having tasted of the mysteries of marriage (and Paul does clearly state, in Ephesians 5:31-33, that there is a “mystery” to married life). Though hard to swallow, this is even true if that single person has been married before. I realize this “sounds” very prejudicial, but anyone who has suffered the ravages and despair of divorce (and who is now single) knows the lasting pain and confusion that such a thing can bring (and truly: Only the healing power of the Lord can heal and deliver any of us from that state---and, IF the Lord has “healed” you from past pains and memories, then He has most likely also given you the wisdom to know how to counsel “wisely”).

Carrying this idea a little further, let me say: Someone still seriously struggling to overcome the pain of divorce does not want to submit to more pain and confusion trying to help someone else overcome those same struggles, especially if -- while in the midst of the attempt to help -- they become emotionally embroiled and involved with that married person (and this happens all the time...). It just isn’t wise for single people to try and be marriage counselors if either they have suffered through divorce OR if they have never even been married at all! And besides...whether we want to admit it or not: Divorced (and even “widowed”) single people (usually) have a lot of unresolved issues, which makes them even less likely to be a good, honorable (and safe) counsellor. This is definitely not always true, but it is true more often than not, and “discretion being the better part of valor” should help us agree with the Words of our Lord: “be wise as serpents, but harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16).

Now then...the danger of a married person (whose spouse is not present) counselling a single person of the opposite sex: This is a very dangerous thing! We should never counsel alone in this manner... never! It’s not that we need our spouses there as some kind of a “back-up”, but as a wise and safe “protector”. To further illustrate this: I will not give counsel or advice (or, as you will see by my next example, not even encouragement) “in private” to a sister in the Lord. When my wife is nearby, I always grab her hand. This is NOT out of fear, but rather out of wisdom, and out of many years of careful observation (not only of myself, but of other Christians and ministers I have known), and this is a simple “safety rule” that my wife and I established long ago. Not because she does not trust me, and not even because I do not trust myself, but rather it is a Simple Protection for both of us, and even for the one we are counselling or sharing with -- because you can never know what someone is thinking...way back in that hidden area of the mind.

Here’s just one example: Once, in a church we attended, I had a specific “word of encouragement” for a young woman who sang before the pastor preached, so I told my wife (shortly after I knew I had a “word of encouragement” to share) that I wanted to speak to this young woman before we left church. It accomplished at least two things: I got to “share” what encouragement I had, but my wife also felt led to share some words of her own, and---hopefully---that young lady was encouraged. And let me just say here: Those “words of encouragement” were more than just “Oh, what a lovely voice you have” or “My, what a wonderful song!” What I (we) shared was much deeper and more personal than that. So I am not suggesting that we should never “encourage” or “thank” one another for a job “well done”.

And beyond all that...with my wife there, as a strength and enabler (and my partner), there was no room for the enemy to “pry his way in” to this young woman’s heart, “insinuating” his own deceptive or confusing thoughts and ideas---because (like it or not, there are times when) even the “best” of intentions can “mis-fire”. And please accept this word: Our “careful concern” and “caution” is not some heightened state of paranoia, for I have seen and heard, firsthand, very simple words being misunderstood and completely misconstrued.

Am I trying to instill fear in our hearts by saying these things? I sincerely hope not, but if it has sounded that way, please allow me to suggest this: If you are single, and you just feel you have to “share something” in the way of counselling with a married person (who is of the opposite sex), then please get that person’s spouse to hear that counsel “together” (for the two are one, after all). If we, as single people, will follow that simple little rule of thumb, then we will never find ourselves in any kind of compromising position. And, as married people, if we will get our spouses to “tag along” with us as we minister, whether in word, in prayer or in counsel, then we will not be tempted in a place that we might not be able to get out of.

If, by some chance, our spouses are “unavailable”, then it won’t hurt a bit to wait till they are available...for it never hurts to wait -- on anything. Of course, we should know: The flesh always wants to “rush in” to these things, but if we can wait we will always be in a safe place of integrity and honor; if we can wait we will never find our “indiscretions” causing grief or pain for our families or for others.

In closing this portion, I feel the need to say this: Ministers who travel without their spouses have to come up with an “alternative plan”, and by that I mean wherever we minister it is always wise to have others “around us in ministry”, as we pray for, minister to, and deal with others in the Body. This can be a pastor, another couple or some other person of sound reputation. I realize not everyone can always have someone “standing by”, overlooking everything said and done -- it simply isn’t practical or expedient at times, but the Lord will always give us wisdom in these matters.

To take that thought even further...we should certainly take to heart Paul’s word to the Thessalonian church: “Forsake, abstain and shrink back from even the very appearance of evil...”(1st Thess.5:22). And we need to know this, beyond any shadow of any doubt: God sees, hears and knows everything we do, say (or even think!). So let each of us minister and live accordingly! It is when we think ourselves beyond reproach or out of the reach of temptation that the enemy has a sure shot at us. So let us each be wise as serpents and harmless as doves, and may each of us who thinks we are standing firm and established have the heart to heed Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians: take heed lest we fall into sin (1st Cor.10:12).

So...you fancy yourself as wise and able to “counsel” others...? That’s wonderful, but please consider this: Do your ministry with Godly Wisdom, wise caution and the understanding that many fine men and women have carelessly and needlessly fallen, being caught “off guard” and “unprepared” for what they faced. We truly need wise counsellors in the church today, but please “be wise” in imparting your wisdom...