I mentioned last week that I had been seeking the Lord on a certain “other matter” in my life, when He began dealing with my heart about “loving my wife.” Now, of course, like all men, I thought I already did love my wife. It’s sort of like the old story about the couple who had been married for thirty years, and now they found themselves in a marriage counsellor’s office. When the counsellor asked the wife what was wrong, the wife replied, “He just doesn’t love me anymore”. The husband laughed, denying such a claim, and calmly explained, “That’s silly -- I told her that I loved her when we first got married -- and I also told her if that ever changed, I’d let her know.”

Now, while we may smile at that amusing little story, too often that is really true -- men do not tell their wives that they love them as often as they should, and when they do, it can very easily be in the wrong way! I know firsthand about that little failure...and believe me, it is not little! The best way to tell someone you love them is to show them! When God ordained He would reveal His Love to the world, He could have sent thousands of angels worldwide, all telling of the magnificent Glory and the beautiful Wonders of God’s Great Love. They could have gone from continent to continent, reaffirming the Love of God. They could have produced miracle after miracle, revealing God’s Great Healing and Mercy. They could have done this and so much more. Instead, God chose to send His only begotten Son, “Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God.” Let’s take a look at this passage in Phillipians, to get a firm grasp on this thought.

Phil 2: “(5) Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, (6) Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God; (7) but made of Himself no reputation, and took upon Himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. (8) And being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. (9) Wherefore God also has highly exalted Him, and given Him a Name which is above every name; (10) that at the Name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, things in the earth, and things under the earth; (11) and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Jesus, the Son, did not think He was “usurping” or dishonoring God, the Father, when He expressed Himself equal to God. We see, in John 5:16-18, “Therefore the Jews persecuted Jesus, and sought to slay Him, because He had done these things on the sabbath day. But Jesus answered them, ‘My Father works hitherto, and I also work’. Then the Jews sought all the more to kill Him, because He not only had broken the sabbath, but He also said that God was His Father, making Himself equal with God.” Jesus knew His position in the Godhead; He was not lesser -- He was Equal. And yet He willingly and gladly submitted to the Father.

The next few verses (John 5:19-20) show us the Heart of Jesus, in regards to this matter: “Verily, verily, I say to you, The Son can do nothing of Himself, but only what He sees the Father do; for whatever things He (the Father) does, the Son does also . For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself does (He holds nothing back), and He (the Father) will show Him (Jesus) greater works than these, that you may marvel.” Jesus was not separate from the Father, neither was He doing His “own thing”, independent and free from any authority. Jesus, the Son, submitted to the Father, as the Head over Him...it did not make Him “lesser” by any stretch of the imagination.

And so it is in this thing Paul called “a great mystery”...marriage; and yet he quickly said he was speaking of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). The mystery was and is: “a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” It is the same with Christ and the church, which is filled with believers who have forsaken the world and its ways to cling to Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. They have left the carnal, natural ways of life and joined to and become one with Jesus Christ. There are many things we could touch on here, but I will restrain myself and refrain.

Allow me to simply say -- not all Christians have made Jesus Christ their Lord, while all Christians must believe in Him as Savior in order to be born again. There are many titles or names of the Lord Jesus Christ...Lord is only one of them. Savior is another; Healer another; Provider another, and so on...only as we get to know Him can we truly appreciate and understand and honor each of His Wonderful Names and attributes, which all reveal another aspect of Who He is.

And so it is in the “mystery of marriage”. Probably 90% of all trouble in every marriage stems from the root cause of poor communication. Everything from very little communication to no communication to mis-communication is the cause of more division in homes than anything else. It is only when we stop and listen and truly hear one another that our problems will begin to resolve. As all married people know...problems do not magically disappear overnight; in fact, sometimes they seem to multiply! The way around or through many of these problems is to communicate, as God did, when He gave us His only begotten Son.

I’m sure most of you have heard countless teachings, lessons and stories about how God, the Father, got together with the Holy Spirit and Jesus, deciding to send Jesus, the Son, to earth as the Ultimate Expression of Love -- to be our sacrifice, restoring us back to the Good Graces of God. I will not belabor the point here, except to say that God’s Plan was a Perfect Plan; there was not, is not and never will be a flaw anywhere in it. Why He chose to show us His Love this Way, I do not know, but I’m glad He did, and the point here is: He showed us His Love by giving us His Love. He gave the most precious, most dear, and closest thing to His Heart...His Son. And it doesn’t just stop there.

One more verse: 1st John 3:16 “Hereby we perceive the love of God, because He laid down His Life for us -- and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” The word “brethren”, here, includes wives, dear men of God. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, giving Himself for it...” (Ephesians 5:25). Can we find it in our hearts to be willing to lay down our lives for our wives? And what does “lay down our lives” mean? Before we get to that, let’s consider one more Part of God’s Great Love towards us...

This verse is taken from Romans, chapter five, where we learn about faith, being justified by faith and how our faith is “increased” by sufferings and “tribulations.” Here are the first eight verses of chapter five:

“(1) Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, (2) by Whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. (3) And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation works patience; (4) And patience, experience; and experience, hope.

(5) And hope does not cause us to be ashamed, because the Love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, Who is given to each of us. (6) For when we were still (unsaved and) without strength, in due time Christ died for each one of us, the ungodly. (7) Now, scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. (8) But God commends His Love toward us, in that, while we were still (unsaved) sinners, Christ died for every one of us.”

What is a “righteous man”, mentioned in verse 7, above? The Greek word, dikaios (dik’-ah-yos), means “equitable (in character or act); by implication, to be innocent, holy, just, right (with God).” Verse 7a is saying that it would take much work or with great difficulty would someone die (or give their life) for a man (or woman) who was innocent and just, and certainly unworthy of death. Verse 7b broadens the field somewhat, when it says that “peradventure (or possibly) for a good man (someone valuable or virtuous) some would even dare to die.”

But verse 8b puts everything into perspective, when Paul (by inspiration of the Holy Spirit) writes, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” The first part of that verse (8a) states that this Act, where Christ died for us (the ungodly), is the act of God commending His Love for us or to us. What this means is, God decided to not only “show us” His Great Love; He also made a very firm decision to abide with us and stand by us WITH this Love, for that is what “commending His Love for us” means. It also means to “continue with” or “covenant with.” He has not, nor does He plan to ever abandon us or forsake us; that is just not in the Nature of God.

We must, as husbands and wives, also maintain this healthy attitude in our marriages...we must build and build and make certain the foundation upon which we have built can withstand any attack from without or within. Like God, let us not only “show” our great love for our spouses, let us also make a very firm decision to abide with and stand by WITH Love those to whom we are married.

And, for no extra charge, allow me to share this little nugget I was taught many years ago by a most wise Bible teacher: Never, never, never even allow the word “divorce” to escape from either of your lips. For once it does, it sits there in the midst of that home, brooding and glaring and growling (sometimes for years), until one day it attacks. Even in anger, do not let that word pass your lips, for once that word is sown (and without the Grace of the Lord intervening), it has the potential to reap a very deadly harvest.

One of the “theme songs” of the Charismatic Movement of the early seventies was They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love. I’m not even sure of the title, or even if there ever was a title. I just know -- everywhere we went, and in all of the meetings for quite a few years -- it seemed we sang that song before, during and after each of those meetings (that probably wasn’t the case, but it seemed that way). It fulfills the words spoken by Jesus to His disciples, in John 13:35: “By this shall all men know that you are My disciples, if you have love one to another.”

There is also truth in this regarding marriage -- we must each love our own spouse, irrespective of what may be going on in our marriage at the time...in other words, even when I don’t feel like it, I must show love towards my wife...this is how men (and especially my wife) will know I truly love her. Oh it’s easy to love our spouses and our children and all mankind when all is going well! It’s when the hard, tough, trials of our lives come; when the children are not doing all that they should or could; when we find ourselves caught between work, family and even the church; when we are stretched beyond our very limits... that is when we find out that of which we are truly made. And usually what we find out is not a very pretty sight.

Now, let’s be very honest here...there is no such thing as a 24-Hour Blissful & Perfect Marriage, where there is a constant, perfect atmosphere of peace, joy and harmony 24/7 (24 hours a day, seven days a week). It’s just not possible when dealing with human lives in the midst of human situations, human emotions and human turmoil. That’s why there is such a thing as forgiveness, nestled within this thing called love. And, if we do truly have love in our marriage, then all men and all women (including our spouses) will know we are His disciples.

Of course, the negative “flip side” to that is -- what will men know of us, if we do not have or “show” love for our spouse...? Even more disturbing...what will men think of God if they know we are Christians, but cannot show love to our families and our wives? Following, hopefully, are some helpful words of encouragement to men who may struggle in this area.

What does “lay down our lives mean?” I’m afraid, dear brothers, it means a whole lot more than we want it to mean. Let’s go back and look at a few words from Romans 5:3-5, where it speaks of tribulations, patience, experience and hope. Do these words ring a bell to any of you who are married? I’m fairly certain a lot of married people are vigorously nodding in agreement.

I have often heard it said (usually in a kidding manner) that if you truly wanted to “grow” in the Lord, just get married...you will mature very quickly. Unfortunately, that is only true if we allow those periods of “tribulation” to help “work out in us” the patience we need to endure them. This is what I referred to in last week’s writing, when I said that I had been asking the Lord about one thing, and He starts “pointing” to something else.

He’s very good about doing that...as we try and focus on one area we think to be important, He shows us the real area in our lives that needs working on. I thank Him that He does that, but it is not always easy to “work” on the areas He points out. So it was with me, when I began asking the Lord to help me see and understand the Body of Christ...

...“Where do I fit in? What do I do? What about me?” I asked these questions, so that I might understand what I needed to do next! I felt I needed to do something! Anything! “Just tell me what to do, Lord!” And so He answered...with our conversation going something like this...

“Please, Lord, tell me what to do!”

“Love your wife.”

“No, Lord...what I meant was, what am I supposed to do, in the overall scheme of me and the Body of Christ?”

“Love your wife.”

“Oh, but You don’t seem to understand...I already do love her, Lord...now, if You would just be so kind as to help me see...”, but He persisted...

“...Love your wife.”

As I thought on all of this, I figured surely the Lord must have misunderstood me; or maybe, just possibly, I misunderstood Him. As I said before, this really perplexed me. Finally, I thought, “Well, maybe this is God speaking to me.” So I went about trying to figure out what God must mean. I looked up “love” in my Strong’s Concordance, studied it out and after a few weeks, I was ready. One day, for no apparent reason, I said to my wife, “I love you”.

Now, it was not as though I had never said those three words to her before, but this was different. Like I said, it was no special ocassion; I just spoke those words and I felt so good, doing what God had told me. I did this for several days, maybe a whole week, feeling more and more proud of myself each time I spoke those three little words. Then something terrible happened! My wife asked me, “Why?” I can still remember the feeling...I was caught off guard. I was stunned, thinking, “What does she mean, asking me ‘Why’?”. I thought a moment, then I simply told her the truth...now, the truth cannot hurt...can it? Or can it? Men, learn from my error...do not make this mistake.

I simply, and somewhat proudly (I must confess), finally told her that “I loved her because I had to; that the Lord had commanded I do such a thing”. What was so terrible about that? I knew what I meant -- I was being obedient to the Lord, on several levels. I had done what He had asked of me; I had done what He told me to do; I even made sure I went and studied it all out before I acted upon it. So, what was wrong; what did I fail to compute into all of my studying and learning? You women probably all know...you men are probably saying, “Yeah, the Lord does command us to love our wives; that’s scriptural.” Well it may be scriptural, brothers, but it isn’t what the Lord meant when He told me to “Love my wife.”

So now...after saying what I said to her, why would my wife ask me “Why?”. I really wasn’t ready for that. I can still remember her expression...it was not one of pleasure and comfort, as I thought those three little words might produce. For those who may be wondering what the big deal was...most women, if not all women, need much more than the mere saying of the words “I love you”. They require action to back it up. And thus began a very long and arduous journey of me learning “what love really meant”.

Why did I suddenly decide to say “I love you”? And now, more importantly, how was I going to “back up” those very special words? I would begin a process of finding that out -- searching my own heart; aligning up my heart with His Heart, so that my motives and thoughts and ideas would be a blessing and an encouragement to my wife, my partner, my friend.

It may have taken me a good five or six years to get where God had “aimed” my heart to go. The day I had asked God to show me “what am I supposed to do in the overall scheme of me and the Body of Christ?”, was the day I began to understand what Love truly meant and what Love truly was. Both His Love for men, and our love for Him. And, a man’s love for his wife. I cannot say I love God, and hate or be at odds with my brother...or my wife; I cannot say I love the Body of Christ and be divided from any of its members, including my wife.

Now, let me explain something...my wife did not reject my words of love as I spoke them to her; she just needed actions or proof about my love, as any of us do, when we first meet and fall in love with our spouse-to-be. And, although this was not a case of our first having met, it was a case of me “getting the horse before the cart”. I had been “cruising along” in our marriage, and now, suddenly, I’m telling her very frequently that I love her; in retrospect, I would have been curious, if not suspicious, myself.

Let me put this into some kind of perspective. If I am an unsaved person, and certain Christians keep telling me “about” the Wonderful Love of God, but I never see any “evidence of it” in their lives, it may take me a long while to be convinced of such Love. It will only be when I see “proof” of their love that I may find my heart being convinced (or convicted -- which is the same thing) of it all. When Jesus told His disciples “I am giving you a New Commandment, That you love one another. As Ihave loved you, that is how you should also love one another. And this is how all men shall know that you are My disciples, if you have (or show) love one to another.” (John 13:34, 35)

And so it is in marriage...we must have love one to another, showing (or proving) our love. Men: flowers never killed a marriage. If you know of such a case, I would like to hear about it. Also, to go along with flowers...encouraging words, help around the house, and various other “little things” never killed a marriage either.

One of the basic things I meant, when I asked Him “what am I supposed to do...in the Body of Christ?”, was for Him to teach me and show me about how to love His Body, because I, quite frankly, did not feel a part of His Body. I figured (though now I know He planted that thought or desire in my heart and mind) that something must be wrong; I must need to do something else, something more, something beyond what I was currently doing in order to feel a part of His Body. That’s why I initially began praying, asking God to “help me”; and “help” He did! “Love your wife!”

I can honestly, and beyond any doubt, say that if I had not learned “how” to love my wife, I would never have grown and matured in Him the way I needed to...the way He required that I grow. Paul knew his stuff...“tribulation works patience; patience produces experience; and experience builds up hope in our hearts . And hope does not make us ashamed (I am paraphrasing).”

All of those tiny, little, insignificant “things” in our marriage that somehow manage to grow into incredible giants (sometimes overnight, as I mentioned), can actually work in our favor, making us stronger, more secure in Him and in our marriage; it also causes us to gain experience and know how to better handle the same situation “next time”; and, it gives us hope. This hope in our lives and in our marriage will help us not be ashamed of our spouse, because that is a real problem in many marriages -- disrespect and being ashamed of one’s spouse. When we have lost respect for our spouse, it will directly reflect upon our own hearts and lives; we cannot avoid it or get away from it. It will affect us.