"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpentars going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its' advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause and then the Lord spoke..."government."
Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was, "This is the Gate of Heaven." Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read, "Use Other Entrance."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. "They couldn't get a babysitter" a small child replied.
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran and 40 Presbyterian."
During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means...tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!"
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that miniscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out.
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired.
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
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