2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel Services.. You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my Gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their shpiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my Gosh!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)...If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Well, now you know how I feel."
To put this to the test, the group studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. The scientists finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."
Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and a $75 call thereafter. Okay?
Bill: Uh, yeah. The first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated.
Contractor: Yeah, some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.
Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.
Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room. Or you can use a stacker.
Bill: Stacker?
Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the living room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch, the chairs on the table, etc. You leave an empty spot, so that when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need and put it back when you're done.
Bill: Uh, I dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The light bulbs we brought with us from our old house don't fit. The threads run the wrong way.
Contractor: Oh, that's a feature! The bulbs you have aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to new bulbs.
Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round instead of rectangular. How do I fix that?
Contractor: That's another feature designed with the customer in mind. Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.
Bill: Your kidding!?!
Contractor: Nope, it's the only way.
Bill: (Sighing) Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.
Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource, preventing other fixtures from accessing.
Bill: And how do I fix that?
Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house. Then you can get back to work.
Bill: That's the last straw! What kind of product are you selling me?
Contractor: Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it.
Bill: And when will it be fixed?
Contractor: Oh, in the next house, which we'll be ready to release next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays... Sound familiar.....
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