Jokes #13

County Workers

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

After a preacher's wife took her overworked husband to the family physician, the physician took the wife aside and whispered: "I don't like the way your husband looks." "I don't either," she replied, "but he's always been a good father to the children."

Miss Jones had been giving her second grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Last Wishes

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

On the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful!!!"

A precious four year old was brought to the Emergency Room with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there" The child looked at me and calmly stated, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."

Aging

When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance, the whole night through.
Now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason my youth is now all spent,
My get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin,
Of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I've retired from life's competition,
I busy myself with complete repetition.
I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is not there I know I'm not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

-Author Unknown

They're Watching

Once as a pastor was building a house, he noticed a young boy sitting on the street watching him. Every day the boy would just sit and watch.

Finally the pastor went over to him and asked. "Do you want to learn carpentry?"

The boy replied. "No, I just want to see what a preacher does when he hits HIS thumb with his hammer!"

~~~~~ ><\\"> ~~~~~

"YES.... They're *ALWAYS* Watching"

Ten Words That Are Not In The Dictionary But Ought To Be!

In this world of double-speak, new words are being added to our language every day, so why not a few more really good ones!

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. the actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak'to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking dinners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee'zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

The Astronaut Pen

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, NASA decided that it needed a ball point pen that would operate in zero gravity. After considerable research, the ASTRONAUT PEN was developed at a cost in excess of $1 million US dollars. The pen worked well and enjoyed some success as a novelty item back on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

A Walk On The Wild Side

Two guys are walking through the forest when a very angry grizzly bear emerges from the tree line. One of the men immediately bends down and begins to remove his hiking boots and put on sneakers. The other man watches with astonishment and says, "What are you doing! A bear can run faster than a quarter horse. You'll never outrun that bear!"

At which time the first man finishes tying his second shoe, stands up and says, "I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you!"

Is Anybody Home?

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Boy: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Boy: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Boy: (whisper) "The police department."

Saleman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

Thanks Yvonne! God Bless YOU!

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