After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "Not until after the police arrive."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."
The Aussie, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.
"Great move, Einstein," said the kiwi, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat!"
This little prayer's inside my head.
God bless my mom and daddy, and bless my little boy,
And take care of my husband - he brings me so much joy...
And God, there's one more thing I wish that you would do.
If you don't mind my asking...to just bless my 'puter, too.
Now I know that it's not normal to bless a small machine,
But listen just a second and I'll try to explain...
You see, that little metal box holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small components rest a hundred loving friends.
Some, it's true, I've never seen, and most I've never met,
We've never shacken hands or ever truly hugged, and yet.
I know for sure they love me, by the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them, much the same as I know you,
I share in what life brings them, so if it's okay with you.
Just take an extra minute from your duties up above,
To bless this little hunk of steel that's filled with so much love.
-Author Unknown
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, this puter's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
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