Jokes #4!

1) "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

2) "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

3) "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

4) "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

5) "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

6) "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

7) "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

8) "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

9) "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

10) "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

11) "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

12) 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

13) I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."

14) My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

15) Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

16) I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.

17) I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

18) If a man is talking in a forest but there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Dream of Mother

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

Believe It Or Not, The Following Announcements Actually Appeared In Various Church Bulletins!

1. Don't let worry kill you...let the church help.

2. Thursday night...potluck supper. Pray and meditation to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Beltzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed," accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

1) Put a chair facing your printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for a document.

2) Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but didn't have time for lunch and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting - during the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes.

3) Insist that your email address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.

4) Everytime someone asks u to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5) Everytime someone asks u to do something, as them if they want fries with that.

6) Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your companys products - forward the mail to a co-worker asking them to settle the disagreement.

7) Page yourself over the intercom (DONT disguise your voice).

8) Name all your pens and insist that meetings cant begin until they're all present.

9) Come to work in your pajamas.

10) Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

11) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits - always wear them one day after your boss does (this is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are).

12) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names.. "that's a good point, sparky".. "no, i'm sorry i'm going to have to disagree with you there, chaci".

13) Include a piece of your chilrens artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write (if u dont have children, draw stick figures yourself).

14) Schedule meetings at 4:14 pm.

15) Encourage your co-workers to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

16) Agree to organize the company Christmas party- hold it at McDonalds playland - charge everyone $15.

17) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.. for example "if anyone needs me, i'll be in the bathroom".

18) No matter what anyone asks u, reply "okay".

19) Put your garbage can on your desk - label it "IN".

20) Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

21) Build models of the seven wonders of the world using empty soda cans.

22) Put on your headphones whenever the boss comes into the office - talk in a loud voice - remove the headphones when he/she leaves.

23) When in conversation, no matter where u are in the office, mutter" i think my phone is ringing" and leave - go get a coffee,

24) Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many".

25) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

26) Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

27) Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.

28) Talk into your daytimer.

29) "Hi-Lite" your shoes - tell ppl that u haven't lost your shoes since u did this.

30) Organize a carpool - go pick everyone up in a taxi.

31) Hang mistletoe over your desk.

32) Include a personal note on every email u send regarding company business.. "on a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today".. "on a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on tetris last night".

33) Bring in those dishes that u tried to cook, but didn't turn out "quite right" as special treats for your co-workers.

34) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

35) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

36) Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge and try to pass them off as your children.

37) For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and a snorkel.. in the fish tank.. if no one notices, take out the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch with your mouth.

38) Send an e-mail message saying free pizza, free donuts, etc.. in the lunchroom - when people complain that there was none.. just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "oh, you have got to be quicker than that".

39) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks...once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso!

© 1997 mcpumpkin@geocities.com

Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook