Jokes #8

Oh The Times, They Are-A-Changing

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed. When he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the '90s woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.

How To Handle Stress

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your mastercard to pay your visa.
Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat on it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled, hard-boiled egg.
Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hair in each nostril.
Write a short story, using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery... using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they are in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.

As Written In The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do, it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him" replied the lady.

Stuff And Nonsense

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sun shine is like, you know...night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sunday School Teacher: "what evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"

Boy: "They raised Cain!"

A pastor had a practice of leaving his puplit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in a children's church. One new member didn't understand. One day he said to the minister, "Pastor, you're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service".

Pastor's Announcement Before Offering:

"I would like to remind you that what your are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil".

After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets."

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor I will double my last pledge ." He sat down and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered "Pastor, I will give $20,000." This prompted a deacon to shout "Hit him again, Lord Hit him again."

A small boys prayer: "Dear God, I hope you take care of yourself. Cause if anything happens to you, we would all be in a terrible mess."

© 1997 mcpumpkin@geocities.com

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