(c) 1997, Kathryn Terrell
Why do people fall in and out of love so easily? Why do so many marriages fail? Why is it the person you thought you loved the most, you end up hating, or at least disliking enough not to want to live with them, or they with you?
Marriages fail between decent people, with a fair amount of good sense--not abusive, alcoholic, drug addictive, sadistic, or generally pessimistic individuals; but folks who you think would make a good, lasting marriage choice. Almost anyone will admit you have to work at keeping a marriage together, yet one or both partners may not practice this basic principle, so the marriage falls apart.
A good marriage starts with the relationship before marriage, before intimacy--back when you barely knew the person. A couple, at the very beginning of their acquaintance, ideally, start out without any sexual involvement, but instead determine to become real friends and remain in this platonic friendship for a good period of time--hopefully, until they are actually married. In the meantime, they are developing other similar friendships.
Sexual involvement before marriage is not necessary for finding a good marriage partner. In fact, it could complicate matters, as intense feelings, excitement, or infatuation will cause a couple to focus on feelings instead of common sense and practical wisdom. You are too involved with the person to really understand what he or she may be like in 25 or 50 years. The points below should help to explain what you really are looking for in a lifetime mate. And, if you are a Bible-believing Christian, you will appreciate the fact that sexual intimacy is not necessary.
If feelings are kept under control, it won't take too long to find out who you can converse with the easiest, who you have the most in common with, who you feel the most comfortable with. Also, you will be able to see how she or he treat their parents, siblings, teachers, bosses, and friends.
You will be able to know how they react to crisis situations and what they really believe in spiritual matters, family life, etc. If the friendship is not based on impressing one another, you will have a picture, closer to reality, of their true personality, attitudes, and biases.
When you view their faults (and, of course, they view yours), you will be able to analyze whether you could live with these without trying to change them. Of course, you will want to know if they are capable of taking kindly-given critcism without becoming terribly upset. Any of these items will apply to you also. They need to know and understand you too.
Let's say you've spent time with several eligible friends, but there is one you enjoy the company of more than the others. You have had many, many conversations about life and living, and what is important to each of you. You've been with them in a variety of settings and with family and friends. But, perhaps, there is more than one person you wonder about--somone else appeals to you too. Or you are not sure if the person is the one for you. What do you do?
Take a vacation. Go away for awhile, and do a lot of praying. Don't disappear without telling them, but go. . .
Who do you wish was with you? Who do you look forward to seeing when you return? Who do you want to tell about the trip--where you went and what you saw and did? And, when you come back--who missed you? Perhaps by then you will know. Or, on the other hand, perhaps after praying about it, and being away, you see more clearly this person's personality and traits, and you are not so sure as you were if they will make you a good marriage partner. The time away should allow you to see a better picture of the situation.
Is it time to declare undying love? Not necessarily. But it may be time to discuss the future. It may be time to show a little bit more affection. And it may be time to get better acquainted. By then, you should know if this person is someone you want to be with when you are both old and wrinkled. Or, by then, hopefully, you'll both know, when the excitement wears off, whether you will still enjoy a real friendship for the rest of your lives. You should know whether you are willing to spend time working to keep your marriage intact and at comforting level.
A friend ended her poem with these words: "The definition of love is doing for other people instead of yourself." I would say, the definition of married love is thinking of the happiness of your spouse, instead of your own, and if both partners continue to do this, their home will be a happy one.#####
BELIEVE AND BE SATISFIED
Contributed by Inge Anderson
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you are satisfied and content with living -- loved by Me alone in an intensely personal and unique relationship.
"I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that you long for. You will never be united with another until you are united with me -- exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. Keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that attitude knowing that I AM.
"Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you while you keep close to Me and work with Me in My work.
"Don't be anxious and worry. Don't look around at what others have gotten or who I have given them. Don't look at the things or relationships you think you want. Just stay close to Me, or you will miss what I have to show you. When you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are satisfied with Me and the life I have for you, you will not be able to experience the human love that exemplifies your relationship with me -- PERFECT LOVE.
"And my dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love -- the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you -- MYSELF.
"I love you utterly, I am GOD ALMIGHTY -- believe and be satisfied."
-- Author unknown (from *Encouragers for Christ* edited by Inge Anderson)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And he shall direct your paths.
-- Proverbs 3:5
"The relations between God and each soul are as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watchcare, not another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son." --Steps to Christ,* 100
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *