Colonel Taz's Humor Page

Dogs in Heaven
Thots About Dogs
Kids and Dogs
Twas The Night Before Christmas
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
New Puppy
Crossbred Dogs
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Men
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
Grand Prize Winning Theory
Help Wanted
Things We Can Learn from a Dog

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DOGS IN HEAVEN
An old man and his dog were walking down this dirt road with fences on both sides, they came to a gate in the fence and looked in, it was nice - grassy, woody areas, just what a 'huntin' dog and man would like, but, it had a sign saying 'no trespassing' so they walked on.
They came to a beautiful gate with a person in white robes standing there. "Welcome to Heaven" he said. The old man was happy and started in with his dog following him.
The gatekeeper stopped him. "Dogs aren't allowed, I'm sorry but he can't come with you." "What kind of Heaven won't allow dogs? If He can't come in, then I will stay out with him. He's been my faithful companion all his life, I can't desert him now." "Suit yourself, but I have to warn you, the Devil's on this road and he'll try to sweet talk you into his area, he'll promise you anything, but, the dog can't go there either. If you won't leave the dog, you'll spend Eternity on this road." So the old man and dog went on.
They came to a rundown fence with a gap in it, no gate, just a hole. Another old man was inside. "S'cuse me Sir, my dog and I are getting mighty tired, mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?" "Of course, there's some cold water under that tree over there. Make yourselves comfortable." "You're sure my dog can come in? The man down the road said dogs weren't allowed anywhere." "Would you come in if you had to leave the dog?" "No sir, that's why I didn't go to Heaven, he said the dog couldn't come in. We'll be spending Eternity on this road, and a glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now. But, I won't come in if my buddy here can't come too, and that's final."
The man smiled a big smile and said "Welcome to Heaven." The old man said, "You mean this is Heaven? Dogs ARE allowed? How come that fellow down the road said they weren't?" "That was the Devil and he gets all the people who are willing to give up a life long companion for a comfortable place to stay. They soon find out their mistake, but, then it's too late. The dogs come here, the fickle people stay there. GOD wouldn't allow dogs to be banned from Heaven.
After all, HE created them to be man's companions in life, why would he separate them in death?"
(Unknown)


THOTS ABOUT DOGS
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies."
--Gene Hill

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
--Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
--Groucho Marx

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
--Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
--Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
--Unknown

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation."
--Fran Lebowitz

"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job."
--Franklin P. Jones

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul --chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
--AnneTyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
--Rita Rudner

"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."
--Andy Rooney

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should and examine your conscience."
--Woodrow Wilson

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
--James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
--Nora Ephron

"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting."
--Dr. Ian Dunbar

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
--Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
--Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
--Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
--Ben Williams

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
--Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
--Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
--Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
--Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
--Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
--Unknown

"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
--Mark Twain

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it."
--Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
--Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
--Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
--John Steinbeck

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
--Rita Rudner

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
--Roger Caras

KIDS AND DOGS
One little boy really loves dogs, so when he saw a magnificent Saint Bernard on the leash, he rushed up hugged him and then began to stoke his long, bushy tail. Moments later, his mother came along and was horrified to see her child clutching the tail of the tremendous animal.
"Get away from that beast!" she shouted. "He'll bite you!"
"Oh no Mommy," he reassured her. "This end never bites!"

On the other hand, one little four-year-old cried bitterly when a large friendly dog bounded up to him and licked his hands and face.
"What is it, darling?" cried his mother. "Did he bite you?"
"No," came the reply. "But he tasted me."

Then there was little Susan, who was inclined to exaggeration. Her stories always seemed so full of adventures, and she could never be talked into admitting the complete truth. One day she was playing in the front yard when a fox terrier belonging to a neighbor darted at her playfully. With a shriek of fright, Susan fled to her mother and yelled:
"Mom, a great big lion ran down the street, jumped over the fence and almost ate me up."
"Susan," said her mother sternly," aren't you ashamed of yourself? "I was sitting here at the window and saw the whole thing. Now you go in your room and get down on your knees and confess that it was a little pet dog and you lied to your mother. Ask the Lord to forgive you for this sin.
Susan reluctantly went to her room and shut the door. In less than a minute she opened the door and poked her head out.
"It's all right, Mother," she said. "I told God all about it and he says he could hardly blame me. He thought it was a lion, too when he first saw it."

And while we're on the subject of children and animals:
"Hurry, Mother, and come look," said little James when he saw his first snake, "Here's a tail wagging without any dog on it!"

Little Dennis and a few of his friends are looking at some puppies. Dennis holds one puppy up in the air, looks underneath it, and states:
"That's funny... my dad can tell it it's a boy or a girl just by lookin' at the bottom of it's feet."


TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there
My husky was nestled all snug in her bed
while visions of nylabones danced in her head
Dad in his kerchief and me with hair curled
Had just settled down to read Dog World
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Off to the window I flew in a flash
Tore open the window and threw up the sash
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a luster of midday to the objects below
And what to my wondering eyes did appear
but a minature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
with a little old driver so lively and quick
I knew in a minute it must be St. Nick
With a sputter of ashes--a flurry of soot
He slid down the chimney with all of his loot
My poodles and husky stood there regal and proud
Guarding their home with barks oh so loud
St. Nick showed no fear and called them by name
He knew in his heart they were gentle and tame
He brought out his list and checking it twice
said "well, my beauties, all year you've been nice
I have in my bag toys and much much much more
Just tell me what it is that you really wish for."
My puppies spoke-much to my surprise
And turned to teach other with tears in their eyes
"We have chewies and balls and ropes to be tugged
We are pampered and coddled and petted and hugged
But for Christmas, Dear Santa, we have but one care
That all dogs be loved and no dog feel despair
We want no dog beated, whipped or chained
No dog abandoned, abused, or maimed
We want ALL dogs, no matter what size
to see love reflected in their master's eyes."
St. Nick stopped for a moment to gather his wits
"I have nothing to stop humans from being such twits.
All dogs are so beautiful and so much a treasure
living only to be loved and to give humans pleasure
This lesson I will try to teach
Then maybe your wish will be within my reach"
St. Nick leaned over and kissed each beautiful head
"Now you precious babies, go on to bed.
Think good thoughts and dream pleasant dreams
of running and jumping and playing in streams."
St. Nick turned to me, his face wet with tears,
"Be proud of your babies, they are such dears."
In an instead old St. Nick disappeared with a poof
And I heard him chuckle as he ran on the roof
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
TO ALL DOGS A GOOD LIFE!!!!

Author Unknown


DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?
Favorite Food
- Dogs: kibbles
- Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
- Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
- Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
- D: dog not found
- C: file not found
Favorite trick
- D: roll over
- C: play dead
Comic-page hero
- D: Dogbert
- C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
- D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
- C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
- D: replace valuable carpeting
- C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
- D: leash law
- C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
- D: pooper-scooper
- C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Sensitive internal procedures
- D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
- C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one kind-of like this" once
Method of marking territory
- D: lifting leg
- C: "Designed for Windows 95"
Unique behavior
- D: lick and drag
- C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
- D: dewclaw
-C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
- D: 12 years
- C: 12 months
At end of useful life
-D: euthanasia
- C: tax deduction


NEW PUPPY
Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair...
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR !
Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes ... What IS that mush?
Eat your cookie, drink your drink.
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!!
AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT !!
(And MUST you kiss me? After that????)
Yes, raising a puppy is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny, they're also quite crazy.
But don't despair, though it's toil and strife.
After 3 years, you'll get back your life!
So, let's go for "walkies", you can "do your thing".
(And perhaps I'll get back my GOOD DIAMOND RING!)

Author Unknown


CROSSBRED DOGS

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Deerhouse + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed


WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice if you call them another dog's name
Dogs are excited by rough play
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
Dogs don't shop
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
Dogs never need to examine the relationship
A dog's parents never visit
Dogs love long car trips
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it
Dogs like beer
Dogs don't hate their bodies
Dogs never criticize
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs never expect gifts
Dogs don't worry about germs
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a dayv Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry
Dogs don't borrow your shirts
Dogs never want foot rubs
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
Dogs can't talk
Dogs seldom outlive you


TOP TEN REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
10. More sophisticated fashion sense
9. Love to dance
8. Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command
7. Spend less time worrying about hair loss
6. Old buddies don't show up on doorstep unexpectedly
5. Utterly disinterested in professional sports
4. Your parents find them easier to like
3. Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends
2. Willing to hold your purse in public
1. Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play.


WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
-You will never see a cat crush a can of beer against its forehead.
-Cats do indeed shed, but at least their fur always grows back.
-A cat will gladly listen as you discuss The Relationship. For hours, if necessary.
-Cats never have to be told the correct way to use a litter box.
-Cats don't mind if you use them as foot-warmers.
-Cats understand the primacy of cleanliness and good personal hygiene.
-Cat's toys are simple, require little capital investment, and don't rule Their lives.
-If cats don't like your friends, they have the good sense to simply disappear for awhile.
-Cats do not believe that exchanging sport statistics is a form of intellectual discourse.
-Cats never belch after finishing their dinner.
-It's perfectly ok to switch emotions for no apparent reason. Cats understand this.
-Cats rarely get lost, but if they do, they have the sense to ask the nearest human for help.
-Cats can cuddle for hours, without ever feeling the need to switch on Baywatch.
-You will never see a cat's head do a 360 when some anorexic bimbo walks by.
-Cats are always happy to wear a collar, identifying their status and legal owner.
-You can leave a cat alone for a few days and have some confidence it will survive.
-Cats eventually get weaned from their mothers.


Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

HELP WANTED
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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