by Pam © P.Hartley 1997

It took the doctors 3 years to come up with a diagnosis. I was told that I had reflex sympathetic dystrophy,(rsds), "a muscle disorder, learn to live with it" I was told.

I am of the generation, or was at that time a believer that you didn't question doctors, they knew what they were talking about.

By that time, the rsds had traveled down my right arm and hand and had lost some use of it and it had become about 3-4" shorter than the left.  I would have bouts of pain that would be excruciating and my family physician would just give me pain medication.

In February, 1995, I started out of my chair and felt a debilitating pain in my back like someone hitting me over and over with a sledgehammer. To make a long story short, it took a week to get into the hospital, I spent 16 useless days there only to be told on the 14th. day that they would be sending in a physical therapist and I would learn to walk with a walker and have a wheelchair. The day I entered the hospital was the last day I walked for over 2 years.

This started the gamut of going from specialist to specialist and test to test. Seven months later I was finally told that the Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy had spread to my left lower extremity and I would never walk again.

I believe I knew inside what he was going to say but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I did not want to hear that and knew I better find out something about this disease.

At that time I had wandered away from the Lord and would not listen to anyone. I started doing my research and became more and more angry.  I was angry at the world, myself, everyone else, and especially God.

In October, 1995, I hit rock bottom.  My husband had come in from work and my son was there and I "forgot" I couldn't walk as I did from time to time and fell on the floor.  I just started screaming," I hate you,God!, I hate you, God!."  Thank God, He is a loving, forgiving Father who knew I didn't mean it and as my husband and son lifted me off the floor, My Father lifted me spiritually.  I knew that it was only through Him that I would find the strength to go on, not caring at that point whether I would walk again or not. I just wanted to do His will. 

I started an RSDS-FMS-Chronic Pain support group in my rural area that grew in size very quickly (much to my surprise).  I still did not go to any church, I had my own relationship with God that "I thought was enough".

On Father's day, 1996, my husband asked me to attend a church with him that his friend had been inviting us to so I said since it was Father's day I would go.  What a blessing, and a joy, both my husband and myself rededicated our lives to the Lord and our son was saved the same day.  From that day on I knew God had a special plan for my life, but I didn't know what it was.

Several months later, I stood up in church, with my husband's help and said I didn't know how, when, or where, but I would walk again. I said it may not be until I got to Heaven, but I would walk again. A couple of weeks later, we had to take my electric wheelchair in for some minor adjustments and I asked the salesmen if he had the type of crutches that just wrapped around your arms and he said that they did, so I asked for a pair.  Both he and my husband was very hesitant and skeptical, but he brought them anyway.

I knew I would walk even though my leg and foot had contracted and atrophied quite badly.  My husband told me later that as he looked into my face there was not one trace of fear.  They helped me to my feet and for the first time in over a year I walked around the showroom twice.  The salesman gave me the crutches. 

The next day I walked into church on two crutches and my pastor just cried. The following Sunday I walked in on 1 crutch. We all knew that God had honored my faith.

I wish I could say that I am running and jumping all over, but my healing has been slow.  God is working with me in many ways as my leg grows stronger and straighter. I have a physical therapist who has started working with me again and my leg is now only 10 degrees away from being totally straight again.  It was near 50 degrees from being straight approximately 6 months ago.

I have had other health problems since, because as we all know, when God has called us into the fold, satan will do anything to keep us from doing it.

I praise God for my healing, but more than that for my renewed relationship with Him.  He is there for me 24 hours a day and never leaves my side. At times we feel that He does, but that is when we left Him, He is standing there with His arms out, just waiting.

Reflection

We all have our frailities or disabilities and can not do what others can, but we can serve the Lord with everything we have.  That's what He wants for us.

I am finally at the point in my life where I can say, "Use me Lord, let me be your vessel!"

We all have a disability of some kind in our lives whether it be physically or spiritually, but please remember, He is there holding out His arms, just like He did for me.

ALLOW HIM TO DO IT FOR YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY.

Remember, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU !

In Christ's love,

Pam