Forgiveness. It's probably the toughest lesson that I have ever had to learn in life. It went against the grain of everything that was in me. But I have finally found peace that I never would have believed possible in learning to truly forgive.

I did not take on the lessons of forgiveness willingly. I did it, quite simply, out of self-preservation. Resentment was eating me alive and destroying my life.

Also, I claimed to be a Christian but I knew that my life wasn't very pleasing to God. Jesus said that we must forgive others. He didn't make it optional. His Word states quite clearly that if we do not forgive people for their wrongs against us, then we will not be forgiven for our wrongs against them.

"Matthew 6:15: But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 18:35: "So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."

When someone did something that hurt me, or said something unkind or untrue about me, my first reaction was pain. Searing, scorching emotional pain. It was like a mortal wound. I died a little.

Then the anger rushed in. Fury! How dare they say that about me! How dare they do that to me! Desire for revenge followed. I wanted to hurt them just as horribly as they had hurt me. Gradually, my pain and anger hardened into bitterness.

Jesus understood the deadly effects that unforgiveness would have on us. He knew that my bitterness hurt no one but myself. It took away my joy in living. It made me ungrateful. It blinded me to all the good around me. It ate away at me physically and mentally.

So one of the reasons that Jesus insisted that I learn to forgive was in order to spare me from the inevitable results of my resentment.

But I didn't want to forgive! I wanted to get even with those people. Nevertheless, I recognized that I had to attempt to forgive simply because Jesus gave me no option.

My first halting steps in that direction went something like this, "Okay, God. You said 'vengeance is mine; I will repay.' So I will really work at letting my resentment go--and I'm going to hold you to your promise to repay that person for me."

That was a rather comforting thought for a while. So I began to turn my unforgiveness over to God only because I figured He would be a lot better at dealing out the paybacks than I could ever be.

But then one day another thought crossed my mind. "If I hold God to his promise to pay them back, then that means that other people whom I have hurt can hold God to his promise to pay me back."

Bingo!

I was beginning to get an inkling of how this forgiveness business really works. Now I prayed, "God, I don't want the justice due me for all the people I've hurt by my selfishness and thoughtlessness. And there have been times when I have deliberately wounded people. I don't want you to pay me back as I deserve. I want mercy. I want to be forgiven."

Then Jesus's words really started to make sense to me. It was logical and right that if I wanted mercy and forgiveness for the wrongs I'd done to other people, then I had to grant the people who had wronged me mercy and forgiveness.

My new prayer lacked grace, but it was honest: "God, please don't give them what they deserve. Because I certainly don't want what I deserve!"

But how could I truly forgive someone when my resentment was still raw, open and festering?

I turned back to the Bible for answers. Jesus never told us to do anything without telling us how to do it. In this case I found the same instructions in three places in the New Testament: Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:28 and Romans 12:14: "Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."

So I started praying for those people that my heart still really wanted to see fried to cinders. Through gritted teeth I prayed that God would bless them, that he would heal them, that he would help them financially, that he would bless their marriages and families.... Everything that I wanted for myself, I prayed for them. And I felt as though I were lying through my eye teeth to God.

Nevertheless, that is what He said to do, so I continued to do it. And a really strange thing began to happen. After several days of praying that way, I began to realize that I really did want God to bless them. I began to see some of the things in their lives that caused them to act hatefully toward me. I saw insecurity, defensiveness, fear, their own bitterness and unhappiness, low self-esteem--problems that I, too, had battled with for much of my life. I truly began to feel compassion for them, and my prayers for their well-being became genuine.

And in the process, God removed the sting of pain and bitterness from my heart.

(I must admit, however, that for some people it took a lot more praying than for others!)

Very gradually, I noticed a wonderful change occurring in me. Gentleness, understanding, compassion--and yes, mercy, began to dominate my heart and my outlook on life. As St. Paul put it, the Fruits of the Spirit began to develop in me. As I had tried to obey Christ, His Spirit began working in me almost imperceptibly, day by day transforming my very character.

It took several years of practicing forgiveness for it to really become an integral part of who I am. But the rewards have been staggering. For the most part, I live life in a state of peace, serenity, hope and real joy.

I no longer have to go through agonizing weeks of praying through gritted teeth when someone hurts me now. Misunderstandings and hurt are a normal part of life. Almost automatically I simply turn it over to Jesus and let it go.

I heard a tape once that had a profound impact on me. It said, "Because I will need forgiveness tomorrow, I choose to forgive today."