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APRIL 5, 1999
These past several days have been real trying for me... both physically and emotionally. Physically, I've been fighting one heck of a cold. Haven't had one like this in a very long time. I'm usually very healthy--no colds just cancer :-) sorry, couldn't resist. I've feeling better though; however, my emotions have been on a roller coaster. Especially today. I had a slightly heated moment with my mother which turned into a deep, soul-searching discussion of feelings. You see... she and I have never been close like I envision a mother and daughter should be and that bothers me. I can't find comfort when she reaches out to hug me. It's like I've closed my heart off to such things because I'm afraid of hurt and rejection. Of course, this stunned her, but that's not really why I had the blow up. It was because I was trying too hard to make life easier for her and she wasn't listening to me. Like I have all the answers. Yeah right. I've decided I'm too much of a control freak and need to step back and just let her be. She's a big girl and can take care of herself. Right? Right!! Enough of that... I need to just concentrate on me, myself, and I. Because when it comes right down to what really matters, that's all there is. I have to look out for me because no one else will. I just need to trust in the Lord and have faith that I'm here on this earth for a purpose and one day that purpose will be disclosed to me. Patience is the key word here. Patience.
APRIL 10, 1999
Do you realize that what you make of your life is exactly what you are going to get?? I've been working on this daily for some time now (since my latest divorce) and I've almost conquered it. You see... I want a life that is meaningful, challenging, not too full, and stressfree. For the meaningful part, I've included my family and my relationship with John. Work makes it challenging. Not too full?? Well, this is where I say "almost conquered" because right now with my commute to and from work, I don't have much time for anything else; however, eventually, I want to include being a part of something. Maybe a member of a bowling team. Hmmmmmm.... I like that idea. As for having a stressfree life, I'm definitely conquering this aspect. I do things like sit on my balcony and enjoy nature. It faces a wooded lake so all I see are trees and squirrels and birds. In fact, I have a bird nest on my balcony that has real live baby birds in it. I think they are little sparrows. The parents fly in and out all the time bringing food. It's kind of neat to watch because one of them will actually come up while I'm sitting there and hop over and up to the nest. The other one (I'm not sure which is the mama and which is the papa) is still a little skittish so when it pops up on the balcony and sees me, it looks at me and flys away. I also have a little frog that lives among my plants and even a geiko. I really enjoy my balcony :-)
APRIL 18, 1999
The baby birds have flown away... so amazing that they grew so fast yet a little sad because I had grown so fond of them. It's funny how that happens in real life too. You meet someone and you grow fond of them and then they too fly away some day... or you push them away before they stay too long and you get too attached. Somehow it's easier that way... the pain is less if you're the pusher vs the pushee... that's sad in itself, isn't it? Oh well, it's just one of those days when the roller coaster has plunged down toward the bottom. Tomorrow will be a better day.
APRIL 28, 1999
Yes, tomorrow was a better day and today will be even better :-) That's what you call positive thinking!! Actually I'm heading to the big city on Friday and spending the weekend with John so my spirits are high. I'll tell you all about my romantic weekend next week... well maybe not "all" about it :-) Until then... have a great day!!
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