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I'm at Keesler AFB Mississippi for a 2 week TDY with my next to the last cancer checkup following.
The 7-level PSM course I'm attending is going very well. I was apprehensive about coming thinking that I would feel stupid since it has been so long since I attended the 3-level course in 1994; however after the first day I realized that I was just as knowledgeable as the rest of my classmates. One of these days I'll give myself a little more credit.
What I'm really looking forward to is John's visit next week. This will be the first time in 6 years that we will both be together in the same place where we met and fell in love. We plan to visit all of our hotspots to include the Bombay Bicycle Club, the pipe, the pier where we flew our kites, and a couple restaurants where we ate. I brought the camcorder with me so that we can make a video tape to capture the essense of what has kept us together all these years. Actually, we haven't been "together" all these years but our love has "survived" all these years. We are even going to expand this reunion by going on our first exploration/traveling adventure together to New Orleans. I've always wanted to go to the French Quarter to see what it was all about and now we have theperfect opportunity. Stay tuned for some new pics!
What was kinda neat though was I had no idea how John perceived what a new exploration consisted of. Meaning, when he went to someplace new, how and what drove his itinerary. We discussed this at length the other night and the conclusion was that we again have similar tastes :-) I like that... a lot!
Now if only I can produce the same kind of results with me, myself, and I. Meaning, here I am, I'm coming up on a 3-day weekend and I want to make the most of it alone. You see, I enjoying doing things with my soulmate, but I also enjoy doing things by myself. However, I always seem to cut myself short of what I really want to do because of fear of the unknown or just fear of ??? It's that unknown answer that I have to conquer. Fear of the unknown could encompass this other fear but I think it is more than that. I shall have to ponder this further. Until next time...
3 AUGUST 2000
I'm a little depressed today. I think it has a lot to do with the answers I got from John yesterday. In fact I know it is. I guess I had been hoping for a different scenario... a stronger one at least. Now I have to come to grips with the fact that he is a lot weaker than I wanted to admit to myself. You see... I'm a very strong person in many ways and I need a man that is just as strong or stronger. I guess time will tell. Anyway, we canceled the Keesler reunion because of things beyond our control and will try again another time. Speaking of time, January 2001 is approaching fast. This marks my being in remission for 5 years and I'm treating it as a new beginning. My first cruise will highlight my celebration :-) Hopefully I won't be alone.
til next time...
5 AUGUST 2000
Would you believe that I'm sitting in the Treasure Bay Buffet eating breakfast by myself? I've done fast food places by myself before, but never something like this. Of course, I'm tucked away in a dark corner, but actually I prefer it this way. I can people watch without being obvious :-) I like my own company and I like solitude. I'm going to learn to venture out more by myself without feeling the fear that usually accompanies my outings. Today, as well as, yesterday is a great start.
til next time...
11 AUGUST 2000
It's been a few days since I wrote last as you can see, but if you think about it, I've written more this month than the rest of the year combined.
I'm still at Keesler. I've graduated and am now waiting for my doctor's appt on Monday. To pass the time, I got my hair cut and colored this morning and now I'm in the movie theatre waiting for "Autumn in New York" to start. Should be a good movie and it will definitely pass the time.
Got some GREAT news yesterday... My promotion to Master Sergeant (MSgt) was reinstated with an effective date of 1 August. I was surprised it happened so fast. I was anticipating it to take 4 to 6 months. I guess what happened was the package got up to headquarters and they saw that there was no question whatsoever that an injustice had been done. I'm very happy that it's all over. The shock and the hurt is gone now :-)
later...
Autumn in New York left me feeling depressed. It was not a "feel good" type of movie. The ending was just too sad and in my current situation, a little too close to home in the aspect of him losing her because of circumstances beyond their control. So here I sit under the trees writing to myself. It's actually kind of peaceful. The sky is blue with white puffs of clouds here and there. The sun is shining. I can hear the birds chirping and can see the squirrels searching for food. My wine glass is full and my cigarette is lit. What more could a girl ask for?
til next time...
27 AUGUST 2000
To expound on my last entry of "What more could a girl ask for?" How about some more peace of mind? My situation with John has esculated to a point of no return. Meaning, I've pretty much decided that it is over, yet he doesn't know it yet. I guess I want to make sure in my own mind and in my heart before I absolutely say it out loud to him. I realized last week when I spoke to him on the phone that "the" feeling wasn't there anymore. It hasn't been for quite some time. My respect for him has plummeted in the last few months. Without respect, you have nothing...
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