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1 AUGUST 2002
I guess I pissed my daughter off tonight… I didn’t say the right things and kept throwing things out to her to think about that she didn’t want to think about… like her paying her car insurance… refinancing her car… paying payments on her dental… that life isn’t all about money, etc. etc. So she left in tears ;-( I said I was sorry, but I guess I’m dealing with my own issues of life and wasn’t very supportive… shame on me ;-( by the way, did I tell you that one of my aunts died and her funeral was today and that it tore me up completely? Yep, it sure did… mostly because it was one of my dad’s sisters which means that his turn is around the corner and I can’t deal with that… at all. But, of course, she wasn’t interested in what I’m going through… only what she is going through. By the way, the visit tonight was to tell me that they have pretty much decided not to have a big wedding… she wanted to know whether I was disappointed and I told her that that was a loaded question that could only be answered by saying… “what ever makes you happy” maybe she wanted me to be disappointed… or maybe she wanted me to be thrilled that I didn’t have to shuck out $500 plus… I just don’t know… but tonight wasn’t a good night ;-(
4 AUGUST 2002
*****an email to my father*****
Same old story here… work, work, work, and more work. I did persuade/demand some help from leadership and they gave me a body Thursday afternoon. I’ll have him do most of the daily duties and most of the computer problems which will leave me time for the more complicated projects. I’m still working on getting more help, but that may take longer. Hopefully, Amy will get her report date to her new base moved back a few months and that will help too. In the mean time, my biggest priority is to keep myself stress-free which is almost a full-time job ;-) I’m looking forward to my escape to Pensacola where I can visit with you and Marge and relax a little… I’m still shooting for the night of the 15th and then departing on the 18th.
Mom is doing well… I took her to the doctor last Wednesday to get her mole-like bumps under her breasts checked out and the good news was that it wasn’t cancer… the doctor sprayed liquid nitrogen on them and so they should fall off and disappear in a few weeks. They’re called Seborrheic Keratoses aka Barnacles of Aging. The other good news was it only cost her $11.52 for the visit…Medicare paid the rest. They are inherited so I guess I may have to deal with them in my aging years.
6 AUGUST 2002
YESTERDAY WAS PURE STRESS… TODAY WAS BETTER!
CHRISTINA STILL WON’T TALK TO ME…
MARIE DIDN’T GET PREGNANT…
AMY’S FATHER PASSED AWAY
11 AUGUST 2002
My life is starting to take a turn away from the every other day responsibilities and concerns of being a mother… first provocation of this turn was Christina’s reaction to my views of life and the things that should be thought through before getting married. I have spoken with her since and even though there is now words between us, there is also resentment on both sides that probably will never go away. And now as of yesterday, there is discontent between my son and I. There again, I spoke up and gave him my views on his lack of taking care of himself. His drinking has become the focal point of his life and his weight has risen significantly. He came over yesterday to pick up his laundry and he was acting all kinds of strange… Starvation? Drugs? Or a game playing technique for attention? I wasn’t sure so I made him a fat-free chicken sandwich… still acting strange and saying strange things so I asked if he was taking drugs and if he were then I was going to cut him off financially. Oh my what an explosion that caused! He stomped out and then came back and started yelling at me in a very disrespectful manner… I somehow by the grace of God remained calm yet very hurt and after his rant and raving he left again only to come back a second time to give me a hug which was his way of saying that he was sorry. We talked a little while longer and then he left… I was left with a sense of loss because I knew that things between us would never be the same. I have decided that I need to loosen my motherly grip on both of these kids and let them fend for themselves now. Of course I will keep supporting Jonathan financially through May 2003 and of course I will still be here in case of an emergency for both of them… but I think that will be all I do. I have done my part in trying to give them a sense of family and I think I’ve succeeded… tis time to move on now and let them grow up however they see fit. Good luck my dear children!
My thoughts on my future…
I still spend a lot of time dreaming about tomorrow and what kind of lifestyle I want to have when I retire and where I want to live and what kind of living arrangements will be best for my mother and my father… my thoughts keep returning to this scenario:
While I’m still here in Georgia, we’ll rent this house because the price is right and it has a wonderful screened-in back porch that we both enjoy and it is large enough that we both have our privacy… as soon as I’m done with my PSM duties next year, I’ll apply for a special duty assignment that will take us someplace close to Pensacola… whether it be here in Georgia, in Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, or even Texas… if I can’t get one of those places then I’ll try for the East Coast. Point being, I want to do a special duty assignment and get away from the supervisory commitment. I know there is a perfect job out there for me and I intend to find it. Yes, I’d rather be closer to my father, but will take what I can get. We’ll find a small 2-bedroom apartment in walking distance to a grocery store and coffee shop… both requirements are for my mother and yes, I wouldn’t mind it either ;-) We’ll start fresh with new living room and bedroom furniture and any other furniture we deem to be necessary. In other words, we’ll leave the junk behind ;-)
I have 6 more years left in the military… one here in Georgia… four for the special duty… and one to be determined. I could stay four more years after that, but that decision won’t be made until 2008. Once Jonathan is on his own financially, I plan to double and maybe triple the payments for the car and get that paid off a year early. It is a 4 year loan at the moment. This is my only sizable debt right now so I plan to be debt-free in three years… maybe two if I’m lucky. If I keep socking away the $$ into an IRA, money market account, and my 401K, I just may be able to call it quits at the end of 2008. If I need to work after that to make ends meet, then I can do temporary work and/or house-sit for a living. All I need is enough money for lot rent, utilities, and food. My retirement check will take care of that and my savings will take care of the rest including the unexpected.
Now, where to live once I retire… There are still too many “ifs” at this point in the dream and most have to do with my parents’ long term needs as I’m committed to being there for both of them. I’m the only one in the family that can deal with their idios. Here are some thoughts though… The perfect scenario would be if Marge decides to leave me her half of the house in Pensacola… I could move Mom in to the master bedroom and her and Dad could co-exist the rest of their lives. Dad would feel free to travel in Mirada since Mom would be there to take care of things… Of course we’d have to hire a lawn care service and a housekeeper to take care of the basic upkeep of the house or even a live-in caretaker that would do all of that. Then when I retire, I’d live there permanently and take care of both of them and just travel when the urge strikes. Yes, that would be the perfect scenario ;-)
Another scenario would be to find a studio apartment for my mother somewhere close to someone in the family and let her live the rest of her life the way she chooses until she needs to move into an assisted-living retirement community. I would live in the Mirada at a military RV park and as for Dad, I don’t have to worry or be as concerned with his future as he is more than capable of taking care of his needs at this point in his life plus he still has a brother and two sisters that care about him.
OR if either of those scenarios aren’t possible or feasible and it just comes down to me only having to be concerned with me, myself, and I then once I retire and tire of traveling and/or living in my home on wheels, I’ll check out the possibility of living in the Armed Forces Retirement Home in Gulfport MS or Washington DC.
Bottom line is that I already have my retirement home and my backyard is the North American continent! My lifestyle will be one of exploration, simplicity and solitude. Yes, dreaming of tomorrow keeps me focused on today ;-)
17 AUGUST 2002
My horoscope for today said “You need to reclaim your innocence. You need to take all that stuff in your personal world, everything you are tired of and everything that steals energy from your spirit, and begin to look at it in a new light. You need to find beauty in places and people you never saw it in before. You need to find joy in the odd corners of your life. And most of all, you need to begin a new regimen of self-acceptance. If you can do all this, then the world you live in will begin to blossom like a rose.
Later… in Pensacola
We rode the bikes to kmart for breakfast and then we drove to the Navy base to get Dad’s supply of alcohol... yes, I even thought to buy you a box of wine. A bargain at $7.99 :-) Afterwards, we walked the perimeter of Walmart for exercise and the had their $1.78 BLT special for lunch. The rest of the afternoon was spent taking a nap and talking about our plans. We’re going to take Mirada out for an outing tomorrow... an overnight trip to Lake Stone which is about 15 ot 20 miles North of here. Should be fun! Well, it tis almost time for our dinner... salad and leftover chili. Yum yum... I love Marge’s chili! And no, she’s not here, she is still in Niceville helping JoAnne recover from her operation.
18 AUGUST 2002
Here I sit in my fold up chair outside of Mirada at Lake Stone campground enjoying the view of the lake. We arrived about 8:00 this morning and I videotaped the whole process of checking in, locating the perfect spot, backing in, and hooking up to the electric and water. I even taped the inside process of turning on the AC and the refridgerator. Once we were settled we went exploring... found the restroom and showers which were air conditioned—nice touch! Asked about hiking trails and were told there was only some dirt roads that led to the dam so we decided to walk part of the way just for exercise. They were located over by the boat launch one street over. From where I’m sitting, I can look across the water and see where we were. It was a nice walk. Saw some people fishing, some ducks, and some odd looking flowers. Daddy picked one and stuck it in his hat :-)
When we got back we decided to figure out how to put the awning up. Dad found the instructions and between the two of us we got it up. Afterwards I got my fold up chair out and showed Dad how easy it was to set up. He really liked the foot rest and when he sat in it and adjusted it to his liking, I thought he’d never get up :-) I guess I’ll have to get one of his very own... probably two of them so we can always have them available.
Tis almost time for lunch so I think I’ll go in and grab one of the cold beers to drink before hand... ahhhhh this is the life!
Lunch was great… but then when someone makes it for you, how bad can it be! We had a salami, tomato and pickle sandwich with a handful of potato chips. I thoroughly enjoy this part of visiting my Dad… he basically pampers me just like when I was a little girl. Tis a nice change to sit back and be taken care of instead of having to take care of myself and my Mom. After lunch, we just relaxed and did what we wanted… Dad took a nap and I continued to relax in my chair outside… the view was so serene and beautiful that I spent most of the time just gazing and dreaming of tomorrow. At 3 o’clock, he fixed bloody mary’s and then dinner was leftover chili that Marge made the week before and a tossed salad that Dad made. I just love her chili and his salads are just so precise that it is almost humorous :-) We watched the evening news together and was going to watch a video but couldn’t figure out how to get the VCR to play. I think there’s a blown fuse because the map lights that are in the same vicinity wouldn’t work either. We went to bed early because we were going to rise early and get on the road so that we could get back in time to go kayaking on Blackwater River. We always put in at Carpenter’s Park… very convenient. We kayaked for an hour going down the river to the downtown area of Milton and then back again. Very enjoyable and very good exercise ;-) After kayaking, we went to Barnhill’s buffet and pigged out! Heaping plate of salad and then a smaller plate of ham, mashed potatoes and corn :-)
I left the next morning via Highway 98 so that I could visit all the military installations that had campgrounds for RV’s. Very enjoyable adventure to say the least and I picked out a very nice campground east of Panama City at Tyndall AFB. We plan to spend a week there in October.
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