****An email to everyone****

Hi everyone! Just a short note to say that I'm finally home on American soil and very very glad to be home. I'll be home for 2 weeks on R&R before heading back to work on the 10th which will give me plenty of time to sort through all my mail and get used to being back in the real world. Thank you so much for keeping in touch with me while I was deployed… You just don't know how much that meant to me. I'll write again soon.

27 JUNE 2002

****An email to my friend John*****

I went out yesterday with Christina to just get an idea of what I wanted and I realized that I just wasn't satisfied with just anything… I went out again today with Jeff and I realized I wanted something in particular so now I'm wondering whether I should just buy a new car versus a used one… So I'm seeking advice on what you think the pros and cons are of buying used versus new. I know $$ is one of them, but I'm thinking that if the car payment is my "only" debt then maybe it's not a bad idea. Any words of wisdom you can share with me? I'm looking at buying a Honda Civic Coupe EX… black… automatic… cruise… moonroof… security system… spoiler… etc etc. Ballpark estimate is around 20K using the MSRP. Or there was a nice 1998 Silver Honda Civic LX 4 door sedan with 68K miles on it and everything but the moonroof for $9850 that I test drove today that I liked but wasn't totally in love with. I didn't realize this was going to be sooooo hard! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

29 JUNE 2002

Guess what? I bought a car for my son and I'm still driving my Lincoln…. NOT!!!! I bought "me" a 1999 4-door Honda Accord EX yesterday. Very very nice car and got a great deal on it too. Has all the options that I wanted including a sunroof, rear spoiler, CD player, automatic, cruise control, and security system with keyless entry. It's silver with a tan interior… real pretty. I was so excited about it, I took my family out for dinner in it last night so they could see it… My son is jealous as hell, but I don't care… was my turn to reap the benefits of a "job" ha! Yeah, he had the nerve to ask me about him getting a new car instead of me... He's too funny! And yes, I took out a car loan and will use the money I saved to pay off my credit card... which means I only have ONE debt… my car loan… WHOOOHOOOOO!!

4 JULY 2002

Lord have mercy on me! I try sooooo hard yet I don't do very well with dealing with the everyday stress of living with my mother. I know some of my family and friends read my journal, but as they know, I write in it mostly to free myself of my jumbles of thought so that I don't worry them with my troubles in a more confrontational manner. Today I've been jumbling quite a bit. Mostly with trying to stay stress-free; however, it hasn't worked very well. She wanted a BBQ for the 4th and I wanted to please her but in doing so I just defeated my purpose of staying stress-free. If it weren't for my son and my daughter understanding and helping me, I don't know what I would do. I feel so bad that they have to put up with the bullshit and I know they are doing it just for me, but it isn't fair especially for people like Matt who is an innocent bystander but takes the brunt of the abuse. Matt has to be the most patient man I've ever met and my gratitude to him is immense. I swear I'm going crazy at times and my tolerance is nearly nil when it comes to dealing with her. She is sooooooooo needy and dependent that it is not even close to being funny nor is it close to being tolerable. Some days are worse than others as she loves to play these STUPID games with my head and I can't play back most of the time. I've asked her to not play the games and just be honest with me, but it is obvious that she can't. I've caught her in sooooo many lies just since I've returned. From lying about the dryer lint that is thrown behind the dryer to who barbecued on my little Webber while I was gone and left it dirty! Yeah, my cat did it, right? Yeah… That's it! I just can't understand and sometimes I just don't want to, but then I remember why I'm doing this…. Hmmmmmmmmm I don't really know. At first it was because I still lacked that feeling of love that I so crave, but as I realize that that isn't possible, I stick with the thought that she is helping me financially. I'll do my best to do the right thing and let her live her last years in a somewhat happy environment, but most of all in a "safe" one. Everyday that goes by, I learn a little more patience and the days I don't have any, I try to disappear into my own world so that I don't harm those that I love by my vicious words.

5 JULY 2002

We bbq'd and drank beer for the 4th… kids were over too. twas okay, but I don't think I'll host another one… for some stupid reason I tend to stress over the preparations too much then drink too much beer to relax… the beer was good! ;-)

Guess what? I'm making plans for my first solo tourist adventure… yep, I'm going to go to Savannah Labor Day weekend and see if I can have fun being a tourist by myself. I'm excited about it. This is a first for me and will determine how much of a traveler I'll be when I retire ;-) plus I just need to be alone after 3 months in the desert and 2 months with my mother.

8 JULY 2002

****An email I wrote to my brother Mike****

What a great email…full of details ;-) and the tips for my Savannah trip were right on target… meaning, I have already started compiling my places to go and where to eat, etc. Too cool about your mentioning the book… in fact, I had already made a mental note to get it because it was described in one of the travel books I have-The South by Fodor's. With your input, I made a beeline to the local bookstore to purchase it ;-) I'll read some of it before I go and leave some to read while I'm hanging out ;-) I'm also going to explore Tybee Island while I'm there. I'm real excited about this trip and I'm hoping it will cement my dream of being able to enjoy traveling alone. Who knows…maybe I'll even become so comfortable that I'm able to reach out and meet and talk to interesting people along the way ;-) That's one of my goals you know. Another goal is to learn how to live peacefully with our mother…but that's another story ;-) but it ties into your question about whether I'm still wallowing in the pleasure of being back. Yes, I'm still wallowing and don't want to go back to work on Wednesday; however, spending this much time with Mom has been an adjustment. There were a few days that she just totally stressed me out and I had to tell her to STOP! The newness has now worn off though and she doesn't follow me around like a puppy dog anymore or get jealous when I go do something with one of my children or by myself. We have graduated to speaking a few times a day, but otherwise leaving each other alone… I like that… and I'm trying to enjoy these last days by only doing things that totally relax me. Saturday I went to Jekyll Island with Christina, Matt and one of Matt's friends… had a great time… walked on the beach…found a few more shells for my collection and even came across two sand dollars, but had to put them back in the water because they were still alive… my good deed for the day ;-) and yesterday, I went to the local zoo/amusement park and enjoyed a few hours of animal watching by myself… what a treat!

13 JULY 2002

My 2 weeks of R&R went by way too quickly… now I'm back in the thick of things with Jeff retiring at the end of the month and Amy TDY to Keesler for another week… looks like it will just be Amy and I running the show until we are contracted out at the end of the year which really sucks, but I'll probably be screaming before too long. What's even worse is we have a brand new squadron commander who already has me scrambling to make a game plan up to get MilPDS (our personnel database system) cleaned up. He's the type that wants everything done yesterday. I flat out told him that I needed some time to get myself reinserted into the PSM world and that he would just have to wait… he said "so you'll have something put together by Monday?" and I said "Or what?" I couldn't believe I said that, but I meant it… I refuse to let him or anyone else stress me out over any of this crap… I'll get to it when I get to it and that's that! I still have over 500 emails that I haven't read yet and they are all about the system so I'll sure as hell read those before I start jumping through hoops to try to fix anything. Okay, I realize I'm venting now so I'll shut up on the matter ;-)

18 JULY 2002

Well, yesterday I was on quarters for half the day so I think I got caught up on my rest… I went to the dentist to get a filling as it had fallen out while TDY and I left there with a new filling PLUS they pulled a tooth! That was totally unexpected and it wasn't a very pleasant experience. In fact, I was so stressed by the time they dug out all the infection that when they were done, I started crying and couldn't stop for awhile. I'm feeling better today though… at least the stress is gone from my body. I'm really feeling aged though now that I'm losing teeth ;-(

20 JULY 2002

I started work on the 10th and it has been pure hell as everyone decided to abandon me so had to concentrate on not stressing but somehow get all the work done… I survived of course but it wasn't very fun… everyone will be back on Monday so hopefully life will become a little easier. For awhile anyway… I just found out that besides the 3 people retiring soon, my last system person just got an assignment to Texas and will be leaving in september… grrrrrrr… now I have to fight for help because headquarters isn't going to send another system person since we (my career field) is being contracted out next year. Should be a definite challenge, but also a learning experience in developing my assertiveness. Let the games begin! ;-)

21 JULY 2002

By the way, I think mom and I have finally found peace with each other… this past week since our very deep conversation has been wonderful and the future with her now seems brighter ;-)

The "deep" conversation started after I got home from work on a Friday and commenced to drinking beer… a celebration of sorts from surviving the first 3 days of work… Mom joined me on the back porch… it was raining… perfect setting… my mood was light and so was hers and we just started talking about anything and everything… this lasted a couple hours… during the conversation I got into our living arrangement and how I really thought it would work if she would just quit playing her "games". She admitted she hated that word and so we agreed on calling it her "obtuse" mood swings versus her "game" playing, i.e. her jealousy and her need for attention… when she doesn't get the attention she wants, she reverts to her "obtuse" ways knowing that they piss me off. We also talked about the realization that we would never have a typical "mother/daughter" relationship and that we should just concentrate on being friends/companions/housemates… this was acceptable to both of us and since that night we have behaved as such toward each other and it is making all the difference in the world.

I think traveling alone will help develop my self-confidence and assertiveness as well… besides… no one will interfere with what "I" want to do or what I want to see or how long I do either. Traveling with someone else is indeed a challenge and full of compromise so I can understand people's complaints and frustrations however the positive side is you have someone to share your experiences with both verbally and emotionally and that is not always a bad thing ;-)

This "alone" syndrome we all experience from time to time is inherited as well and I think we all fantasize about it, but realize that we still like someone else around… dad and marge… me and mom… mike and carla… doesn't matter if we're with a significant other or not… just someone to fill the void when we are not off doing our own thing.

22 JULY 2002

I can't sleep… I think I'm stressed ;-( everyone came back to work today and it felt so chaotic. Felt like I had more control and got more done when no one was there… can't win for losing! Oh well… must do another mind adjustment so that I can lose this stress. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from it all… and I could if I don't reenlist next February… wouldn't that just be too funny ;-) if it weren't for the medical coverage I probably would. Well, I guess, I'll try to sleep again…

27 JULY 2002

Just had to share with you that I went down memory lane today by going through all my photo albums and boxes of pictures… lots and lots and lots of memories! Seeing the kids when they were young… me when I was young… my trips… my adventures… my loves… Wow! Is the best word to describe today ;-)

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my nephew Terran!

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