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It’s November already…wow! Yes, time is flying by and that’s why I think it is so important to live each day to its fullest. This past weekend I did just that… I traveled to Columbus GA to watch my son fight and decided to stay the whole weekend. Twas like a mini-vacation. Besides being able to spend time with my son and his girlfriend, Emily, the best part was going down to the river walk. Even got to see it at night when Emily and I walked down to it before the fight. It was beautiful with the lights glistening off the water and the twilight of the sky above. She enjoyed it so much that she convinced Jonathan to go view it the next day. Oh yeah, he WON! Yes, 4 minutes into the 1st round the other guy tapped out when Jon put him in a kimura submission hold. I lost my voice again from screaming my support, but I know he really truly appreciates my presence so it is worth the inconvenience of not being able to talk very well.
Yesterday on my way home, I stopped in Albany and found the Flint River. That was beautiful too and really enjoyed just sitting there staring at it and listening to the sound of the water rushing over the rocks. Very peaceful and relaxing…a place I’d like to go back to with a blanket and a picnic basket.
2 NOV 05
Today is my appointment with the surgeon and I’m nervous. I’m not sure why but if I had to take a stab at it, I would imagine it was because this is an important step in the process to find out whether IT is really back. The doctor is supposed to determine which lymph node to biopsy and the surgery will be set up today. I guess I’m also bothered that I didn’t get one of those reminder phone calls yesterday and I fear that I’ll get there and they’ll say that I’m not actually scheduled. If that were to be the case, I think I’d freak. Actually I wouldn’t because I’m a survivor and my belief in the Lord is strong and He helps me every single second of every day. Yes, every day that I have to wait is close to excruciating, but all I have to do is pray and a calm cascades over my body and soul... I know too that I have family and friends praying too and that is very calming too. I can get through this!
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My fear was warrented because I got to the doctor’s office and they didn’t have me down for an appointment; however, I prayed real hard and they worked me in. So here I sit in the exam room waiting to see Dr. Parker. I wonder what will be said… I wonder which lymph node he’ll choose… I wonder when the surgery will be… I wonder how much time I’ll be out from work. I wonder a lot of things don’t I? But what does one do while waiting patiently in the exam room. Luckily I brought paper and pen so that I could purge my mind… That always helps when I have too many thoughts racing through my brain. It also passes the time. I think I just heard him come out from the room across the hall, but I guess he had someone else waiting before me because he’s still not here. Oh well, just allows me more time to write J While in the waiting room I saw Marilyn Mobley come in with her granddaughter so it was nice to see a friendly face and that helped to relax me a little. I also saw a retried MSgt--Cheryl Brown whom I worked with over the phone a lot back a few years ago. Now if only I’d see the Dr. come through the door as I’ve run out of thoughts to share… I guess I could write about my upcoming adventures--possible ones anyway. It/They all depend on when the surgery is… The Virginia trip to visit Janice could turn into a road trip to include the north Georgia mountains as the airplane ticket doubled in price. And instead of driving straight through I could plan a stop near Tallulah Falls which is some place I’ve wanted to go ever since my Blairsville adventure a few years back.
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Well he finally came and he first said that the lymph node I was feeling was a gland of some sort and then he read the CT scan results again and changed his mind. And now due to the location of it he wants an ear, nose, and throat doctor to do the biopsy because he would feel more comfortable since he doesn’t usually do surgeries to that part of the neck. So he is referring me to Dr. Allen which is going to take more time and another Tricare referral BUT at least it is still progressing and I’m not being blown off so I must hold on to that--I MUST hold on to that.
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The appointment with Dr. Allen is scheduled for next Monday, Nov 7th at 0945.
3 NOV 05
Yesterday I went through a sea of emotions and I feel worn out so will not write much today. I do want to say though that I truly do have the Lord at my side and a huge amount of support from my family and friends. Still there are those moments when I am alone that I can’t contain myself and the tears overflow and even experience gut-wrenching sobs. That happened last night.
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Now I’m really frustrated… I just looked at the appointment slip and it says For: Lymphadenitis. So I looked that up on the internet and look what the definition is:
Definition
Lymphadenitis is the inflammation of a lymph node. It is often a complication of a bacterial infection of a wound, although it can also be caused by viruses or other disease agents. Lymphadenitis may be either generalized, involving a number of lymph nodes; or limited to a few nodes in the area of a localized infection. Lymphadenitis is sometimes accompanied by lymphangitis, which is the inflammation of the lymphatic vessels that connect the lymph nodes
That’s a bunch of CRAP! I feel so fortunate now that I’m being referred to a different surgeon. Not only did he goof up about the gland vs. lymph node issue, but then he uses this word. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! It’s like no one, once again, wants to deal with the possibility that this is CANCER.
Yes, I still pray that it is not, but I MUST be realistic or I face the possibility of devastating news like I did back in 1994. This feels like déjà vu.
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I know I said I wasn’t going to write much today, BUT I have to write about my going beyond my comfort zone tonight. I went to the Thursday night Grassy Pond potluck by myself! WoooHooo! Yes, I’m proud of myself J I even helped a TSgt that lives out here that is about to retire. Tomorrow in fact, and I had to call my friend Monica who is in charge of the Retirement section because we are supposed to be closed tomorrow but this guy had an appt at 1000. Well, we are supposed to be in CC call at that time so he would have shown up and no one would have been there. Long story short, I was able to get his appt changed to 1130 and he’ll be able to leave pretty much on schedule after all. Things do happen for a reason and I believe that more and more every day that goes by. Thank you Lord!
4 NOV 05
TGIF! This week has flown by :-) Probably because I had Monday off which means next week ought to go fast too because we have Friday off. Only 1056 days to go! Yes, I’m in a great mood today and I think that’s due to my major break thru last night of going to the potluck. I’ll go next week too just to keep the comfort level up of walking into a crowd of people. Well, not much time to write this morning because I have PT so will sign off and hit the road.
~
Jim called me today and we had a most interesting conversation. A lot was said about “us” and how the future is unknown and you just never know what might happen which is something we both have said all along. And we both talked about how we still think about each other…a lot…and how we both replay in our minds how much FUN we had when we were together. He asked me about a boyfriend in my life and I realized he was fishing for information so I told him the truth…that what I told him months ago is still how I think…meaning, I’m totally happy by myself and that I’m not looking for someone. I asked him about a girlfriend and he decided that we were good enough friends to tell me and hoped it didn’t bother me, but that he was seeing someone. That he was introduced to someone who has twin boys in the same grade and school as his son. He also said that it wasn’t that serious and was realizing more and more that him and I think more alike then anyone else he’s been with and that we both enjoyed doing the same type things…basically that I was more adventurous just like him. In other words, he’s been comparing me to others which is perfectly okay because I know that I am a great person and that I can be a lot of FUN to be around. If it weren’t for the long distance thing, we’d probably still be together. You see…I know that he hasn’t been with that many women since his divorce whereas I’ve been with enough men to already know that he is the one for me… that if it weren’t for the Air Force, I’d be in his arms right now. Yes, that’s how I feel. I still love him like I’ve loved no other… I just couldn’t/can’t deal with the long distance thing. Way too stressful to me. Plus I know and I understand, because he told me from the moment we met, that he doesn’t like to be alone. So him seeing other women since his departure in February doesn’t surprise me. Hurts yes, but like I said, I understand because I know him… Yes, I really feel like I know him because I try to figure people out and he was/is no exception. I also totally understand when he says that most people just don’t understand how we think…and after trying to relay our conversation to Bill, I realized that Jim is right…most people don’t understand how we think so besides writing this right now, I don’t think I’ll try to explain today’s conversation to anyone else…maybe Janice… or maybe I’ll just email her instead of trying to verbalize it. And maybe I’ll tell Jonathan too as I know he really likes Jim, but no one else. I’ll just keep this feel good feeling within myself and enjoy each and every day of this precious life that I’m living.
5 NOV 05
Tis Saturday and I have nothing planned whatsoever… I will do as I please when I please :-)
7 NOV 05
Today is the appointment with the ENT doctor…the 4th doctor to see me about the lymph on my neck. It’s been at least 3 months since I first felt some and even though they don’t seem like they are multiplying, they’re not going away either. Woke up last night and was definitely wet from night sweats…still not drenching, but then again, that didn’t happen last time until nearly 2 years of growth. Yes, I’m a little nervous plus I have to go to the clinic this morning to haggle about the referral that didn’t make it to Tricare yet. But at least that will keep me busy and not dwelling on the appointment.
I wonder what this horoscope for today means…
Capricorn
The universe has arranged for some big-time changes to come your way. Thankfully, right about now you'll actually be able to appreciate what's going on -- or at least the outcome. The steps along the way might not be great fun, especially if you have to say goodbye rather abruptly to someone or something, but the ends will definitely justify the means. Fortunately, you've never been afraid of change. Still, gird your loins and prepare for battle.
Oh yeah, I told Jonathan about Jim and he didn’t think I was crazy and actually understood the emotional impact that it had on me. Hey, I just need whatever diversions I can get at this point and the far off hope that Jim and I could cross paths again brings a smile to my face and joy into my heart :-)
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Here’s the email that I sent out about my appointment today:
Here's the latest... Saw the new doctor this morning and he is definitely going to do the biopsy... not because he thinks it has come back BUT totally due to my anxiety level and knows that I'll accept nothing less than a pathology report to rule it out. He is also the first doctor that actually gave me a glimmer of hope that this is really nothing. Maybe because he's the 4th doctor to tell me that? Maybe or maybe I just need to be hopeful :-) Anyway, he wanted me to go get the actual CT scans and bring them back to him so that he could choose the best lymph node. So I picked those up and I have another appt with him this Wednesday at 0900. I should know then when the surgery will be scheduled. Christina, my daughter, is going to take off work the day of the surgery and I'm thinking it will be next week.... he only does surgery on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that narrows it down a little, but I'll keep you posted.
And here’s a reply that I received from my brother Steve:
Hi Carol, Thanks for keeping us all posted. Martine and I are glad to hear that you have found a doctor to do the biopsy. We will be focusing all of our positive energy in your direction! You are truly amazing how calmly you are handling this. I think I would have strangled at least two of your doctors at this point! I guess one really must be persistent these days to get them to do the right thing. I don’t know if it is lawsuits or incompetence. Nevertheless, all of our thoughts are with you as you step through this. With much love and warmth, Steve
The love and support that I have received from all my family and friends has been truly uplifting :-)
8 NOV 05
Tuesday means no PT, no appointments, and no BDUs… yippee!
I mailed the box and letter to Jim yesterday. He should get it by Thursday. I wonder if he’ll call… I wonder if he’ll like it. I know he’ll like it :-)
9 NOV 05
Today I have another doctor’s appointment with Dr Allen. He’ll be choosing the “juiciest” lymph node to biopsy after looking at my CT scan. I will also press for a surgery date so that I can plan my life around it. I have questions written down as well so will take the time to get them answered. Let’s see, other than that I’m doing a okay and am feeling calm, cool, and collected.
The following was written while waiting:
I am sitting in the exam room waiting on Dr. Allen so thought I’d write some to pass the time. Believe it or not I’m not anxious nor nervous because I know the biopsy is going to be done, it’s just a matter of when. I should find that out today. Today’s visit should be short and sweet as is is just going to look at my CT scans and of course I’ll ask my questions. I can hear him in the next room and he is a very knowledgeable and personable doctor who takes the time to explain things--I like that! And the fact that he does that with everyone is a very good indicator that he is also a capable and confident doctor and I like that even better especially since he’ll have a knife at my neck :-)
10 NOV 05
The surgery is scheduled for 1 Dec and I should have the results a week after that. Oh yeah, and he made me a little MORE hopeful after he looked at the actual CT scans and explained what they showed and how small the enlarged lymph nodes really are.... No one has ever done that before! Of course, my father is from Missouri so the doctor will have to "show me" the pathology report too and then I can rest easy and get on with my life :-)
11 NOV 05
Tis Veteran’s Day and the start of a 3 day weekend. Last night I joined my buddy Bill at the Grassy Pond Thursday night potluck. I was late getting there so he made me a plate that I ate later… had to drink my beer first of course J Sat outside and talked with a couple other campers and enjoyed myself immensely. Went back to my rig (that’s what we campers call our homes) close to 8 pm and settled in for the night. Ate my dinner which ended up being a hamburger, some kind of rice casserole, and some kind of sweet potato dish. Not bad… and filling for sure. Called it an early night and now I’m here enjoying my morning.
It’s a very nice crisp morning…blue sky…leaves falling. I made sure I was up out of bed in order to enjoy the sunrise and I wasn’t disappointed. A smile broke across my face when I heard the first bird sing its song. Yes, I love my mornings! I have nothing planned today except I need to head to Wendy’s later to get my favorite salad to go with dinner. Dinner will be one of my healthy choice frozen entrée’s, accompanied by my Wendy’s salad and a can of peas. Sounds healthy huh? Well, I’ve determined that when I fix a real dinner, I eat way too much so if I buy the frozen healthy dinners then my portions are limited and I fill up instead on the salad and the veggies. But breakfast today will be sinful… real eggs, real bacon, and tator tots J I’m heating up the toaster oven now and 30 minutes later I’ll fry the bacon and a couple eggs… yum yum!
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Jim just called me to wish me a happy Veteran’s Day and to say that he really liked the Packers ornament I sent him. He really liked my letter too and said only I could write like that :-) In fact, I think I’ll share it here in my journal. So my heart is full of joy and of course love for this wonderful man… if only he was here with me right now I‘d give him a great big hug, but he’s not and I’ve accepted that and instead I will hug the memories we had and always will.
My letter to Jim….
Hi Cutie!
It’s Saturday morning, the 5th of November and I’m finally getting around to writing you so that I can send this box to you… I hope you like it :-) When I saw it in a magazine it instantly reminded me of you and I just had to order it. I always felt bad that I never got around to putting up a Christmas tree last year but maybe this little trinket will make up for it…maybe? I didn’t think so, but hey it’s the thought that counts :-) Go Packers! Anyway, I am hoping that you think of our special trip down to Key West during the holidays when you see it hanging from your own Christmas tree :-) That was such a great adventure… we had a lot of great adventures didn’t we? Key West was probably the best one, bar hopping in Savannah was pretty cool although the long ride home wasn’t much fun :-), partying in Chattanooga with Jonathan and Emily, Flagler Beach and the Harley ride, Pensacola with you driving the RV, and the kayak trip. The kayak trip was awesome…I loved floating down the river with all our kayaks connected…drinking and laughing and acting the fools :-) I know I know, you lost your favorite radio and that still pisses you off! :-) Yeah, I could go on and on… Hooters eating a million wings, Betty’s and the karaoke night, sitting by the fire, pizza burgers, and we mustn‘t forget about the “picnic“ on the hiking trail! :-)
Yes, I miss you a lot… I miss us a lot, but life has many forks in the road, different paths to go down, but right now you could almost say that we are traveling on parallel paths because of our continued friendship… I‘m thankful for that and I know you are too. I guess it’s almost like your continued friendship with Candy. That bothered me at times, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. I do understand that you need someone in your life, that you don‘t like to be alone… You told me that the very first night when you came over knocking on my door… and I’m glad you felt strong enough about our friendship that you could tell me about her back then and that you could tell me about your new girlfriend now. That means a lot to me... I can deal with the truth, I’ve always told you that. It’s the not knowing that drives me a little crazy and I guess that’s what became too stressful for me when we had to part. I could feel you slowly slipping away and I didn’t know how to stop it and then I realized that I just had to let you go for both our sakes. But do know that my feelings haven’t changed for you and if and when you realize that you just can’t live without me :-) that I‘ll still be here with love in my heart for you…because you are just too cute to resist! :-) Yeah, it‘s like that old saying… “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.” Yes, we will probably keep wondering if our paths will ever cross again… our short time together was pretty powerful and a whole lot of FUN and I truly believe that if it weren’t for the Air Force, we’d still be together. So who knows, maybe our paths will cross again…somewhere down the road…or on “some beach, somewhere” or maybe for nothing else but two friends wanting to have another adventure together. As we both like to say…you just never know what will happen :-)
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Pretty cool letter, huh? Took me a couple hours to compose that because I wanted to keep it upbeat and positive, but get the true meaning across which was that I still had feelings for him no matter the current situation. Yes, I guess I am pretty good at writing when I want to :-)
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Decided to take a walk down to the water this afternoon just to get some air and see the beauty of Grassy Pond and on my way back I saw Norma sitting outside so stopped to say hello and ended up spending the next two hours over there. A lot of the regulars came over and it ended up being a nice chat session. Yes, I’m getting better and better at socializing :-) Took some pictures too that I plan to print out for Jim and send to him as a Christmas present. What I’d really like to do is create a small Grassy Pond scrapbook for him. Who knows, maybe I will. He gives me such strength and doesn’t even know it as I plan to quit smoking and drinking so much as soon as I get the results and a lot of my motivation will be because of him :-)
12 NOV 05
Here’s an email I just wrote to my mother….
Good morning! you wrote: "at least youre having some fun&enjoyment....compared to westpointe dullness...we rarely have a salad....anything new with the family?" Well, I make my own fun and enjoyment :-) I can take an otherwise dull day and make it anything I want it to be....I guess that's why I can be happy all on my own. I take pride in that. Try it, you just might be surprised :-) Like your porchtime...doesn't have to be dull...just take a moment and appreciate something about it... a bird singing, leaves falling, a blue sky... the sun shining...or maybe one cloud passing that looks like it is in the shape of something. Do two loops around the driveway instead of one? Make it down to the gazebo and toast the day with some apple juice? Join the group for morning exercise or have an exercise session all on your own and be proud of yourself? Get your haircut or give yourself a manicure? In other words, just do at least one thing a day just for you! :-) The only reason I went to the potluck was that I'm really working on my social skills and trying to get over my shyness around this campground full of retired couples. In fact, yesterday afternoon I did something else that I'm not accustomed to and that was I took a walk around the campground and stopped and talked to Norma the camp hostess and the next thing I knew there were 6 other campers gathered around and we sat there and chit chatted for almost two hours! And when I got home, I was all smiles because I was so proud of myself for a successful social skill workout :-) :-) Okay, enough of my good mood, right? :-) I never did go get my salad...instead I had some carrots and some grape tomatoes that I had leftover from the veggie tray I made for last week's potluck. Today I'm heading out of town to Moultrie (about 30 minutes away) to their annual crafts fair. I really don't care for crafts, but just want to do something different :-) and no, nothing new from the family that I know of except that Jonathan and Emily are heading to Illinois to her parents house and Fran and his Dad are going to meet them in St Louis for lunch...unless of course he disappoints Jonathan again and doesn't go with Fran. Well, tis time to take my morning shower and get on with my day... love ya!
Yes, I’m always TRYING to help my mother… don’t know as she never listens, but who knows, maybe one thing I say will turn her around someday… or not. Tis not my fault if she is not happy with herself and I MUST remember that!
13 NOV 05
The adventure to Moultrie ended up being pretty fun and a very good work out. I think we walked constantly for 3 ½ hours before we left to go downtown to find a restaurant. I only bought one thing at the arts and crafts fair and that one thing is priceless to me. It’s a picture called “Creekside Cabin” and it almost perfectly depicts my dream. In fact, on the mailbox I had them put “Carol’s Dream”. If you want to see it, you can go to this website: http://www.arthearts.com/ and I believe the first picture that comes up is it. I bought a frame on the way home and will hang it in my office to remind me what I’m working towards and what I’ll looking for on my 50 States in 50 Months adventure which will happen in another 1047 days.
This picture is almost like Thomas Kinkade’s “Peaceful Retreat” painting that I like, but this one has wildflowers whereas the Kinkade's doesn’t.
The restaurant we ended up going to was “Three Crazy Bakers” an eatery right on main street. I had a bowl of potato soup and a side salad and Monica had one of their wraps. The soup wasn’t that great, but I ate it all anyway J which means it wasn’t bad either. Enjoyed the experience though and we talked about making it a monthly tradition that we go out together to some new restaurant. We’ll probably just put some restaurant names into a hat, choose a date and then pick from the hat. I think that would be fun so I hope it happens… shoot, I’ll make it happen! :-)
I don’t have any plans today…one of those do nothing days that I enjoy so much…
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