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Yesterday was absolutely wonderful. What was even better was my mother enjoyed herself too. We went to Maclay State Park in Florida for a leisurely hike in the Gardens. I'd say we strolled for about a half mile and then found this beautiful spot to sit a spell. The spell lasted over an hour as it was a gorgeous view of a lake with a gentle cool breeze blowing on us. We drank two beers, chatted about this and that, and watched a blue heron patiently waiting for a bite to eat. The heron's patience as well as our own were rewarded with a quick snatch of a fish. It was really cool to watch him make his way to land and gobble up his prize. True nature at its best. We are both certainly looking forward to our next adventure.
Guess what? I heard from a dear old friend of mine today that I haven't heard from in a very long time. You should have seen the huge smile that spread across my face. It was GREAT to hear from him and what was pretty cool was that I found out he actually reads my journal ;-) Oh my, I just wrote the other day about all those "female" things. Oh well... tis me... tis life...
9 OCTOBER 2000
Today is the last day of a most welcome 3-day weekend so am playing catch up with my life which includes all my emails. I've been so very busy this year that I just can't believe that it is October already. Now that I have an extra stripe, I also have extra responsibilities like I'm the "acting" First Sergeant for a month. So on top of that huge responsibility I still have to find time for my real job. One week down, three to go... but who's counting ;-)
Jonathan, his girlfriend Amanda, and Christina don't keep me very busy, but they are plenty busy themselves with college and fraternities/sororities and a job (in Christina's case); however, I do find time to cook them dinner on Tuesday nights. That's about the only time I get to see them all at the same time. We even say a prayer before eating. Can you imagine? I think they enjoy the "family" atmosphere as much as I do since the other 6 days of the week are spent doing our own thing.
My mom and dad are doing fine... in fact, my dad is going to visit my mom for two days before coming here to spend time with me. I wonder what they will be doing? Ha! Can't believe they still get together after all these years. Kind of sweet don't you think? ;-) Speaking of my dad, he just found out that one of the thingybobbers he got burned/cut off recently was cancerous. The doc said he got it all so time will tell. He goes back in three months to get checked out again. So I guess that's two of us in our family now that has had one form or another of cancer.
12 OCTOBER 2000
I've had a very adventurous last couple days… had to drive up to South Carolina to take a young airman home because red cross notified him that his brother had passed away due to a car accident. Our commander couldn't see him taking out a loan for the plane ticket (tried to get a grant) so he suggested that we just drive him up. So within an hour, a guy named Josh and I were on our way with the young airman. It was Josh's car so I didn't actually drive… I was the passenger/navigator. Half way up there (it's a 6 hour drive one way) we were "ordered" to spend the night at Shaw AFB and not attempt to drive back because it was not a "safe" thing to do. That came from the Support Group Commander… my commander's boss. Needless to say, we weren't prepared for an overnight trip, but we survived by buying a toothbrush, toothpaste and some deodorant at the shoppette. It was so good to get home last night and sleep in my own bed with my fan. Billeting didn't have a fan and it was too late to go buy one so of course I didn't sleep very well at all. I think I managed to get 4 hours though. That's pitiful I can't sleep without a fan making noise ;-)
13 OCTOBER 2000
Why do I punish myself so much when I screw up or make a mistake? I made a mistake today on something that I had to research for my commander and when I had to face him and admit that I had screwed up, I felt so bad and still do. He wasn't upset and even joked that if that was all I screwed up then he'd have it made… yet I'm still kicking myself in the butt. Live and learn I know, but it really sucks.
I wrote that in an email to my oldest brother and this was his reply...
"you feel bad when you screw up because mom and dad taught us that we can be loved only when we are perfect and make no mistakes. they never said "that's okay, honey, its okay, i will fix it, don't worry, everything will be just fine, i love you" or anything like that. so we equate screwing up with being rejected and unloved.....and we just have to live with our programming and try not to pass too much of it on!"
Wow, what he wrote is so very true. Just re-reading it right now leaves me with this sad empty feeling knowing that my whole life has been spent worrying about being rejected and wanting to be loved. It has effected both my professional life as well as my personal life. I wonder now whether I've passed any of that on to my son. He is so gung ho on keeping a 4.0 gpa just like I have been known to do. Yes, I wonder...
15 OCTOBER 2000
Today is Sunday and I had to work all day, but then so did everyone else. We are getting ready for our BIG inspection next month so leadership is getting a little wacky. I did have some fun yesterday though. My dad and I traveled to a state park in Georgia, Reed Bingham State Park, and did some hiking. It ended up being kind of amusing as we were searching for the main trail and ended up circling this smaller trail 3 times before giving up. It wasn't until we got home again that we read that that particular trail has been closed since 1993!! The guide book said it should open soon... whatever that means. We did come across an unfinished boardwalk on our hike so that was probably it. It was supposed to lead us through a cypress swamp, a pitcher plant bog, a sandhill area and other habitats representative of South Georgia. It also said we might be able to see sightings of many waterfowl, gopher tortoises, indigo snakes, deer and other animals along with a host of plant life. Well, we did see a host of plant life and 1 deer so the trip was not without some glory ;-) The great part was spending some quality time with my father, having a few laughs, and getting some fresh air and exercise.
22 OCTOBER 2000
I survived another week!!!
Here are some excerpts from some emails I wrote this week. This one is to one of my friends who was asking why I haven't emailed him for awhile:
"I am rarely at either of my desks for very long… I'm so busy that I have to force myself to stop and eat lunch and then I end up reading and replying to emails. Yes, I see your emails and if I have a spare moment then I reply… in fact I replied today, but before I realized that it was sent from your home, I had already sent it, and when I saw a later email I didn't have time to reply but I knew I had replied to the last one so figured that was okay because eventually you would figure out that I did indeed reply… wow that was a mouthful ;-) bottom line… I'm VERY busy and don't know what day it is sometimes. BUT I'm keeping my stress in check and have not gotten into a bad mood yet so that is a good thing. I'm getting enough sleep most of the time and relaxing with no more than 2 beers in the evening (I may get called out and being drunk myself wouldn't be a good thing). My commander told me today that I was doing a great job and that he thinks I should seriously think about becoming one for real since PSM is going away. He is even sending me to a conference at the end of November for acting first sergeants. His compliment, of course, will motivate me to continue to do a good job until the real one gets back on 6 Nov. Is it 6 Nov yet????"
Here's another email I wrote this week to my sister-in-law. She wanted to know whether the conference I had to go to was going to be fun:
"The conference shouldn't be too bad… I get to learn how to be an 'Acting' First Sergeant. The First Sergeant in a squadron is the main focal point for any and all issues that come up with the enlisted people in the squadron. A First Sergeant is also right up there with the Commander of a squadron. They have a lot of power ;-) I've been having to do 'Acting' First Sergeant duties since the 1st of October and the real one won't be back until the 6th of November… It's been very hectic trying to do this new job plus my real job, but it's also been a good learning experience. But talk about being BUSY BUSY BUSY. Most days I end up putting in 11 to 12 hours on the job plus I'm on call 24 hours a day in case one of the troops get into any trouble and needs to be picked up from jail. Thankfully, I haven't been called in the middle of the night yet."
This coming week shouldn't be too bad because I won't be at work much. My surgery is scheduled for the 25th and then I'll be convalescing until the following Monday.
Tis all for now...
26 OCTOBER 2000
As you can tell I made it through the surgery yesterday ;-) I even feel a whole lot better than what I thought I would… could be all the drugs I'm taking for the pain too ;-) I slept nearly 15 hours once Jonathan brought me home minus 1 hour that I got up around 7 pm so that I could finally eat. Jonathan made this dish that had heavenly smells drifting throughout the house which woke me up… or was it the sounds of my tummy growling that woke me? J After not being able to eat for 24 hours, I was very hungry to say the least and his culinary skills were much appreciated.
I won't know the results til 9 Nov, but I was told… "No news is good news". So if they don't call me by then, then it's probably safe to say the polyps weren't cancerous. Even if they turn out to be cancerous, a hysterectomy would be the treatment which means that I wouldn't have to go through chemo or radiation again which is my real fear. I'll probably call the doctor today to find out how the surgery itself went as no one was there to get the doctor's report. They moved up the time of the surgery to 12:30 which meant Jonathan's planned arrival of 2 pm was a little late. He was there waiting in my room though when I came out of recovery so that was great, and he took me home a short while later. I also received a visit prior to the surgery from Amy who works for me in my office. She brought a present for me that her and Jeff (our new boss) got me. It was a stuffed animal called "Smiley" with a very nice get well card attached saying that they were praying for me. After she left, I laid there with tears streaming out of my eyes because I thought that even know I was alone, I really wasn't. I knew I had my friends and family praying for me and that in itself was a real blessing and I just know that everything is going to be okay.
29 OCTOBER 2000
Guess who came to breakfast? Would you believe my ex-husband and his wife Marsha???? Yep, they were getting ready to leave for New Jersey and needed me to sign a couple checks so wanted to know whether we all wanted to go out to breakfast somewhere. I told them I couldn't leave since I was recuperating from the surgery so suggested they come on over and we would have breakast at my place. They brought the fixings and between Marsha and I working together fixed breakfast for the group of us. Christina, Amanda and Jonathan were there too. Kind of strange, huh? but actually it wasn't, I have no problem whatsoever with being around either of them. And it turned out to be a lot of fun too!
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