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It seems I've been negligent in writing in my journal again… I'm thinking it might be easier if I open a Word document and just type a few lines a day into it and then when I get a free moment I can upload it into my web page. Sounds like a great idea, huh? Let's just see if I can stick with it. Anyway, here's a little update date on what's been going on in my life. I am actually going to cut and paste some of the emails I've written to people.
Here's the first one that I wrote to my brother Mike recently:
I have a whole lot on mind; but just not enough time to purge it. I have a female medical problem I think I mentioned a while back that has me a little worried, but I'm waiting on my next appointment/tests before I can find out the details. Work has me busy as ever… and I'm trying to get used to and adjust to a new boss. I did find out that I will be staying here at this base so won't have to move in the next two years so that's a good thing for me and especially for Jonathan. Let's see… here's a bit of good news. I won the Social Security repayment of $7083 problem I was dealing with so don't have to worry about paying that now.
Here's some stuff that I wrote to Marc…
I finally got my "new" car tagged and insured and even drove it once… I felt so odd trying to drive a standard again, but like a bicycle, you never forget. The worry of one of the "old" cars breaking down is gone now so it was worth every penny. I do have a question though… do you remember when the last time you changed the oil? I didn't know whether I should think about getting that done soon or not.
The office just isn't the same anymore. Things are a changing especially since we are within 60 days of the UCI. I have to try real hard on a daily basis not to take things too personal… like he likes to dog "our" weekly TR, so much so that he is going to start using "his" in one more week. It's always "our way" and "his way and/or Ramstein's way". I was half joking with him the other day saying that he needs to start recognizing that this office is "his" now too ;-) Anyway, I knew you wanted to know what was "really" going on, but I couldn't really say freely over the phone. He is also instituting a new dry erase board that will show every daily duty having to be initialed off including checking ICI four times a day. I guess that's one of those "atta boy / above and beyond" write-ups he's looking for. Don't get me wrong, I can deal with this okay, it's just strange and a little unsettling at times. I'm learning lots too as he is really gung-ho on the network which is leaving me with getting a little more gung-ho with actual PSM stuff. Like would you believe I called the TAC twice last week for system update problems??? Yep, sure did. Had to send them master record prints and the whole shebang. One is over a weight management program code and the other over the new BOP program. They came back and said that the weight management code was already identified however I'm still waiting on the get-around since it affects promotions and reenlistment stuff and the BOP is still being worked. Pretty cool huh? I only say that because usually you handled such stuff because I was too chicken ;-)
Here's part of one that I wrote to my Dad who now has email…
Everything is fine here. Took Mom to see "Nurse Betty" yesterday. I would have preferred to see "Art of War" but "Nurse Betty" was okay. You have to be a soap opera fan to really get the full impact of the humor and even then it wasn't that funny. Oh well.
And here's part of one that I wrote to John… Speaking of John, I'll write about him soon...
By the way, I don't think I ever told you that I was the first choice to be the "acting" First Sergeant while the real one went to school for 6 weeks. I intended to do it, but with the uncertainties of the medical stuff and the high probability of the surgery, I backed out since you have to be available 24/7. They totally understood (the commander and first sergeant) and said that they will probably want me to do it in the future if everything works out for me. I'm not sure I'm up to the responsibility, but it felt good to have their vote of confidence ;-)
22 SEPTEMBER 2000
It's amazing sometimes how fast things change... just a few days ago I wrote about not doing the "acting" First Sergeant duties; however, as of yesterday, I am the "acting" First Sergeant for 6 weeks starting 1 October. I have no idea what situations may arise so have decided to take one day at a time and not worry about it. It will indeed be a challenge both job wise and personal wise, but I WILL arise to it and do a fine job.
23 SEPTEMBER 2000
I read the following this morning during my quiet moments with the Lord and I feel like this describes my situation with John...
Freedom from Bondage
It's a situation that you've dealt with before and you wish it would go away. It is a problem that you beg God to take from you, but He won't. It is the pain you feel in your heart and you've felt it for so long you don't know what it would feel like to live without it. You try to ignore it, but your thoughts keep rushing back. You pray about it often and ask God for answers, but all you hear is "wait." It seems like your freedom from this enigma will never come.
You are frustrated.
Yet there is hope. Romans 8:20-21 teaches, "The creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."
There are trials that God allows you experience because He wants to destroy the bondage that holds you. As long as this plagues you, you are a servant to it. As long as this eats at you, you are not free. Yet God desires for you to fully experience His freedom.
Frustration is good because God is teaching you about His deliverance. This trial is God's tool in your life, and through it He will show you the glorious freedom of being His child.
That was from the September issue of "In Touch"
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
The 21st of September should have been our 2 year anniversary of being back together, but it's just not meant to be. "Things" got in our way and continue to be in our way. Unfortunately, I've lost respect for him and for myself in dealing with it all. I can't and I won't subject myself to it anymore... Long distance relationships are just too hard and too painful especially when the trust factor is damaged which it was way back in November 1998. I spent some time re-reading some emails from that time period today and it brought back some painful memories that have shadowed our relationship these past 2 years. The truth is, he broke my heart back then and that's why today I do not feel much pain and heartache even though our relationship has ended. "The" feelings I once had for him have deminished to almost nothing. We will I'm sure continue to be friends because I can't seem to break away totally and neither can he. Is it because the Lord has something else in mind for us? Is it because the Lord is teaching us something and we just haven't figured it out? The message I got from the passage above was we have to "wait" until He is ready for us to find out.
So until then, I will cherish the great memories that will always and forever be etched in my mind and in my heart and I will accept the fact that I'm truly destined to be alone.
29 SEPTEMBER 2000
The news for the day is… I have to have surgery on the 25th of October. A hysteroscopy and D&C. Basically, it looks like I have some multiple polyps in my uterus which are causing me to have periods when I'm not supposed to since I'm in menopause. The surgery will not only help stop the periods, but will rule out any type of cancer. I really hate that word! But, I'm praying, and it should all be okay… It's an outpatient procedure/surgery… in one day, out the same… so once I wake up in recovery and once I'm alert, I can leave. Trying to arrange with Jonathan or Christina to pick up me up since I don't think I'll be able to drive. My mom will come do it if they can't so am not worried about that aspect. What would be really great is if my dad happens to coordinate his upcoming trip to where he would be here that day. We will just have to see. I did ask the doctor what IF it turns out to be cancer and he said that I'd have to have a hysterectomy and that would probably take care of it. My main concern was to have to go through chemo again but he assured me that usually just the hysterectomy is required. So that made me feel better ;-)
Tis all for now… tomorrow I go on my first hike with my mother.
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