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What a wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend! Not only had a lot of fun with Jonathan, Emily, and Christina, but also was able to relax some too. Played goony golf, went bowling, and then went bar hopping where I ended up getting pretty darn drunk… puked all over Jonathan and then when they got me home to his place, I guess I started crying and ended up telling them that I was scared the cancer was back. Jonathan said he didn’t feel anything that shouldn’t be there; HOWEVER, Christina told me on the way home today that “he lied”… he did feel lumps that shouldn’t be there, but didn’t want to upset me further so he lied. I can’t blame him for doing that… I would have done the same… BUT now I’m even more scared than ever before. And I’m alone with my fears right now and that probably isn’t a good thing, BUT I’m coping as well as I can and will continue to pray to God for the strength to take one day at a time.
6 SEP 05
I’m not totally alone… Jim, believe it or not has become a great source of comfort for me as I’m able to talk to him about it and he is being very supportive. In fact, we are talking on the phone more now that we are just friends than we did when we were in a “relationship”. Funny how things happen like that or is it just meant to be?
7 SEP 05
I had Marilyn who used to be a nurse feel my neck yesterday and she didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary. That is a very good indicator that this is all in my damn head. I called Jonathan too and got confirmation that he thought he felt something, but he wouldn’t actually say that… instead there was a very big pregnant pause and then he said, let’s wait til your doctor’s appt on the 14th. I told him that I was sorry for bringing it up that night and worrying him like this and I am…. Anyway, I’m doing my best not to worry. Instead, I’m going to focus on getting healthy again once I get the all clear… quit smoking, eating better, and exercising to the point of toning my body once and for all!
8 SEP 05
I’m still on the mind set that I’m going to start a serious healthy fitness program once I get the good news on the 14th. Yes, I’m thinking positive :-) Let’s see…. I also decided I’m not going to Pensacola this weekend but will wait til the following weekend. I asked for leave on the 16th and the Chief said I could use a comp day. He sure will be missed and I can’t believe I’m saying that since he is one of the biggest factors of why I’m not going to get promoted past MSgt. Anyway, I made motel reservations at the Motel 6 because I do not ever want to be around my aunt again like I was before. She just stresses me out too damn much. Well, it’s shower time and then off to work I go… oh boy!
9 SEP 05
TGIF!!! Today should be a good one or at least I hope so… I even have a lunch date with Sheena. Called dad last night to see if he received my email and he did and so it is set for me to travel to Pensacola next weekend. I’m not sure that he liked the idea of my staying in a motel, but then I think he understands although he’ll probably receive the wicked witches wrath from it….but he is used to her and blows it off while I seem to let it get to me too much.
10 SEP 05
Woke up this morning at 0530 , but was still tired after 9 hours of sleep. That’s not a good sign; however, what will be will be and if I get good news on the 14th then I still plan on hitting the healthy lifestyle strong and hard which should take care of feeling tired after 9 hours of sleep. I did get up and get my errands done though… had my tire fixed at Walmart because there seemed to be a slow leak in it and there sure was because there was a nail in it…. While they fixed that, I went shopping for a few things I needed like foil, RV light bulbs, and a new cooler. Then I headed towards the mall and had my car washed, checked my mail, mailed a letter to my mother, got cash out of the ATM, went through the drive-thru at McDonalds and got a $1 sausage biscuit, got my hair colored at Regis, rented some videos for the weekend, went to the RV place and bought some replacement lenses for my lights, bought some milk for making mashed potatoes, and last but not least, went through the Wendy’s drive-thru to get my customary side salads to have with dinners the next two nights. All that in 3 ½ hours. Now I’m home where I can relax the rest of the weekend doing such chores as laundry, ironing, mowing the grass, and working on some office work I brought home. Yes, I’ll manage time to do absolutely nothing too, read a book, watch those videos I picked up this morning, and even take a stroll down to the lake. That is definitely relaxing sitting there staring at the water, watching the birds fly, and feeling the breeze on my face.
11 SEP 05
A day the United States will never forget…correction…the World will never forget. Jim hasn’t called since last Monday… I really hate that I still get disappointed even though we are just friends. Could be because he gave me a glimmer of something else last weekend and the fool that I am, fell for it. I guess deep down, I still have hopes and expectations although I do realize that a relationship would be fruitless and more than that, stressful. Right now I can handle the disappointments without it being stressful so all is well and I’m not stressed…about that anyway. I’m still dealing with the “what ifs” of my appt on Wed. I sit in my chair outside and feel my neck and can’t help but worry and then get sad. I should be used to it by now since I go through this crap every year…this year just happens to be more of a possibility considering all the stress I’ve been under plus the fact that I feel what I feel. Okay, enough of that…. Please Lord continue to give me the strength to endure this wonderment period…Amen.
12 SEP 05
I got a lot done yesterday so woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to meet the grueling week of work. Actually only 4 days of it since I have Friday off.
Finally got a hold of my mother… she acted like she had turned off the ringer on purpose but I was good and didn’t accuse her. Why do I say that? Because I know my mother pretty good and could sense the deceit and game playing. I played her game though and that is that.
13 SEP 05
Yepper, yesterday was grueling and today will be too as I’m providing one hour’s worth of intense training to personnelists each an every hour throughout the day. I MUST not get too stressed though and will keep my angel stone with me at all times today.
Janice is a great friend! She called me last night knowing that I am going crazy with waiting for the doctor’s appt. Felt real good to just chat about it aloud versus keeping it all inside :-)
14 SEP 05
Today’s the day!
~~~~~~
Well, I’m not so paranoid that I need to go see a shrink….that’s the good news! No, there’s no bad news….yet anyway. The doctor DID feel enlarged lymph nodes in my neck, but he said that he is not alarmed because he said it could be a number of things and not necessarily my cancer being back. He did order a CT scan and that will either confirm or deny my worries of it being back. I am so relieved about that. Hopefully it won’t take forever for the appointment to be scheduled because I’m going to naturally be stressed over it until I find out. And no, the doctor saying that he is not alarmed does nothing to ease my worries because they’ve said that to me before and it ended up being bad news. I’ll still try to think positive though and pray A LOT and deal with the outcome one way or the other. I have to…right? RIGHT!
15 SEP 05
Tis not only payday, but the end of my work week too! Tomorrow I head to Pensacola to spend time with my mom and then my dad. I’ll stay at the Motel 6 to relieve any additional stress… in fact, I look forward to nice relaxing bubble bath :-)
16 SEP 05
The CT scan of my neck has been scheduled for next Wednesday, 21 Sep, at 4:30 p.m. I was so dreading the idea of waiting for several weeks to a month to find out so I can actually say that Yes, my prayers were answered! I did get a little teary eyed when I picked up the paperwork from the clinic because the provisional diagnosis stated: LYMPH NODE HODGKIN LYMPHOMA NODULAR SCLEROSIS CELLULAR PHASE. They had also removed the wording “for surveillance”…. meaning I think he does think it’s back, but didn’t want to tell me that because he knew that I would instantly get all upset. Is my doctor protecting me? Or does he not want to deal with the emotional side of MSgt Carol Shupe? I’ll never know unless I ask him… will I ask him? Maybe… anyway, my friend Monica asked if there was anything she could do… and even asked if I wanted her to go with me. At first I said no, but then after picking up the paperwork, I decided there was no need in my trying to go through this alone and I accepted her offer.
I’ve never had someone sit there with me while waiting and it just may be exactly what I need to take the edge off. Yes, I’m proud of myself for reaching out and accepting her offer of friendship… I’ll probably have to do that more often in the coming days and months IF I am diagnosed with recurrent Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Okay, enough of that, I need to get ready for my trip to Pensacola where I may or may not give my parents a heads up about whats going on with their daughter. Monica thinks I should, my kids think I shouldn’t, and I’m ambivalent.
17 SEP 05
I ended up telling both my parents… and of course they didn’t say much nor offer any comfort that normal parents would automatically do, but I do know they care and that’s what counts. I didn’t want to shock them with the announcement of my cancer being back if they didn’t already know that there was a chance. Did I do the right thing? I think so…because I’m pretty darn sure its back and the sooner they can deal with that the better. I did put a positive spin on it for my dad… I told that maybe they’d retire me and I could hurry up and get better and then we could go on that dream boat trip of his around the great loop. Who knows…it could really happen and that would be one heck of an adventure!
An email to my brother Mike….
Yesterday I got here and went straight to mom’s where I fixed her email. Apparently there was a bad email out there that was stopping the process so once they deleted it, it started working again. Then I took her friend Frances to get her car…. That was a nice drive for Mom as we hadn’t been on that side of Pensacola before. Not that it was anything spectacular, but it was different scenery for her. After we dropped Frances off we went to the bank to deposit some money in her account and then headed to Smoky Bones BBQ and Grill where we foundered on ribs. There were plenty of leftovers so she took those home with her plus a backseat full of groceries from Walmart. Things like bread, cheese, fruit, and cereal. All was well for most of the visit, but then she did something that annoyed me and I let loose of my control and acted like a lunatic for about an hour. What was it that set me off? She wouldn’t let me finish a sentence much less the description of my trip to Chattanooga. Stupid reason to get upset, but I think my only excuse is that I’ve been under a lot of stress lately because of the doctor’s visit I had to wait forever for… like a month and a half worth of wait because of my rescheduling it once and then the doctor rescheduling once. ANYWAY, I was going to wait til next week to say anything, but I can’t hold it in any longer and want to get it off my chest. I told mom during my hour of lunacy which wasn’t the right thing to do, but I couldn’t help myself. Of course her reaction wasn’t what I needed so that didn’t help matters and I spun even more out of control. I finally got a grip and we ended our visit on a positive note plus I called her today and everything is fine. She says she is used to my lunacy and doesn’t let it bother her. I guess I should hold on to that as a trait of a good mother.
Okay here goes… I have a few enlarged lymph nodes in my neck again. They’ve been there since July and have been getting bigger. I thought I was just being paranoid, but the doctor confirmed it. He says it could be a number of things and not necessarily my cancer being back so he is not going to get alarmed about it and that I shouldn’t either. Yeah, easier said than done! He scheduled me for a CT scan of my neck for this coming Wednesday soooooooooooooo that should either confirm or deny the presence of IT being back. Yes, I’m going absolutely CRAZY with worry, but I think what I’m doing is preparing myself in the event of. In fact, I’m trying to put a positive spin on it in the event of by telling myself that maybe this could be a way to retire early and get the heck out of all the stress of WORK. Work is the only thing that is majorly stressing me these days since the other things I already took care of…. Ending my relationship with Jim and moving mom here to Pensacola. I told Dad this morning at breakfast and again I put a positive spin on it by saying that maybe if they retired me that him and I could go together on his boat trip dream. I think he liked the idea :-) And yes, I did my best to persuade him not to sell the house… told him he should instead take trips here and there to get away. He said something about the yard work and I told him to hire someone while he was gone. Anyway, I did my best. I also asked him about the paperwork Steve sent him and whether he had any questions, but he didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t push the issue. We did have fun kayaking though… however, he tired out sooner than he usually does as we turned around at the first bridge and not the second so I’m thinking that he is realizing that he is getting older.
Okay, I’ve rambled on enough…. I’m glad your exam had positive news! And yes, I’ll let you know the outcome of mine and hopefully mine will be good news too :-)
18 SEP 05
Got 10 hours of sleep last night after eating a medium pizza and watching a movie. Woke up refreshed and ready for my trip home; however, I took my dad to the Navy base to get his supply of spirits. It was a nice trip and we even pulled over to the side of the road so that he could see/listen to the video of him singing Danny Boy. I could tell that he got a kick out of it :-)
The trip home was pretty good…stopped in Crestview and bought a CD player as the walkman radio just wasn’t picking up any stations and I really don’t like complete silence. So I listened to about 4 Cds on the way home and it made the long trip more relaxing.
Got home and washed the million love bugs off my car, unpacked, and now I’m about to fix dinner (ham, tator tots, and green beans) and then watch my soaps that I taped. Will go to bed soon after to get ready for the dreaded work week and my CT scan on Wednesday.
19 SEP 05
I slept late this morning… didn’t feel like getting up and going to PT. Mostly because I tossed and turned because my hip and knee was aching.
20 SEP 05 Still holding on to my sanity while waiting for the outcome….
21 SEP 05
Today is the day of the CT scan… Tomorrow the answer. Check out what my horoscope is for today….wow!
Capricorn
Changes are on the horizon, and you feel like you're about to start a major chapter in your own personal book of destiny. You should be thrilled, but you might be feeling a touch queasy instead. Transitions are tough times -- rarely does a person jump into them headfirst, so cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit for riding out this rough patch. Trying to anticipate problems will just make you a wreck; go with the flow for now.
The CT scan is over… brought back lots and lots of memories from years past. Even the difficulty of finding a vein for the IV that would infuse the dye/contrast in me was familiar. Third time was the charm as she (the nurse) finally found a vein to use on top of my left hand. So I guess one of the only differences was I had my friend/co-worker Monica waiting in the waiting room for me whereas all other times, I was alone. I took her to dinner to show my appreciation, plus I knew it would be fun and it was. The other difference was that I didn’t have to travel all the way to Keesler AFB…they sent me to the South Georgia Medical Center, right here in Valdosta. But now the real wait begins. I don’t think I’ll find out anything until Monday because my doctor is going on leave tomorrow and Friday… grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but as my horoscope states, I must go with the flow for now; HOWEVER, I think I’ll take Friday off because it would be easier to endure the waiting game in my own home versus at work…. Work is the least place I want to hang out!
Oh yeah, Jonathan called me right beforehand to check on me and that made my heart almost skip a beat with joy :-)
22 SEP 05
I slept pretty good, but can use a few more hours. I guess that’s all part of this….meaning being tired all the time. Plus I definitely noticed that I am getting night sweats although it is only a mild occurrence several times during the night. I remember the drenching ones and by no means is it doing that, but then again, that was after 2 years of the cancer growing and consuming my body. This time, IF it is back, then at least we are catching it early. Okay, enough for now as I must go to work.
23 SEP 05
I took today off from work… I’m just too anxious to sit around work waiting for the phone to ring with the results. Decided I’d rather be in the comfort of my home while I go through this period of waiting. I did call the clinic yesterday to confirm that I had to wait til Monday and they told me that because of the problem with email the day before, the telephone consult never went through so Dr Steed probably had no idea I had the CT scan before he went on leave. The girl that answered the phone said she would get with someone named Cynthia Parker to see if the results were faxed in, but of course, I didn’t receive a call back. Oh well, I will enjoy my 3 day weekend to the utmost of my ability. In fact, I started it off with a wonderful walk where I had Yanni playing through my headphones and I watched an incredible display of the morning sunrise streak through the sky. Just beautiful and so welcoming and relaxing. Will have to do that tomorrow morning too, but this time I’ll bring my coffee to enjoy while I’m sitting on the dock :-)
24 SEP 05
Yesterday was very relaxing until I got a phone call from the clinic saying that the results were in but that they were locked up in the doctor’s office so no one could get to them to let me know. She said that she hated that I had to go the whole weekend but that there was nothing she could do. I told her thanks for the phone call and after hanging up I sat in my chair no more than 60 seconds before I just broke down crying. Seems that I’ve been on a fine line of keeping my control intact and after that phone call brought me back to reality and what I was up against, I kinda lost it. I tried to call Janice but she wasn’t home… then I called my mom, but of course she was of no help so as soon as I could, I hung up with her and then called my son. My son let me get it out of my system and helped me gain control again. I’m still doing okay… I even made it back down to the dock to watch the sunrise this morning and it lifted my spirits just as yesterday’s did :-) and yes, I brought my coffee with me!
Yesterday also brought another rain band from Hurricane Rita and knocked out the power and in doing so also fried my modem. I tried a few things to troubleshoot it, but to no avail so I got on the phone this morning and called the service company that covers my laptop. Luckily power surge is covered and so they are sending a shipping box in 2 days and then the company will fix it and send it back within 7 to 10 days. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but at least it won’t cost me anything, but time away from being connected. I spent the morning backing things up and making printed copies of my important data in case they lose anything. Also, I deleted a bunch of work files since they included SSANs of people at Moody.
This afternoon I think I’ll drink beer and bbq a steak on my grill.
25 SEP 05
I did drink beer and grill a steak and it was sooooooooooooooo delicious! I even walked down to the lake again as I was feeling like I needed to see the water and relax to the tunes of Yanni. And as always, it did me a world a good.
Today I’m not quite sure what I plan to do….will just go with the flow and call it a do nothing day. First things first though and I must take a shower…fix breakfast…and then watch my soap that I taped from Friday.
~
Well, I’ve done the above things and now I’m in the midst of giving myself a manicure and pedicure while reading my books… Point Blank by Catherine Coulter and a travel writing book that I’m perusing.
26 SEP 05
After perusing the travel writing book yesterday, I got this urge to go buy a road atlas and map out my whirlwind trip in the event of bad news. Went to three different stores before I found one at the gas station. Duh! That should have been my first stop. Anyway, I was totally absorbed the rest of the afternoon plotting and planning 50 states in 50 days or less. It got my mind off of the impending news of the results today so it was time well spent. It was fun too!
So I guess the next time I write, I’ll know… I’ll FINALLY know.
~
I don’t FINALLY know whether the cancer is back, but I do FINALLY know that I’m not crazy nor paranoid. The CT scan revealed several enlarged cervical lymph nodes, largest being 10 mm. When Dr. Steed called me, he said he had good news and bad news… I’m still not sure at the present time, what each were, but what I got out of it was that I wasn’t crazy and that it did reveal the enlarged lymph nodes. He was about to tell me what my options were when I asked if I could get a biopsy so that I’d know for sure and he said that that was one of my options. First option would be to wait 3 months and then get another CT scan and the second option would be the biopsy. He put it totally in my hands. I told him I wanted the biopsy because I couldn’t stand the thought of waiting 3 months and I wanted to know NOW. So that is the next step in the process…. How do I feel? Surprisingly I feel calm, cool, and collected because I now know that I’m not crazy and that, in itself, is huge in my book. I can now deal with the future and whatever it may have in store for me. I shared the news with friends and family and now I’m getting ready to eat dinner and watch my favorite shows that I taped.
27 SEP 05
Actually slept a little better last night… however, I was reminded of my situation as I would wake and realize that my chest was damp. Yep, having night sweats although they are mild, not drenching. I noticed that the doctor put “no” night sweats on my referral so I guess he doesn’t count the mild form that I told him about. I guess I should say “yes” to the night sweat question and leave it at that. we’ll see…. My state of mind is still calm, cool, and collected.
28 SEP 05
I called Tricare then the surgeon’s office to make an appointment for the evaluation of doing a biopsy. The appt is scheduled for next Thursday at 2:45. Even found out that the doctor is a cancer surgeon… that is a real good thing! My state of mind is still triple “c” :-)
29 SEP 05
Amazingly my state of mind is still triple “c” :-) Actually it’s not because I have such faith in God that this is all happening for a reason unknown to me and that I just have to TRUST in HIM! I emailed the family yesterday which was more difficult than I thought it would be because it was hard to find the right words so that it didn’t sound like I was seeking attention or making too big a deal out of it.
30 SEP 05
Today is Super Sports Day which means I don’t have to work that hard :-) Maybe I’ll take advantage of the quiet and get a few things done. I’m still doing okay…I have A LOT of support throughout my workplace and that really does help keep me strong. I called Dad last night to say hello and to feel him out about my possible trip to Pensacola next weekend, however, I didn’t get a strong vibe that he cared whether I came or not soooooooooooo I’m not going to go. I’d rather go when he wants me to like he did the previous trip. No big deal… I have a 3 day weekend and I’ll think of something to do even if I just spend it relaxing.
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