This is for all the Police Officers who serve the citizens of our great nation.They are people with families just like you.They also have a great sense of humor.Since Chuck is in Law Enforcement we know they need that sense of humor just to keep their sanity.We have the deepest respect for them.
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge,only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared,"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented,
"That's all right.You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says,"Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!You're getting a ticket!"
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take...30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house,and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park,and couldn't find his way home.
" Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years!
So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.
Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost,I was just too tired to walk home.
What is Meant!
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
What is Said!
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner....
What is Meant!
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
What is Said!
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control....
What is Meant!
It was raining.
What is Said!
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant....
What is Meant!
It was too hot to ride in the car.
What is Said!
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
What is Meant!
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
What is Said!
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
What is Meant!
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
What is Said!
While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act...
What is Meant!
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses....
What is Said!
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
What is Meant!
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...
What is Said!
Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say"Come in" so this writer entered through the door....
What is Meant!
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
What is Said!
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies....
What is Meant!
I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post".
What is Said!
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command....
What is Meant!
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
What is Said!
Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions....
What is Meant!
It was my bowling night.
What is Said!
The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage....
What is Meant!
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
What is Said!
Using only enough force to restrain the subject....
What is Meant!
My favorite song is "Dropkick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"
What is Said!
The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment....
What is Meant!
I told him he didn't have the guts to call the judge the same name he called me.
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man though for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely.That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got was $15.
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesn't get more than a half-dozen blocks before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch his nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the Breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the Breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light -- the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.
"Alright," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?" "Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "You've heard of being the Designated Driver? I'm the Designated Decoy."
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they're uttered,vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books-Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,published a few months ago. From Mrs.Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transcripts, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q.What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A.No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake tell them your first name!
Q.Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.I refuse to answer that question.
Q.Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q.Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q.Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be 3 months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that ****** and she did!
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A.Silence!
Hey, you must've been doin' at least 125mph to keep up with me!
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Excuse me, is "stick up" hyphenated?
Ya know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your hiney kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your momma didn't let you play with a gun when you were little?
Red light? Come on, that was orange!
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say--,"
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother the case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten- story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
The next time you see a Police Officer Thank Him or Her.They put their lives on the line every day for the citizens of their communities.
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