We hope that this will bring a smile to your face or perhaps a big belly laugh.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,talk in your sleep.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think they are beautiful.
If your blood pressure is higher than your weekly income.
If you thought "Melrose Place"was a Monopoly property.
If your kids can't stand listening to your 8-tracks.
If your favorite prayer is "Come quickly, Lord Jesus."
If you thought "Smashing Pumpkins" was a Halloween prank.
If your favorite sayings are:
"When I was your age"
"Money doesn't grow on trees!"
"Because I'm your Mother/Father!"
If her curfew is 6PM and she can start dating at 28.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You keep repeating yourself.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You keep repeating yourself.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
You keep repeating yourself.
You discover bifocals are stylish.
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time..
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
Your social security number only has three digits.
Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay
There would be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
Women would rule the world
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You have once deemed Space Invaders "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now includes Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.
Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
Pregnant pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal--when your life was still your own.
Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
Second trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
6. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
7. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
8. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
9. You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.
10. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes.
11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
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