*Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
*If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
* If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
* Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
* Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
* Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
* If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
*Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
* Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
* Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
* Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
* If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
* How can someone "draw a blank"?
* Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
* Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* What is another word for "thesaurus"?
* When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
* Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
* Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
* Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
* Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
* Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
* Does a fish get cramps after eating?
* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
* Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
* What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
* How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
* Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
* Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
* Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
*If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
*Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
* When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
* Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
* Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
* Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
*Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
* "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
*If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
* Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
*If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
*If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handy
* Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
* I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
* If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
* During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going around the corner."
* When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
* Broken promises don't upset me. I just think: why did they believe me?
* For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
* I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
* I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
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