Praise and Worship Music
for your listening pleasure.

	Awesome God		I Will Celebrate
	In Moments Like These		I Stand in Awe of You
	I Lift your Name on High		Celebrate Jesus
	Trees of the Field		King of Kings
	Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus		I Worship You
Thanks to:

After coming down so hard on the standard practices of today's churches, I'd be remiss if I didn't offer some suggestions for making changes to bring families back together in an orderly and organized fashion.  These are only suggestions.  Some I've seen done in various congregations, others are my own fancy.  They may not all work for all congregations, but they are a starting point.  Try them on and see how they fit.  Taylor them to fit your needs, or toss them and find your own ideas.

Changes from the bottom up (parents, these are for you):

• Don't use the children's programs for primary activities.  Others may look at you strangely, or even make you uncomfortable, but stick by your convictions to put your family first.
• Take the time to train your children to sit and listen in church.  Practice at home:
• Arrange chairs to represent where you sit in church.
• Play some music or sing a song or two.  Show them how to stand respectfully.  Teach them about raising or clapping hands if that's appropriate to your church.
• Sit everyone down and have them listen while you read the Bible.  Make it clear what behavior you expect.
• Show them how to fold their hands and bow their heads to pray.
• Keep it really short the first time, especially if your children are toddlers.
• Once they get the idea, add a few minutes, then a few minutes more.  You probably won't have to go through this at home for the full length of the service before they are able to make it through in church.
• You may want to allow the younger children to look at picture books or color, during the sermon as this is the most difficult time for them.  I allowed mine to do this while they were learning to be in church and until they're about 5 years old.
• Be prepared to remove someone and administer appropriate discipline if necessary.
 
• Teach your children to follow along with the music and the reading if they are old enough.  Offer a helping finger if they need it.
• Even young children can learn the words to a couple of praise choruses or hymns.  Teach them one or two that are sung most frequently at your church.
• Take the time to train your children how to behave in a Bible study setting.
• Your children will probably be interacting with adults during the fellowship time.  Teach them how to talk respectfully.  "Please," "Thank you," and "Excuse me" are musts.
• If there will be food, make sure your children know and use good manners.  Teach them they must ask for help getting the food, if they're little, and that they must sit still where they're told so as not to get food all over the host's home.
• In a home, there probably won't be enough chair/couch space for children and adults.  Teach them that they are to sit near your feet and follow along with the study.
• Small children my color quietly or look at picture books if you think it's appropriate.
• Older children can be taught to participate in the discussion.

I hope you don't think I'm presumptuous here.  I'm trying to present to you what would be beneficial to me as a young parent.

• Most important:  Please shut down nurseries and children's church for the main service and the main Bible study in your church.
• If your church routinely has long (longer than an hour) sermons, realize this isn't family friendly.  Consider shortening them and offering more in-depth Bible studies to compensate. Or restructure your services. My family is currently attending a home-church. The "sermon" (for lack of a better word) is delivered in 2 parts by a husband-wife team. The wife preaches first, deliviering a message of exhortation. The husband teaches after his wife, delivering a more in-depth message. It is not unusual for the total teaching time to be 2 hours or more, and this is followed by a time of ministry and prayer. Although this is lengthy, the more relaxed atmosphere and location (a house!) allows more freedom. Smaller children can sit for the first part and then be allowed to leave as there attention span is probably up. They can play quiety in a nearby room where parents can sneak out to check on them briefly. (Using adults to watch over them creates many of the problems of a staffed nursery as explained in the first part of this article.) Older children can remain longer, as their attention span and training allows. By the time the children are teenagers, there's no reason they shouldn't be able to sit for and understand the entire teaching.
• If your church is steeped in children's programs it may help to shorten services for a few weeks while everyone makes the adjustment.  It shouldn't take long before you can return to normal.
• Consider offering a short (5 minute) children's sermon related to the regular sermon.  This helps them concentrate on the regular sermon because they will hear some things repeated.
• Consider singing a children's song or two.  This isn't necessary as even small children can learn some of the choruses or hymns we regularly sing, but it may help them feel more a part of the service. In our home-church, the worship typically is not as formally organized. There's singing and dancing during fellowship and pot-luck time. This allows the children a bit more freedom in worship and give the parents a relaxed atmosphere in which to teach their children to worship.
• Set up a structure for teaching parents how to train their children.  This could include Bible studies, parenting classes, or hands on assistance.  Many parents don't know how to properly train their children and have even been taught not to expect too much of young children.  Many will become discouraged along the way.  Be sure they have the support of the leadership.
• Encourage older couples to mentor them and offer assistance along the way.
• Encourage teenagers to lend a helping hand to a family with many young children.  Mom and dad may need someone to pick up a dropped dolly.
• Make it comfortable for breastfeeding moms.  Some mothers prefer a private place to nurse.  Be sure they have one that is quiet and comfortable (I recommend adding rocking chairs), but where they can still see and hear the service.  Other mothers prefer to nurse in the sanctuary.  Breastfeeding is God's design.  Mothers who prefer the fellowship of their family and other believers to the isolation of a "nursing room" should be allowed and even encouraged to remain in the congregation.  This may mean you'll have to do some educating of your members as public breastfeeding is considered rather strange in the United States.  (See my article  Breastfeeding by Design.)  Also, I would like to see breastfeeding mothers made more comfortable in the sanctuary.  Perhaps bring in a few rocking chairs and place them along the sides and/or back of the sanctuary where mom and baby can sit right next to the rest of her family.  As an added benefit to the congregation and to mothers, you may find the rocking chairs provide enough comfort to keep some babies quiet during the service.  Be sure your congregation understands the purpose of the chairs so that they aren't taken up by people who are looking for a cushy seat or toddler using them as climbing toys.  (Elderly people or people with back trouble may appreciate the addition of a couple of rocking chairs, too.) Here again, the atmoshpere and of the home-church can make the breastfeeding mother more comfortable.
• Structure Bible studies so that children can participate, perhaps going over a section of Scripture 2 or 3 times in the evening, getting deeper in each time.  The children can ask and answer question early on.  If the study is lengthy, the children could be dismissed to play quietly together after the first time through.
• It may occasionally be appropriate to offer a "PG13" sermon, one based on 1CO 7 or similar passages.  At these times, it would beneficial to provide children's activities in order to shelter them from discussion they are not ready to hear.  Make child care arrangements and inform the congregation at least a couple of weeks in advance so that parents will have time to discern if the arrangements are suitable for their families and make other arrangements if they are not.

Lateral Change (this is for those of you who don't have children or have older children):

• Be patient.  Things may seem crazy for a while, but will settle down as everyone gets used to the arrangement.
• Offer a helping hand where needed.  Single people, older people, teenagers:  You can assist with dropped books and dolls.  You can sit next to a child and help her follow along.  When mom or dad takes one little one potty, you can sit with the others.  These acts of kindness are especially important when one parent is absent.  This will go a long way toward strengthening the church body.
• If you've raised your children and successfully been through the training process, offer your assistance to parents of young children.  Mentor them.  Teach them how to train their children.  Be there to lend a hand when needed.
• Offer encouragement.  Even the best behaved children have their moments.

Most congregations have extra activities during the week.  These may include Bible studies for specific groups of people, church dinners, youth groups and the like.  These activities definitely serve a purpose.  They bring people together in a more relaxed manner.  They aid in building friendships with peers.  They can address concerns specific to a group of people.  People naturally gather with their peers.  But care must be taken not to overuse these activities or to allow them to interfere with the family.  There is no Biblical mandate or precedent for these types of activities, so the Biblical focus on family unity must be a higher priority at all times.

Frequently, a nursery is offered for mid-week activities in the church.  In general, I have no problem with offering the nursery at this time.  I do, however, have a problem with it being mandatory, with some notable exceptions.  As I mentioned in the article about Primary Activities, many small children suffer from separation anxiety.  Forcing these children into the nursery is totally inappropriate.  It risks damaging the child's secure bond with his or her parents.  Also, many parents practicing attachment parenting in their homes may feel they shouldn't separate themselves from their children.  In these cases, respect for the unity of the family should take precedence over what is perceived as "adult time."  The children should be allowed to remain with their parents so long as they are well behaved.  Parents should be mindful of the child's behavior.  At the same time, others should have realistic expectations of the child's behavior.  It is too much to expect a 2 year old child to sit and not move for 1 or 2 hours. However the same child can be trained to be reasonably still and reasonably quiet.  Perhaps s/he can sit on the floor next to the parent and occasionally hop up into the parent's lap.  Rather than seeing this child as a distraction, others should see the child as a blessing, God does.  Rather than seeing the presence of the child as a bother, others should see it as a beautiful bond between the child and parent.  Realize this bond will allow the child to be more secure as s/he grows.

Following are some specific activities and some suggestions of how to make them family friendly.  Also, some exceptions are listed below.

• Probably the most common activity found in modern churches is a weekly women's Bible study.  This is also the most likely place to encounter a conflict between caring for a child and having "adult time."  The mothers participating in the study are the ones who will be caring for small children at the crucial age of attachment.  Some may have elementary aged children that they are homeschooling, children too young to leave home alone but too old for the nursery.  These women also tend to feel isolated at home caring for small children, so the ability to participate in a study with other women is important to them.  It is also reasonable to expect that there will be some women present who do not want children in the room.  While I believe this attitude is not Biblical, I do realize that we are not perfect and sometimes we just plain need a break.  Also, occasionally, it may be necessary to cover topics that just aren't appropriate for small children to hear.  So, how do we deal with these situations?
• Many churches are large enough to offer 2 studies at the same time.  One room could be closed to children, the other open.  This would give moms who need to keep a child with them the opportunity to do so.  It would also give women who prefer not to have children around a chance to have a break.  If the church is not big enough to support 2 simultaneous studies, the study should be structured in favor of family unity.
• Consider offering a mom & kids study, similar to the regular family Bible study.
 
• Make arrangements for young homeschool children in order for their mothers to participate in the Bible study.  If the study meets in a large room, such as a fellowship hall, a couple of tables could be set up where the children could quietly play cards or board games or do their school work.  If the study room is small, an adjoining room would work as well.
 
• Rather than a typical weekly Bible study, have a monthly fellowship meeting which would include the children and encourage (actively set into motion) mentoring relationships between women in the church.  Older women can meet weekly with the younger women in a hands-on relationship which is more in keeping with Titus 2:4-5, anyway,  which exhorts the older women
that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
In this arrangement, an older woman would take a younger woman under her wings and teach her through hands on assistance, passing down her wisdom in a mentoring relationship.  Some women in the middle may be both older women to those even younger, and younger women to those with more wisdom.

These suggestions would work equally well for men's activities, though I suspect it is much less likely to be necessary, as usually when men gather the kids are home with the moms.

• Sports activities come to mind, also.  In many churches, men gather for basketball, touch football and the like.  Here, I suggest you include children, particularly boys, old enough to participate.  This is a wonderful opportunity for dads to bond with their sons.  Why lose that opportunity to "adult time."
• Another area of concern is retreats.  I would agree that there are benefits to gathering together for an intense time of spiritual training and edifying, but the attitude surrounding modern day retreats tends to be one of dropping responsibilities and getting away from children and spouses for a break.  Woman are encouraged to find sitters for their children because they "need a break."  We think like this is because we are conditioned by the world to see our lives as a hassel.

Also, I see very little Biblical precedence for retreats as they are structured in the modern church.  In Acts, after Jesus ascends to heaven, we do see people taking time out for prayer.  The apostles and the women meet in the upper room.  The only woman specifically mentioned in this account is Mary, the mother of Jesus, whose children were grown by this time.   The other women who typically followed Jesus and the apostles were unmarried as far as we can tell.  Although it is possible that some of the apostles left family behind (I wouldn't be surprised if their families abandoned them because of their zeal for the Lord), we can safely assume that no small children were left to suffer anxiety because of forced separation from the nurturing parent.  This is a stark contrast to the modern church where we are encourged to leave even stressed children and nursing infants.

While hosting retreats at your church, strive to acheive a balance between taking quiet time for spiritual edification and holding true to family unity.  School-age children can be left for a day or two with a trusted care giver, and usually enjoy it.  However, it is my recommendation that you make accommodation for the women who must bring small children, rather than allow them to feel "left out,"  as this causes fractures in fellowship.  At the very least, moms of nursing children should feel comfortable brining them along -- even moms who are practicing extended nursing and don't wish to leave their toddlers.  (See my article  Breastfeeding by Design.)  If you are following the other family friendly guidelines in this article everyone would be prepared for the experience.  The children would know how to behave.  The moms would have built up a sensitivity, knowing when her child needs a break so as not to cause a disruption.  Other's would have soft hearts toward the little children and see their presense as a blessing.

It is not as likely that men would need to bring little ones along, but there could be a time.  Perhaps you have a single dad in the congregation with a very small child who is uncomfortable with sitters.  Again, this father and child should be able to attend together.

• Many churches run charitable drives or fund raisers.  It is easy to include children in these activities, and a good witness to them of Christian charity.
• There are some exceptions to the rule of including children in your regular church activities.  They would generally involve groups where the content would be unsuitable for children.  Specific examples might be:
• An alcoholics anonymous meeting
• A victims of violent crime support group
You get the idea.  Here, it is in the best interest of the children to protect them from content that they may not be ready to hear or that may adversely affect a developing mind. You are also protecting the adults privacy when dealing with personal issues.