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I have hesitated to write on this issue since so much has already been written and is available on the Web, much of it by people far more qualified than I to evaluate the materials. However, after much study and prayer, I have become convinced that I need to add my voice to those who have expressed concern with this program. Preparation for Parenting (PFP), (subtitled: Bringing God's Order to Your Baby's Day and Restful Sleep to Your Baby's Night) is a step-by-step guide to parenting an infant through the first 5 months of his life. It is authored by Gary Ezzo and his wife Anne Marie, and is published by Growing Families International (GFI) of Chatsworth, California. This material is also offered as On
Becoming Babywise, I. This is a nearly identical secular version of PFP, the main difference being the removal of all Scripture references and Biblical support. It is coauthored by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Buckman. Although my comments on the use of Scripture in PFP will not be applicable to Babywise, my comments on the medical claims of PFP will be.
The Ezzos' purpose in writing the program is commendable. They wish to guide parents in caring for infants in a godly fashion. They encourage parents to make the baby a welcome member of the family and not the center of it. "Democratic parenting," they write, "the idea that reduces parents to an equal status with their children, was never God's intention. "(page 31)1
They speak out against child-centered parenting, a practice that caters
to a child's every whim and teaches them they can get their way with their
parents. I agree, and fully appreciate why the Ezzos felt it necessary
to create this program. Unfortunately, in his attempt to avoid child-centered
parenting, Mr. Ezzo errs in the opposite extreme. PFP is a parent-centered
program that insists adults are more important than children and encourages
parents to selfishly put their own desires ahead of their newborns. In
doing so, they give out what appears to be sound medical advice, but is
unsubstantiated by medical literature. They deliberately disparage other
parenting styles, using the extremes to show how they fail rather than
the norms which show their success. They justify their methods by covering
themselves with Biblical arguments. These are frequently tenuous and occasionally
even twist the Scripture to support their own opinions. It doesn't take long for Mr. Ezzo to misinterpret the Bible. In Chapter 1, "Your Baby Needs a Family," Mr. Ezzo discusses the creation account in Genesis 1 & 2. Mr. Ezzo finds it significant that when God declared that "it was very good" (Genesis 1:31), children were not present. He believes that since children were not present they are not necessary and treats them accordingly. From this one point, he develops four "Principles to Guide Your Family." These are (pages 30-32):
Here, they correctly point out that the first 2 humans created were a husband and a wife. Other relationships, such as parent-child, sibling, etc., came later. The point? The husband-wife relationship is primary in that is was first, but that was covered under the first principle. Mr. Ezzo's point here seems to have more to do with the "dependency" than the "primacy." Mr. Ezzo points out the what God created on one day was dependent on what he created during the previous days. Mr. Ezzo believes this theory of dependency applies equally to relationships, therefore the relationships that came second are dependent on that which came first. I find this Biblical comparison to be a leap of logic. Also, I do not agree that the dependency is necessitated. If a mother is widowed during pregnancy, does the non-existance of the husband-wife relationship mean the relationship between mother and child is non-existant? Of course not, but that is the logical conclusion of such statements of dependency. The parent-child relationship does, in fact, exist outside of the husband-wife relationship. The husband-wife and parent-child relationships greatly affect one another, but to assert that one is dependent upon the other is a logical fallacy. It is also Biblically unsupported. I have a real problem with this. Yes, the husband-wife relationship must be maintained, but nowhere in Scripture do I see any evidence that it is a "priority" relationship, somehow more important than other relationships. This type of reasoning sets up a false dichotomy in society, giving us excuse to designate "adult activities" and ignore children when it is not convenient for us. The prevailing emphasis throughout the Bible is on complete family units. As a matter of fact, the parent-child relationship, more specifically the father-child relationship, is repeatedly used as an analogy for the relationship we have to God. I think the Ezzos make a serious Biblical error in elevating the husband-wife relationship above others. This error drastically taints their entire program with an adult-centered view. Here, Mr. Ezzo correctly asserts that parents have authority over their children, he also correctly defines authority as the God-given right to rule, but this does not come about because the parent-child relationship is subject to the marriage relationship. Parents do not have authority over their children because marriage is a priority relationship, but because God assigned that authority to the parents. This may seem like a minor point, but I believe a correct assessment of where the authority comes from is essential in applying Biblical principle to parenting and keeping our attitudes straight. When we understand that our authority comes from God, we get a sense of the immense responsibility that comes with it, as well as our accountability to God in carrying out our responsibilities. By asserting that parental authority comes from a supposedly primary relationship, Mr. Ezzo misses the context of the authority, centers it on human relationships instead of the origin of that authority, and creates a situation of power for the parents. This is apparent in the overly controlling methods he advocates in his materials.
By far the most distressing misuse of Scripture is Mr. Ezzo's justification for allowing children to "cry it out" (a common parenting practice of the last generation that is now being questioned by the medical community). Throughout PFP, Mr. Ezzo advocates teaching children to sleep, to wait for their next scheduled feeding, or to accept forced separation from the parents by allowing them to cry for what he believes are short periods of time. The short period of time is "5-45 minutes" (page 125), "15-20 or even 30 minutes" (page 133), "5 minutes or off and on as long as 1 hour" (page 134). He includes a footnote comment (endnote 9, page 216) stating that "a normal baby may cry as much as 3 hours total per day, with 5-45 minutes of on again and off again crying." While this is an accurate assessment, it results from studies of infant care methods similar to those outlined in PFP. Dr. Sears, a noted Christian pediatrician, believes this much crying is not necessary for a normal baby.2 Other studies show that prolonged crying raises a baby's heart rate, often to dangerous levels, and blood pressure while decreasing the oxygen content of his blood3 and even crying for a few minutes can cause a baby to become disorganized creating feeding difficulties.4 Again, Mr. Ezzo turns to Scripture to support this medically refuted parenting practice. On page 142, he sites Matthew 27:46 saying, "Praise God that the Father did not intervene when His Son cried out on the cross." He uses the Father's nonintervention at this pivotal moment in history as an example for us to follow in parenting infants! I understand that Mr. Ezzo is taking a stance against parents who jump, often without thinking, at their children's every whim, and certainly we should all strive to mirror God's sacrificial love, but This unique and spectacular event in human history is not normative and to apply it to the crying of infants is just unacceptable!!! At the crucifixion, Jesus took all the sins of the world upon Himself. He literally became sin. God, being perfect and holy cannot look upon sin, therefore He was forced to turn away and not look upon His only Son. Grey Gunn, representing Focus on the Family, writes, "We see no way to make such an application of this verse without completely disregarding its original context and purpose." I agree completely. The crucifixion portrays a Sacrifice, not normal interaction between parent and child. There are numerous other Bible verses illustrating God's response to crying to which Mr. Ezzo could have turned for guidance. Let's consider some:
Here, God hears and responds to the cries of his people
I find this verse particularly interesting. Mr. Ezzo contends that if a baby is hungry (or thirsty) at times other than designated by his routine, the parent must insist the baby wait until the next scheduled feeding. This is apparently to teach the infant to take a full feeding each time (the incorrect assumption that the last feeding was a snack and snacks are wrong) and to guide his hunger patterns into the routine. Offering the breast to quench baby's thirst is wrong, yet God provides water for his people when they cry to Him.
I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me. Psalm 3:4-5
They cried, but there was none to save them: even unto the LORD, but he answered them not. Psalm 18:40-41 Here, God does not answer cries, but whose? David's enemies, not God's own children. I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication. Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. Psalm 30:7-8, 10-12 This Psalm is interesting. David is troubled when God hides his face. His response? To cry out to the Lord. Should we not expect an infant to cry out when his parents hide their faces? And what then should be the response of the parents? God turns David's mourning into dancing. Should we not at least try to do the same for our children, assisting them with whatever it is they're struggling, whether it's falling asleep or separation for their parents? And if it's not possible, be their to support them with our love? Mr. Ezzo advocates non-intervention, allowing a child, an infant to remain alone to work through his troubles Himself. God intervenes!
If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. Psalm 66:17-20 Here, David puts a condition on God's hearing him, whether or not his heart it right. While this is an acceptable condition to place on older children (we do not want to give in to the selfish desires of our children), a newborn is not able to distinguish between needs, reasonable desires, and selfish desires. A parent must take time to train the child's understanding before he can refuse the child's plea for help. Many parents do not recognize how early a child begins to understand this, but Mr. Ezzo incorrectly applies this principle to newborns, turning away their pleas and not displaying the mercy which God shows to David In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. Psalm 77:1-2 David cries to God but is not comforted. Although David feels abandoned by the Lord, He knows that God is there offering comfort. It is David's own lack, the refusal of his own soul, that turns away the comfort. No where in the Psalm does David imply that God chooses cast him out of His presence because of this refusal. Contrast this with Mr. Ezzo, "if the child is not comforted by the baby swing, an infant seat, siblings, or Grandma, consider the crib." (page 150) Infants in the newborn stage do not know someone they cannot see exists, so putting an infant who cannot be comforted into his crib is essentially putting him out of your presence. This is not a godly response to an infant in a particularly fussy time.
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