A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

The Pastor was not at all to eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.

"No, not at all," the woman replies and pushes the bowl closer. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts. I just meant to have a few," he says.

"That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate!"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but answered, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. "Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go mister. Into the boat."

"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."

An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in. the water is still rising."

"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."

Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.

A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance.

"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.

As the chopper departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.

When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened," he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "I sent you 2 boats and a chopper"

A Preacher was invited to have Dinner with a family in his congregation. He accepted and they had a fabulous dinner. It included chicken salad, fried chicken, baked chicken, chicken soup, chicken casserole, chicken and dressing, and chicken pie. He ate so much that he was uncomfortable so he went out on the front porch to relax in the swing.

The Preacher noticed a couple of chickens in the yard and one of them had scraggly feathers that were falling out and the other one kept falling down. They both looked terrible. A young boy from the family came out on the front porch and the Preacher asked him, "Son what's wrong with those chickens?"

The boy said, "We don't know, they keep dying off faster than we can keep them cooked".

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."

There was a church where the pastor and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the Pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader led the song "I shall not be moved."

The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader led the song "Jesus paid it all."

The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I love to tell the story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The song leader led the song "Oh why not tonight."

As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader led the song "What a friend we have in Jesus."

A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward... the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if the Lord gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask the Lord for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

A preacher is teaching a lesson on the evils of alcohol to a fourth grade Sunday School class. To illustrate his point he places two glasses on the lectern where everyone can see, and puts a live worm in each one. He describes what he is doing as he continues.

He next fills one glass with water and the other with alcohol. The latter worm rather quickly dies, while the former continues to wiggle happily. "Now what does this teach us about alcohol?" the preacher asks.

One little freckle face in the front row says, "If you drink whiskey, you won't have worms..??"

A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, "You be Jesus."

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A pastor was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the pastor replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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A pastor invited some people to his home for dinner. At the table, his wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said," Would you like to ask the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the pastor’s wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did he invite all these people to dinner?"

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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A pastor and a soap maker went for a walk together. The soap maker said, "What good is religion? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! It is still there, even after years--thousands of years--of teaching about goodness and truth and peace. It is still there, after all the prayers and sermons and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this be?"

The pastor said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter. Then the pastor said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The soap maker protested. "But, Pastor, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly!" replied the pastor.