By Bonnie Speed 1996
Author's Note
This is a story which I wrote in Grade 12 during a boring spare. Many thanks to Audrey and Emily for their inspiration. Any similarities to actual people is purely intentional. This is a work of fiction and will be offensive to some readers due to graphic description of bodily fluids. Just as a second warning, this story was termed "most digusting" by every known reader.
It was the eve of the CHSS concert band's debut at the International Music Festival in Chicago. They were on their way to preform, all in their uniforms and carrying their instruments. Karen, the star tuba player was having an awful time, but no one cared...she was the butt of all their jokes. "Need a little help Karen...HA! HA!" Lucky for Karen, the baritone player Bill Peck wanted to prove himself a man(which was a long shot) and offered to carry the bulging, black instrument case containing the massive tuba. Unfortunately, Bill's scrawny arms snapped and the entire band laughed until their spleens burst out their belly buttons. Bill fainted in reaction and Chris Knox barfed(as per normal). The Band laughed so hard that the flute section (who was guiding the group) got disoriented and lead the Band into a cave where the intense laughter caused a cave-in. The HORROR! They were trapped and defenseless. Poor Dan Egli had an anxiety attack worrying that the group would have to resort to drinking their own urine in order to survive. Erica Clark tried to cheer everyone up by tooting on her piccolo, but she was cruelly murdered when her instument was shoved down her throat. But Erica was the lucky one... she was spared from what was to come.
Three days later, the band was dehydrated and hungry. Dan Hammill used his problem solving skills and suggested that the remaining members satisfy their thirst by drinking the liquid condensation resting in the winding tubes of every brass instrument. Everyone thought he was a stupid moron for suggesting such a thing (whether that is true or not is debatable). But, Erica was dead and could no debate so everyone ganged up on Dan. Fraser tried to help him but was too small to stop the charging band. It was not until Bonnie blared her trumpet as loud as she could to get their attention did the persuing stop. She agreed with Dan and persuaded everyone to gather the spit. Little did she know that Dan was kidding, but little did Dan know that it actually was a good idea.
The woodwinds sat disgusted as they watched the brass players rummage through their instruments tracking down every last drop of spit. What joy when they pulled out the 3rd valve tube on the French Horn and a monsterous glob of Fraser's smelly spit came pouring out. They slurped and swallowed the sweet, rich liquid and laughed as they watched the wimpy woodwinds squirm. With the smell of spit and chunky green particles in the air, the woodwinds got very hungry.
As a last resort, KJ Shipp gathered all the dried spit chunks from the clarinet swabs and saxophone fuzzy cleaning rods into one big mound. It closely resembled corn flakes, but of course those flakes composed of saxophone saliva and a hint of gum/ skittles/ halls that the woodwind players carelessly eat while playing. Shawn Clark was kind enough (well he was needlessly prompted and teased by Bonnie, but it was funny) to quietly offer his last couple drops of spit to KJ so she could have what now closely resembled a bowl of spit corn flakes absorbing a rich blend of trombone slime and Shawn's saliva.
Because of this crafty survival method, only KJ and the brass players survived. The moral of this story: Think twice before carelessly releasing the spit valve on your instrument...it could save your life.
Second moral: do not join a band and go on a trip without being accustomed to spit chunks and their nature.
THE END