By Bonnie Speed

Likely 1992

Also one of my "landmark" stories, you can tell by the inclusion of a moral. The descriptiveness is suffering, and the variety of style is staggering. Ah well, I have recreated it, only correcting the spelling and punctuation errors.

This excellent story is about an experience I experienced and I am still recovering from shock. The story goes like this:

I was walking down the street and I was attacked by a Giant Mutant Bloodsucker! It was the most gruesome thing I had ever seen. It didn't have a mouth, but it had all those little slits all over its body and this gooey mucus stuff was oozing out of them. It made a groaning sound, but it sounded more like the creature was drowning in its own mucus, or vomit, whatever! Its eyes were like little beads that rotated back and forth across the rather large sockets that were there for the balls of eyes. It looked as if the rest of the eye balls had been in water for too long and they shrunk! The body of the bloodsucker was truly repulsive. Aside from the mucus, the body was a light brown colour, smothered in greenish-yellow coloured mucus. It had no limbs, so it could not reach out to grab me and take me away to the Bloodsucker Hideout. So, he tried to jump on me. And he did, and I got smothered in guck and goosh! Yuck! It was soooooooooooooooooo disgusting! It appeared that this particular Bloodsucker actually had nothing to "blood-suck" with. So I was safe that way! I knew that obviously the BSMP (Bloodsucker Mounted Police) did not know that this Bloodsucker had no "bloodsucker", so I agreed to be taken to Bloodsucker Land. There, I could report this reject of a Bloodsucker. When I reached Bloodsucker Land, I located the BSMP and reported my attacker. They arrested it and I got apologies from everyone! Even the President of Bloodsucker Land sent me a official letter of apology on Blood-Suck Stationary. As a gift from the town of Suckersville, I got a $1,000 gift certificate at Suckers "R" Us! I understand why I got all that attention. I mean, WHO WANTS TO BE KIDNAPPED BY A NONFUNCTIONAL BLOODSUCKER!?! Then I got a free shower to wash off the mucus and guck. And then I got a free ride home and a special card that protected me from ever being kidnapped by, or being blood-sucked by, any Bloodsucker, ever again! So in case of World Wide Bloodsucker attack, I will be perfectly safe!

And the Moral of the story is: Anti-Mutant Bloodsucker Card.

Don't leave home without it.