Written by: Shelley and Bonnie Speed 1992
Batman is brought to you by:
Attends
Bobby
Leggs
The Hair Club for Men
Ultra Slim Fast
Tim Horton's Donuts
Give us a week we'll take off dee weight
Give us another and you'll gain it back!
How many goals did John Hamilton score in 1964? Answer in a moment.
Someone has spotted the UFO that was seen stealing all the black sheep in New Zealand. It is headed for the Speed residence... Hey, that's where I am!!! HELP!!!!
AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW...
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Bruce-Could you please excuse Dick Grayson from class? It's an emergency.
Teacher-Very well. Dick, someone's at the door for you. It's an emergency.
Dick-Mergency! Mergency!
Batman-Quick Robin, to the Batmobile!
Robin- Yes Boss!!!
ROBIN AND BATMAN ARE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET WHEN...
R- Who are we chasing today Batman?
B- Catwoman. She was last seen on the Empire State Building.
R- But Batman, we don't have any ID to get in.
B- No problem Robin. Get the Batrope. We'll climb to the top.
R- Yes Batman.
LATER, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING...
R- Holy King Kong Batman! I didn't know it was this big!
B- Yes Robin. Maybe I shoudn't have taken you out of that History class. Perhaps you'd learn something.
R- Yes I guess you're right Batman. NOT!
B- What was that Robin?
R- Um...ur...nothing. I just...um said hot. It's hot out here Ya that's it!
B- Well it's going to be hotter...up there!
15 MINUTES LATER/HALF WAY UP
R- Holy rope burn Batman! How much further?
B- Don't complain Robin, you should have worn your gloves.
R- I forgot them in the car!
B- Don't cry about Robin, you're a big boy now.
R- Sorry Batman.
B- Robin, the Batrope is becoming considerably less taut. Is this your fault?
R- I don't know Batman. But, it just slipped out of my hands!
Catwoman- RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
R- Holy kitty litter Batman! It's Catwoman!
B- Yes Robin, and she's cut the rope!
R- Do I have permission to fall Batman?
B- Yes Robin.
R- Holy law of gravity!!......
WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN SURVIVE? AND NOW, A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Hi! My name is Bobby. And... and I lost my puppydog. His name is Sparky. Could...Could everybody please call his name out your window so he comes home?
Well plant a new crop with hair seeds. Available at the Hair Club for Men.
And now...BACK TO OUR SHOW!!
SPLAT!
R- Holy big crack in the cement Batman!
B- Yes Robin. Good thing those girl scouts were here to break our fall!
R- Yes Batman, but I'm afraid the girl scouts are now smooshed on the ground. Quite artistic. Look at the position the one on the end is in...yeesh.
B- Never mind them. Now, back to Catwoman!
R- Look Batman! There goes Catwoman in her Cat Coupe.
LATER, ON THE FREEWAY.
R- Look out Batman! A red light!
B- Yes, I knew that.
BATMAN STOPS THE BATMOBILE AT THE INTERSECTION.
B- Robin. Look slowly to your right. DDDOOOONNNNNNNUUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!!!! TTTTTIIIIIIMMMMMMM HHHHHHOOOORRRTTTOOONNSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Robin! Get me some donuts!
R- One of your sugar rushes again Batman?
B- Yes Robin.
R- It's a good thing you had your seatbelt on, you would have been out the door and long gone.
B- Just get me 12 dozen you little...BEEP!
R- Holy foul language Batman!
B- HURRY!
ROBIN RETURNS WITH THE DONUTS
R- Have you cut down on donuts Batman? Last time you wanted 24 dozen.
B- Yes Robin. I'm working on my gut.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSER
Tim Hortons service with a smile.
Tim Hortons everything you want in a donut store!
The answer to the question is: John Hamilton scored 1 goal in 1964 because he got his legs knocked off scoring it.
People everywhere are puzzled by this question: Crispers...Chips or Crackers? Answer next break.
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW
WHILE BATMAN IS EATING DONUTS...
B- Robin, hand me that last donut.
R- Well I don't know... you've eaten all the other ones. Why can't I have it?
B- Let's make a deal Robin. Next time we buy donuts, you can have all the donut holes, if, you give me that donut.
R- Sure Batman. But remember, you promised.
B- Yes Robin. Now, GIVE IT TO ME!
R- Here you go Batman.
B- Thankyou Robin.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, BATMAN HAS A SUDDEN BURST OF ENERGY AND HE PUTS THE PEDAL TO THE METAL. SOON HE HAS PASSED CATWOMAN AND IS STILL GOING FAST. THEN, HE APPROACHES A RED LIGHT AND BATMAN SLAMS ON THE BRAKES.
R- Holy anti-lock brakes Batman! But there's one problem...
B- Yes Robin, go on,
R- We passed Catwoman a while back.
B- Don't worry Robin, she probably saw us passing and her cats in the back seat said "The Batmobile! Follow it Mom!"
R- So...Catwoman is expecting us to drive up to McDonald's just like in the commerical.
B- Right Robin. But instead of going through the drive-through, we'll wait for her in the parking lot and apprehend her when she drives up.
R- Right Batman. Let's wait for her to catch up.
LATER ON A MCDONALD'S
R- Look Batman! She fell for it. She's turning into the parking lot.
B- Quick Robin, out of the Batmobile.
R- Holy run in your tights Batman! Look at your nylons!
B- Does it show that much Robin?
R- Yes Batman.
B- Quick Robin, to the Batmobile. We must go to the department store!
R- But Batman, what about Catwoman?
B- Forget her for now. This is more important I've...got...a...RUN in my tights!
R- Very true Batman. And if we get there soon, they might have your colour!
AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE
B- Robin! They don't have my colour!!
A DILEMMA FOR THE BATMEISTER!
AND NOW... A WORD FROM OUR SPONSER.
DO YOU HAVE RUNS IN YOUR NYLONS?
If you do, the best and cheapest nylons are Leggs. So if your nylons have a run, buy Leggs...much better than eggs. And now for our famous motto:
I am now standing outside the Speed residence because that UFO that was spotted came and blew it up. And about that question, "Are Crispers Chips or Crackers?". The correct answer is: Who cares as long as they taste good!
Hi! My name is Bobby. I found my puppy dog. I had to look at about 10 000 dogs but,...I found him. Thankyou.
BACK TO BATMAN...
R-Are you sure they don't have your colour Batman?
B-Positive Robin.
R-Well Batman, maybe we should just get the Batnailpolish.
B-But, Robin, last time we used the Batnailpolish, it blew up my nylons!
R-Right Batman. Maybe you should try a different colour. This blue perhaps.
B-Quite right Robin. Let's pay.
R-Okay Batman!
Cashier-I bet this colour will look GREAT on you Batman. I'm sorry we didn't have any of your colour in stock. You bought them all yesterday. You know, when Joker kept putting runs in your nylons. Say, Batman, have you lost weight?
B-You're talking about my gut aren't you. I'm working on it!
C-Sorry Batman, that will be 80 cents.
B-Quick Robin, to the Batmobile!
R-...Yes Batman.
B-Are you alright Robin?
R-Yes Batman.
B-You seem to be a little late on your "Yes Batman"s.
R-Sorry Batman.
B-That's okay Robin.
BATMAN AND ROBIN PASS A MAN ON THE STREET:
B- You're looking at my gut aren't you? I'm working on it!
Man- Oh...sorry Batman.
B- That's alright, keep walking citizen.
Man- Sure Batman.
B- Quick Robin, to the Batmobile! I must change into my NEEEEWWWWWWW, tights!
AT THE BATMOBILE...BATMAN IS CHANGING...
B-Don't look Robin.
R- You have SUCH a disgusting mind Batman!
B- Me? You're the one who thought of it!...Quick Robin! I'm done, get in.
R- Gee Batman, that colour looks GREAT on you.
B- Do you really think so? Now Robin, we better get back to catching Catwoman.
JUST AT THAT MOMENT, CATWOMAN SPEEDS BY IN HER CAT COUPE!
Catwoman- Meow! You'll never catch me Batman!
THEN BATMAN SPEEDS AFTER CATWOMAN AND SOON THEY ARE DRIVING SIDE BY SIDE...
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSER...
Get it. A word!...Attends! Ha! Ha! You don't get it do you. Okay. A word, one word from our sponser. And all they said was one word. ATTENDS! ha ha ha ha!
AND NOW A COMMERICAL FROM OUR SPONSER...
GIVE US A WEEK WE'LL TAKE OFF DEE WEIGHT!
GIVE US ANOTHER AND YOU'LL GAIN IT BACK!
Cars have been banned in Canada. That means you can't drive cars anymore. You have to use horses(or wild boars). Unless you are Batman. THANK YOU
AND NOW BACK TO BATMAN
Catwoman- You'll never catch me Batman! Meow!
B- Yes I will Catwoman!
C- No you won't!
B- Yes I will!
C- No you won't!
B- Yes I will!
C- Yes you won't!
B- No I will!
C- Yes you will!
B- No I... Hey! What am I saying?
R- Batman. Shouldn't we blast her with the Bat Gasgun?
B- Yes Robin. Get it out of the back seat.
C- You'll never catch me Batman, you're gut's too big!
B+R- HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
R- Are you going to take that Batman?
B- NO ROBIN!!! Put the gasgun on MEGA stun!
R- Yes Batman!
SSSSSPPPPPPRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
C- AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
B- Quick Robin! Get the Batrope. We'll TOW her to the Batcave!
LATER...AT THE BATCAVE...
R- Batman, do you really think we should leave Catwoman alone while we search through her Cat Coupe?
B- No, Robin, but could you be a lamb and remove these cats from my arm?
R- Holy pincushion Batman! Those cats are eating you alive!
B- Exactly Robin. That is why I wish you to remove them.
R- Right Batman. Whatever you say Batman. I am your slave Batman...
B- Don't exagerate Robin.
R- I'm sorry Batman. Whatever you...
B- That's enough Robin. Just remove these vicious creatures.
R- Okay Batman.
Cats- RRRRRR!!!!!!! RRRRrrrrrrrrr!! rrrrRRRRRRR!!!!!! RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
B- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! That's better!
R- Look what I found Batman!
B- Good Robin. It's the lightning rod from the Empire State Building.
R- I knew that!
B- Don't take that tone of voice with me young man.
R- Sorry Batman. Whatever you say Batman, I am your...
B- Now don't start that again! Now let's go ask Catwoman what she needs this for.
R- Holy disappearing act Batman! She's gone!
Someone has stolen the crown off the Statue of Liberty. Of course this isn't Canadian news, but OH WELL! They were last seen walking around with the crown on their head. They are described as having quite a LARGE head. THANK YOU.
BATMAN!
R- Look Batman! There's a can of cat food on the floor!
B- I knew that you... you sidekick! Gimme that!
R- Don't take a swivet over it!
B- The label on the can says Crazy Cat Chow Company! That must be where Catwoman's hideout it.
R- Yes Batman... To the Batmobile!
B- No Robin. To the Batplane. It's faster. Besides, "To the Batmobile" is my line!
R- Be careful Batman! Remember tht last time you were in the Batplane?
B- Oh yes Robin. I got the most awwwful run in my tights I've ever had!
2 SECONDS LATER...AT THE CRAZY CAT CHOW COMPANY(THE BATPLANE IS VERY FAST!)
R- Holy Batfuel Batman! This new and improved Batplane is faster. Good thing you called that cheap plane dude to repair the engine the Penguin blew up! That was sooooooooooooooooooooo funny! Ha! Ha! Hoo! Hu! Ha!
B- Robin, it wasn't THAT funny, SHUT UP!
R- Batman! How will we enter the Crazy Cat Chow Company Building?
B- Robin, how could you be so stupid? We will use te Batjackhammer!
R- Great idea! But can I please use it? I've never used a large power tool before!
B- Yes Robin. As long as you promise to be careful!
AS THE SKYLIGHT SHATTERS, ROBIN AND BATMAN FALL TO THE GROUND HELPLESS.
B- Excuse me Mr. Narrator, I believe that should be BATMAN and Robin.
WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN SURVIVE? BUT OF COURSE! THEY ALWAYS DO! WHOOPS! I GAVE IT AWAY.
NOW, WASN'T THAT FUN-BACK TO THE SHOW
BATMAN AND ROBIN AWAKEN TO FIND THAT THEY ARE TIED TO THE LIGHTNING ROD
R- Batman! I'd recognize this lightning rod anywhere. It's from the Empire State Building. Batman, I have a question. Why is the Empire State Building in Gotham City?
B- Don't confuse me with such a simple question.
C- Prepare to die Batman!
B- You'll never take me alive feline!
C- I know Batman you flying mouse! That's why I'm taking you dead! Ha!
R- Batman. I've never been this close to death before! I'm scared!!!
B- Not now Robin. I'm arguing with that lumbering litter box!
C- Nice insult radar lips! Excuse me, but I must be going. I'll be back when you're dead.
R- Holy dead sea scrolls Batman! I don't think this lightning rod will miss one bolt of lightning!
KNOCK KNOCK
R- Um! Batman, I think there's someone at the door!
B- Door to the roof? Don't be silly Robin. All this talk about death must be getting to you!
R- Oh great! What a time for a RUN!
B- Ha! You have a run and I don't HAAAAAAAAA!
KNOCK KNOCK
R- Um, come in I guess.
Man at the door- Excuse me gentlemen, do you have any Grey Poupon?
B- Robin, I have an idea. Excuse us sir, I must speak to my sidekick.
R- What is it Batman?
B- Well Robin, I just had the BEST brainstorm! I have some Grey Poupon in my utility belt. If we bribe this unsuspecting man to let us go free, then we will give the man the mustard.
R- Holy Einstien-like brainstorm Batman! That's great!
B- Hey oh unsuspecting man at the roof door...let's make a deal...
Man- Who me?
B- Yes you. Come here.
BATMAN WHISPERS TO THE MAN
Man- You got a deal!
AS THE MAN UNTIES THE DYNAMIC DUO...
Man- Why are you dressed up like a bat?
B- I'm Batman you buffon!
R- That means clown or fool if you don't know.
M- I'm sorry, are you a rock singer or something? I'm not familiar with the name Batman.
B- You know...Batman! The hero of Gotham City. I will not rest until crime is...
R- Batman we're free!
B- Not now Robin, I'm in the middle of my speech. Here's your mustard find citizen.
M- I'm not a citizen of this city, sorry. All I wanted was some mustard! Geezz!
C- Where do you think you're going mosquitoe muncher?
B- I'm escaping Catwoman! Ha!
BATMAN SHOOTS HIS BATROPE INTO A NEIGHBOURING BUILDING AND ESCAPES
B- I forgot Robin!
AND NOW: THE NEWS
The town of Hanesville and it neighbour Fruitsville are having a dispute. Here is an exclusive recording that was smuggled over the border and placed in the hands of the S.P.E.E.D. news team.
"Just wait 'til we get over Hanes on you! You wearers of Fruit of the Loom!"
"Never! Wear Fruit of the Loom, cause it fits!"
THANK YOU
BACK TO BATMAN!
B- I must go back and fetch Robin!
WHEN BATMAN RETURNS TO FETCH ROBIN, HE FINDS THAT ROBIN HAS CATWOMAN TIED UP!
R- I done good Batman?
B- Yes. But I believe the hero catches the criminal.
R- Well I guess I'm the hero in this story. The guy with the run in his tights always wins.
B- Good work Robin. Let's get some donuts.
R- I get the Donut holes, you promised!
THE END
Wait! Hi, my name is Bobby, thank you for finding my doggie! Now, could you find my cat? His name is Muffin...
