Created by: Gene Roddenberry

Episode Written by: Shelley and Bonnie Speed
Starring: If you’re reading this, you probably know a lot about Star Trek, so you most likely know who plays who.

"The Quackers"

Scene 1: Space, the Enterprise is travelling aimlessly in space.

Captain: Stardate 1234, 5678.9. We have entered an unknown galaxy that we have called galaxy 51. We have not yet encountered any life-sustaining planets. However, we have heard rather amusing legends from neighbouring galaxies that there is a certain species that they would only identify as "Quackers".

Scene 2: Inside the Enterprise, the bridge.

Worf: Captain, our sensors have picked up a Romulan Warbird. At this speed, we will intercept in 20 minutes.
Riker: Yellow Alert!
Worf: They are increasing to Warp 6; we will now intercept in 10 minutes.
Picard: Why are they so far into frontier space?

Scene 3: Space-the Enterprise is flying around back and forth. (Credits along the bottom of the screen). We hear the Captain’s voice.

Picard: SPACE! The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its never-ending mission, to explore very strange new worlds- to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before!

The Enterprise flies up to a planet, and we hear this voice:
Riker: Poo Poo! We’ve been here before!

Scene 4: Inside the Enterprise

Worf: Captain, I belive we are being hailed.
Picard: Open frequency.

The crew is hailed. (Ping Pong balls are thrown at them).

Picard: Mr. Worf, damage report.
Worf: Deck 32 and my right arm sir.

An appearance of a humanoid upside down comes up on the screen.

Alien1: What? (talking to someone behind) Oh yah? We’re upside down again! How silly of me. Hee! Hee!

Appearance turns over.

Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. May we assist you in any way?
Alien1: Well, I am...I forget...Hey you! What’s my name? Hey you! What’s your name?
Alien2: I don’t know. We know that song. Let’s sing the song.
Alien1: Okay, we have a message for you Jeen-Look.

Aliens stand up and form a line.

Aliens:
We’re gonna blow you to bits!
We’re gonna turn you to particles!
We’ve got a Ferengie ship!
And we’re gonna blow you up!
Ding!

The crew is stunned and Captain Picard is speechless.

Picard: Well, you guys don’t even have a Ferengie shop. You have a Romulan War Bird!
Alien1: Oh yah! Oops! But it makes the song sound better... You must surrender now or face utter destruction. We will be forced to blow you up. Like this...

The aliens blow up a shuttle craft.

Data: Captain, I believe they have just blown up their own shuttle craft.
Riker: That’s so stupid. Why would they do something like that. They must be up to something.

Picard: Agreed.
Alien1: We’ll give you five...no ten..no 30...no 20 hours to make up your mind. We better see those little white underwears flying up.
Alien2: Whisper, whisper!
Alien1: Oh! White flag! We want to see a white flag.

They sign off.

Picard: Counsellor Troy, what do you make of them?
Troy: I feel nothing but utter stupidity from them Captain.

Data: I do not comprehend how they could forget their own names Captain.
Picard: No one does Data, no one does.

Captain hits his communicator.

Picard: All senior officers to my ready room.

Scene 5: In the Captain’s ready room. The senior officers are having a conversation.

Geordi: I’ve scanned the alien ship. Apparently, they have changed all the Romulan food processors inot mini fast-food restaurants.
Crusher: Fast-food restaurants?
Geordi: Oh, that was a fad from the 20 and 21st century Earth. After a while the food was prepared so fast that certain biocarbonates were injected to make it look delicious. This resulted in the people becoming like idiots because the bicarbonates fried their brains.
Riker: Oh yes! But very few became total idiots because the majority of the people didn’t eat at fast food places all the time.
Crusher: Long-term exposure could destroy a person’s mind, but this food might not affect aliens. I’ll have to scan them.

The lights begin to flash and the officers file out onto the bridge.

The Captain hits his communicator.

Picard: Engineering, what’s going on?
Ensign: Environmental Controls have been cut off!
Riker: Hail the alien ship!

Hail enters the alien ship, but the Aliens have umbrellas.

Alien3: Can’t fool us. Ha Ha!

Scene 6: The two ships are communicating back and forth.

Picard: Why did you cut off Environmental Controls?
Alien3: Environmental Controls? I thought we were cutting phone lines or cables or something.
Picard: This is a hostile act! Mr. Worf, fire at will!

Work fires a phaser at Riker.

Riker: Ahhhhhhh! (gets shot)
Troy: Will!

Dr. Crusher examines Will.

Crusher: We’ll be alright. It’s only a flesh wound. He’s fallen and he can’t get up.
Data: I believe that silliness is catching sir.
Worf: I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me...They’re hailing us again sir.
Picard: Oh No!
Data: No, they are attempting to communicate sir.
Picard: Oh! On screen.
Alien3: Did ya ever think-(turn off)-(comes back)-Oops I pushed the wrong button. Did ya ever think that I could push this button here and magnify ya, up your nose? I could draw a picture and send it all over the ship.-(turns off)

Crew on bridge is stunned.

Alien2: (comes back)-Oops. Did ya ever think that?
Picard: If I had hair, I would be pulling it out in frustration. So, I will pull yours Data!.. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Scene 7: The Alien Ship

Alien3: Zoom in, Zoom out, Zoom in, Zoom out, Zoom in... Oh yah! Let’s call those guys, you know, those guys?
Alien2: Oh yah! The ones with the little bleeper communicators. I love those things! Let’s ask for some.
Alien3: Hail them, I like that expression!

Ping Pong balls.

Scene 8: The two ships are communicating back and forth.

Picard: Oh NO! Not again!

Dr. Crusher patches up Picards’s head.

Worf runs up to the screen and pulls a phaser.

Worf: I am not amused.
Alien3: Yes you are! Yes you are, you’re laughing inside I know it! I can feel the laughter vibes. Oh! Stay still! (Zooms in) Wow! You have nose hairs like tree trunks!

Worf walks away, disgusted.

Ensign: We are detecting another Romulan Warbird.
Troy: Oh NO! NOT MORE! NOT MORE!
Romulan: I am Crackus, sub-commander of the Romulan fleet. We came to express our apologies. We are SO sorry for giving them a ship. We just couldn’t stand it anymore!
Picard: This is an act of war! I’ll personally...

The Alien ship interrupts the conversation.

Alien2: Did ya ever think that this button could send out two laser beams (swoosh) and destroy two ships at the same time? Did ya ever think that?

Romulans cloak and take off at Warp 11.

Worf: The Romulans are gone.
Riker: Now we’re on our own.

Geordi contacts the bridge.

Geordi: Yep. Them gone sir.

Alien3: You know what? I feel like dancing and singing and all happy, happy, joyous, joyous, things like that!
Alien2: HAPPY, HAPPY, JOYOUS, JOYOUS!

All the Aliens rise, form a line and sing their song.

Aliens:
We’re gonna blow you to bits...
We’re gonna turn you to particles.
We’ve got a Green-coloured Warbird,
And we’re...

Worf interrupts.

Worf: Quiet! Shut your mouths!
Crusher: Can I examine your physical status Aliens?
Alien3: I don’t know. Can you?
Data: I am sure Dr. Crusher is able to preform any medical task. She is highly specialized...
Alien3: Do ya have one of those ear thermometers? Those are cool.
Crusher: I’m sure I could dig one out of the medical museum on board.
Alien3: Good, I’ll beam you over.

Scene 9: Alien Ship.

Dr. Crusher is beamed over and is missing her arms.

Alien1: Aww! Henderson, have you been pushing buttons again?
Henderson: Yes. I’m sorry I pushed those buttons.
Alien1: What buttons?
Henderson: Those pretty blue buttons, they’re good buttons.
Alien1: Well, they’re obviously not good enough, push some NEW buttons.
Henderson: Fine!

Dr. Crusher’s arms are put back on. After the examination, Dr. Crusher trys to communicate with the Enterprise.

Scene 10: The two ships are communicating back and forth.

Crusher: It appears fast food has nothing to do with the Aliens’ behaviour.
Alien2: Did you think our food was making us crazy? Well you were wrong! Captain Jean-Look Pickyournose...wrong, ha! I don’t believe it! Tee hee!

Aliens belly laugh and roll on the floor.
Crew giggles.
Captain Picard’s face gets red.

Picard: Shut up! I can’t stand it anymore! These people are driving me nuts! (Bangs his head) I don’t care! Take the ship! Take our cargo! Take that planet over there! Just go away!
Alien2: But...we don’t want any of those things... What do we want anyway?... Oh yah!-(turns off)-(comes on) Excuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to have any "SPAM" would you?
Hender: Whisper, whisper!
Alien2: Oh yah! And some of those little bleeper things too.
Hender: Those things are so cool! I love them!
Picard: Data. What is ... SPAM?
Data: I believe it was a process food used throughout the entire 20th century. It comprised to canned ham essentially. Other ingredients are...
Picard: That’s quite enough Data, Alien, we are going to need some time to locate the... SPAM.
Alien2: Okay, but hurry up, my sandwich is getting moldly and if you don’t produce, we’ll have to blow you to bits! You know our song...

Aliens start singing and dancing.

Picard: Turn off that revolting racket!

Picard retreats to his ready room.

Scene 11: The Captain’s ready room.

Captain Picard hits his communicator.

Picard: Wesley Crusher please report to my Ready Room-NOW!

Immediately Wesley appears in the Ready Room.

Wesley: Yes Captain Picard?
Picard: After you finish dusting my Shakespeare Collection, would you be a lamb and develop a formula for SPAM?
Wesley: SPAM sir?
Picard: Just look it up, and HURRY!
Wesley: Yes Captain.

30 seconds later.

Wesley: Here you go Captain! I even had extra time to develop the can, to keep it fresh! What are you going to use it for?
Picard: You foolish child! This SPAM is going to save the lives of everyone on this ship!
Wesley: Oh, sorry sir.
Picard: I am forever grateful Wes, I’ll even have you appointed almost acting cadet.
Wesley: Oh thank you sir!

Scene 13: The two ships are communicating back and forth.

Captain Picard transports the SPAM and the "bleepers" to the Aliens.

Alien1: Oh thank you for the stuff! But I have just one question. What happens when these "bleepers" run out of batteries?
Riker: Sorry, batteries not included.

Crew laughs, Aliens scream.

Camera zooms in on Worf.

Worf: I am not amused.

The Aliens depart.

Troy: Well, that was an interesting experience.
Picard: Yes counsellor, but we have learned that being totally stupid and annoying gets you anything you want. That’s an important lesson to remember in the future.
Wesley: Did ya ever think that...
Picard: Okay Wesley you can be an Ensign or a Lieutenant if you want! Here! (takes off ranking dots) you can have my job!

Crew jumps on Wesley.

Aliens file in.

Alien2: That’s the wrong song. We have a better one.
Aliens:
We didn’t blow them to bits...
We didn’t turn them to particles.
We’ve got a whole can of SPAM.
The Enterprise crew is insane.
BLEEP!

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