Created by: Jeri Taylor, Michael Piller
Episode Written by: Shelley and Bonnie Speed 1995
Starring: The Voyager Crew, and the extremely brilliant, extremely talented Quackers
Let’s begin now.
Scene 1: The Voyager is travelling aimlessly in space. We hear the Captain’s voice.
Janeway: Captain’s Log Stardate 456789.10. We are still wandering aimlessly through
the Delta Quadrant in search of a way to get home. Our betrayal of Seska to the Kazon
has made us more worried about the growing technology in the quadrant. Chakotay has
been in his quarters talking to his animal guide for a week now. Everything else is
normal- considering the situation. Why do I bother? No one is ever going to hear this
anyway... I mean, what are the chances of us getting home anyway? None! Nilch! Zero!
Rien! There is no absolute way that we are ever...
We interrupt (this appears to be a trend) to bring you the following messages:
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
Thank you.
Now back to Voyager.
"The Yolk’s On Q"
Scene 3: Inside Voyager; the bridge
Paris: Captain, there appears to be a tachion anomaly off the port bow.
Janeway: What exactly does that mean Paris?
Paris: I don’t know. I was hoping you’d understand what I was talking about and
promote me for being so smart.
Harry: Oh you’re still trying to be transferred to galactic photography with the Deliany
sisters.
Paris: Shut up.
Harry: You shut up.
Paris: You!
Harry: Make me!
Paris: I don’t make monkeys, I train’em!
Harry: That’s so immature.
Paris: I know you are but what am I?
Janeway: OK, you two quit it. Tuvok, I want to see you in my ready room.
Tuvok: Yes Captain.
Harry: OoooOoooOoo.
Paris: Captain and Tuvok sitting in a tree...
Janeway: Mr. Paris, you have the bridge.
Paris: For keeps?
Janeway rolls her eyes and enters the Ready Room
Harry: Hey Tom, I’ll play you a game of pogs for the Bridge... for keeps.
Paris: No! It’s mine!
Scene 4: Captain Janeway’s Ready Room. (What is she ready for?)
Janeway: Tuvok, I’m really concerned about what’s going on around here. Chakotay has
been sulking in his quarters ever since Seska left and now Harry and Tom are at each
other like five year olds; something strange is going on.
Tuvok: I agree Captain, but I have no logical conclusions at this time. I will observe
more crew activity and have a report in 24 hours.
Janeway: Thank you Tuvok.
Scene 5: Captain Janeway and Tuvok return to the bridge.
Paris: Captain, Harry’s trying to take the isolinear chips out of the comm panel! (sticks
tongue out at Harry)
Harry: I am not!
Paris: Are too!
Harry: Am not!
Paris: Are not!
Harry: Am too! Hey! You tricked me!
Paris: So, want to make something of it?
Harry: Just because you know I can beat you in pogs, marbles, basketball, hopscotch...
Paris: Hopscotch?
Harry: You don’t play hopscotch?
Paris: That’s a girl’s game!
Harry: My point exactly.
Paris: Why you...Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Janeway: All right you two, go to your quarters.
Paris and Kim head for the turbolift shoving each other.
Janeway: Engineering, can you spare some people to take over on the bridge?
Tores: Myself and a handful of no-named losers will be up in a second.
Scene 6: Turbolift: Tom and Harry are having a thumb war.
T and H: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
They fight. Harry wins.
Paris: Hey you cheated!
Harry: I did not!
Paris: I hate you! You never play fair. I wish you were gone!
Harry disappears.
Paris: Harry? Haaaaarry! I made Harry disappear! I made Harry disappear!
Scene 7: On the Bridge; Paris returns.
Paris: Captain, Harry’s gone! He just poofed away!
Janeway: Computer, locate Ensign Kim.
Computer: Nsigneay Imkay siay otnay noay oardbay.
Captain: What was that?
Paris: Pig Latin, it was an old hobby of mine. Take off the first letter of a word, stick it at
the end and add "ay".
Tores: Captain, look!
A ship decloaks off the port bow.
Paris: What kind of ship is that?
Tuvok: It looks like a cross between a Ferengi ship, a Romulan Warbird and a Federation
Starship!
Janeway: How could it get out here?
Tores: Captain, we’re being haled.
Ping Pong balls (sorry, old joke)
Quackers appear on screen.
Quacker1: Oh hello! What a pleasant surprise...I though we ditched you guys.
Quacker2: Who’s the babe?
Janeway: I am Captain Katherine Janeway of the U.S.S. Voyager.
Quacker1: Nice to meet you Captain. Do all your starship leaders have the same first
name? At least you could have picked a better one. Captain is such a goofy name.
Quacker2: Goofy is not the word for it.
Janeway: So...
Quacker1: So...
Quacker2: How do you like your coffee?
Quacker3: Crisp.
Quacker2: You like your coffee crisp?
Quacker3: I like my coffee crisp.
Quackers: Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Janeway: If I may interrupt whatever it is you are doing...
Quacker1: Certainly.
Janeway: I’d like to know what kind of ship that is you are travelling in.
Quacker2: Oh this old thing...it’s just a little something I threw together. Do you like it?
Tores: It’s interesting.
Quacker2: Well who peed in your Gagh! this morning?
Tores glares.
Quacker3: Ugly little thing isn’t she?
Tores: Grrrrrr. You little...
Quacker3: Oooooooo I’m really scared. You know I think this on is uglier than the one
from the other ship.
Quacker1: The Klingon? Nah, she’s only HALF as ugly.
Paris snorts.
Janeway: Excuse me. (slaps Paris on the head) I...
Quacker2: What was your name again?
Janeway: Captain Katherine Janeway.
Henderson: Haneway?
Quackers: It’s Hanes her way, well you might as well forget it! Jut wait till we get our
HANES on you-ou-ou-ou.
Janeway: It’s Janeway!...Captain Janeway.
Quacker3: I’m Bond...James Bond. And I don’t think we’ve given you our special
surprise yet.
Janeway: (to crew) I can’t wait.
Quacker1: Come on everybody, join in if you can!
Quackers stand up and sing.
Quackers: Ooouuur starship has a first name it’s O-S-C-A-R! Our starship has a second
name it’s M-A-Y-E-R. Cause Oscar Mayer is you seeeeeeee! It’s the only one for
meeeeeeee. And we’ve got a lovely bunch of bleeper things! Dil-dee-dee-dee. Here they
are a standing in a rowwwwww. Big ones small ones some as big as your head! Which
wouldn’t be very big because...You’re full of B-A-L-0-G-N-A!
Henderson: They’re like starships only smaller...you can...pour milk on them...cause
they’re crunchy...you can... pour them out of the box... and really yummy....BLEEPER
THINGS!!
Quacker1: Augh, Henderson1 You didn’t EAT the bleeper things did you?
Henderson: Eat it? Well of course I did...you mean it’s not some kind of really cool new
cereal?
Quacker2: Nope.
Henderson: Oops.
Janeway: We are trying to locate a member of our crew, perhaps you could help us.
Quacker3: Nope, nope, we haven’t seen any tall Oriental Terrians around.
Quacker1: Shut up! Um, well we may have picked him up. What’s it to you?
Janeway: Well, we’d like him back.
Quacker1: Well we’d like him to stay.
Tuvok: Why is that?
Quacker2: He’s cute and cuddly and loveable.
Quacker3: Besides, we can’t send him back.
Janeway: Why not?
Quacker3: Our transporter’s on strike.
Tores: What?
Quacker1: Well, blender head, for you information... Hey! What am I telling you for? It’s
none of your business!
Quackers sign off and cloak.
Scene 8: The bridge on Voyager.
Janeway: Ms. Tores, we have to find that ship and find out what’s going on.
Tuvok: Captain, I have been receiving reports from all over the ship. The engineering
sector is playing dominoes with the isolinear chips and jump rope with the warp cables
and Lieutenant Smith has locked Ensign Jones in the bathroom with a tacheon field and
won’t let him out.
Janeway: What’s going on? I'm sure those crazy aliens have something to do with it. We have to find that ship!
Paris: Captain, I’ve found some trails of warp resonance in the nebula.
Janeway: Still trying to impress me with your vocabulary Paris?
Paris: No ma’am, I really mean it this time - follow the yellow brick road!
Tores: Should we get Commander Chakotay out of his quarters?
Janeway: It wouldn’t do any good. He’s engrossed with his animal guide.
Paris: Say that to the wrong person and you’ll get funny looks.
Neelix comes on the bridge.
Neelix: Captain! I heard the Quackers are out there!
Janeway: You know about them?
Neelix: Of course, all living beings have a common bond- the Quackers. They annoy
everybody.
Tuvok: The Quackers - Captain, the Enterprise recently had a problem with these...
Quackers.
Paris: Captain.. it’s the Kazon, they’re approaching.
Kazon Captain appears on screen dishevelled and in shock.
Kazon: I... can’t... stand..., it... can’t... help...me.
Kazon ship blows up.
Tuvok: Captain, it appears even the actual ship went insane.
Computer: Alfunctionmay niay hetay omputercay elphay emay...
Janeway: All right! Everyone affected by this...insanity quarantined now! Paris, to your
quarters.
Paris: (whines) Why? I haven’t done anything!
Janeway: Computer how many active officers do we have?
Computer: Aptaincay Anewayjay, Uvoktay, Akotaychay, Orestay.
Janeway: Only four NOT affected?
Tores: Captain, the ship has decloaked again.
Quackers appear on screen.
Quacker1: Hey cut that out! ( talking to someone behind, most likely Henderson) Your
little guy is boring us to death. We need some more entertainment.
Sign off
Janeway: I think that was an invitation. Tuvok, get Lieutenant Paris out of his quarters.
He may be the perfect translator for this away team. Neelix, you have the bridge.
Neelix: For keeps?
Janeway: I’ve heard that once today already. It’s getting old. Tuvok, B’Lanna, we’re
transporting over there. Paris, are you ready?
Paris: I’m just replicating roasting sticks, marshmallows and chocolate--Hershey’s of
course--for "smore entertainment".
Scene 9: On the Quacker Ship.
Henderson: Welcome to our humble home.
Quacker1: Did you bring some batteries?
Janeway: Batteries?
Quacker1: For the bleeper things- They’re all bleeped out.
Henderson: Not mine!
Henderson show Janeway how his bleeper bleeps by pushing his stomach.
Quacker3: Hey it even works after you’ve swallowed it - cool!
Quacker1: Oh yeah, and don’t give us anymore SPAM, it gave me the runs.
Quacker2: We were swimming in it for weeks!
Quackers: Eewwwwwww! It was soooooo groooooosssss!
Paris: Are you guys ever going to stop talking?
Quacker1: Hey, look who came to visit us... The Unworthy One!
Janeway: The Unworthy One?
Quacker3: That guy with the big forehead. We sent funny gas over to your ship to see
who was the funniest member of the crew. We need a new technical guy- Henderson’s a
goof.
Quacker1: You goof! (slaps Henderson on the back of the head)
Janeway: Is that why you took Harry?
Quacker3: Oh Harry? Is that his name? We thought it was Ensign... Anyway, he’s
hilarious!
Henderson: And funny too!
All Quackers throw things at Henderson
Quackers: Augh! Henderson!
Janeway: Where is he?
Quacker2: We have to play a game first. I spy with my little eye, something that is tall,
Oriental and hairy!
Tores: Stop with the games, where is he?
Quacker3: You’re very very cold.
Janeway: Oh! This is ridiculous! Paris, play this game with them, we’ll look for Harry.
Paris: Why me? It’s not fair, Harry always gets captured by alien species and has all the
fun. What’s he got that I don’t?
Quacker1: A strong thumb?
Paris: I guess... anyway... Is he over here? (pointing at the control panel and not very
enthused)
Quacker2: Freezing cold.
Paris: How about the turbolift?
Quacker3: Getting warmer...
Most of the Quackers and Paris file into the Turbolift and leave
Janeway: OK, we have to find out about this transporter: Tuvok, Tores, come with me.
Scene 10: The sickbay on Voyager
Doctor: Hello? Anybody? Computer, where is Captain Janeway?
Computer: Aptaincay Anewayjay siay otnay noay oardbay hetay ipshay.
Doctor: What about Commander Chakotay?
Computer: Ommandercay siay ulkingsay ikelay ay ittlelay abybay niay ishay artersquay.
Doctor: Who’s in charge?
Computer: Eelixnay.
Scene 11: The Bridge on Voyager
Neelix: I wonder what this button does?
Girls: Ahhhhhh!
Neelix: Whoops, sorry girls. Okay, crew, whatever you do, don’t touch that button.
Some crazy, no-name Ensign: Which button?
Neelix: That one.
Ensign: This one?
Girls: Ahhhhhhhh!
Ensign: Hey that was pretty cool.
Neelix: I know, isn’t it?
Ensign: Can we push some more buttons?
Neelix: Let’s do!
Scene 12: On board the Quacker ship (if you can call it that)
Quacker2: No, sub zero, freezing.
Paris: OK, how about the bridge?
Quacker3: Warmer.
Paris: The recreation room?
Quacker1: Warmer still...
Paris: the Quarters?
Henderson: Scalding! Red Hot!
Paris: How many quarters on the ship?
Quacker3: Oh, now it’s time for twenty questions!
Paris: Rrrrrr, OK. Is he in the quarters?
Quacker2: Yes.
Paris: How many are there?
Quacker1: Yes.
Paris: Can you only say yes?
Quacker3: No.
Paris: Oh yeah, you can only answer "yes" or "no" right?
Quacker2: Yes.
Paris: OK...
Scene 13: The transporter room of the Quacker ship.
Tores: Captain, it appears that the transporter is not here... it’s been ripped out!
A horrible moan can be heard.
Janeway: Open that compartment B’Lanna.
Q comes out and he is frazzled, dazed and confused
Tores: Who are you?
Q: Q
All: Who?
Q: Q
All: Q?
Q: Yes, Q.
Tuvok: Ah yes, the annoying energy being that frequently torments the Enterprise.
Q: Yes, well, this master has met his match. These Quackers are using me and all my
glorious power as a transporter. Imagine, ME! All powerful being! Used as scrap metal.
And they call me BUD!
Tores: Why don’t you just leave?
Q: I can’t! Their annoying power keeps me from leaving the ship. I’m so humiliated.
Who are you anyway? You have a different kind of Starfleet monkey suit.
Janeway: I’m Captain Janeway of Voyager.
Q: I’m lost,... where are we?
Tores: The Delta Quadrant.
Q: The Delta Quadrant?
Janeway: How did the Quackers get here?
Q: They used my powers to get up to Warp 100!
Tores: Warp 100! With that power, we could be home in no time!
Scene 14: Meanwhile, Paris is having loads of fun.
Paris: I’ll take tall Oriental Ensigns for $200, Quackers.
Quacker3: And the answer is: "The Location of Harry Kim".
Paris: I don’t know, that’s what I want to find out.
Quacker2: No, I’m sorry, the correct question was: "What are Henderson’s quarters."
Paris: (hits communicator) Captain! I’ve located Harry. He’s in Henderson’s quarters.
Where are your quarters Henderson?
Henderson: Well, I’ve got a few in my pocket, but if you wanna use the vending machine,
they’re on deck 43.
Paris: No, you quarters, your room,...where you sleep?
Henderson: Well, for that you have to pick a number between 1 and 2500. And you have
to get it right on.
Paris: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Scene 15: Engineering on the Quacker ship.
Tores: OK, what would happen if we took you with us?
Q: I don’t know, I’ve never tried to leave. I’ve been too scared to try. They’re just so
ANNOYING... the call me Bud!
Tuvok: It appears Q has lost his sanity.
Janeway: Agreed. Have you read about the Quacker attack on the Enterprise?
Tuvok: Yes. The Enterprise was able to rid of the Quackers by giving them SPAM and
Communicators. We will have to trade them something in order to get Q. The novelty
soon runs out. I’m sure they will trade for something.
Tores: Yes, but what?
Scene 16: Back on the bridge of Voyager
Neelix: OK, I’ve established that this button operates the photon torpedoes. It’s a good
thing that asteroid was in the path when I fired it. I could have done some real damage.
And this pretty blue button works the shields. OK, now what is this...
Ping Pong balls fall on Chakotay in his quarters.
Chakotay: What did you hail me for?
Neelix: Oh, I’m just using the trial and error method to learn how to manoeuvre the ship.
Chakotay: You’re in charge?
Neelix: Why yes,... yes I am.
Chakotay: I’m on my way. Just don’t TOUCH anything!
Scene 17: On Quacker ship; Paris and gang.
Paris: Can’t you give me a hint?
Quackers: NO, that’s cheating.
Paris: Pllleeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeee?
Henderson: Well, all right, it’s smaller that 2500.
Paris: Oh well, that helps is it 1?
Henderson: No.
Paris: Is it 2?
Henderson: No.
Paris: 3, 4, 5, 6?
Henderson: No, no, yes and no.
Paris: It’s 5!
Henderson: How did you know?
Quacker2: That’s not fair, Henderson can only count to 5!
Paris: OK, I win. Where’s Harry?
Quacker1: Henderson, lead the way to your quarters.
Quacker3: (whispers) If he can find the way. (snickers)
Scene 18: Henderson’s quarters.
Quacker2: Awww, Henderson, it stinks in here!
Harry: Sock stench,... can’t breathe,... oxygen levels... dropping,... help me!
Quacker1: Whoa my little friend, you’re lucky you lived in here!
Harry: I’d rather not.
Paris: Captain, I’ve found Harry! He’s a little socksatized but he’s OK!
Henderson: YOU found him? I did it all.
Quacker3: Yeah, you’re lucky this is one of Henderson’s good days. Otherwise, you
would have never seen your friend again.
Janeway: Excellent. Come to Engineering. We have an offer the Quackers can’t refuse.
Quackers: Can we come?
Paris: Of course, how can you refuse if you’re not there.
Quacker1: True.
Scene 19: The Quacker ship; Engineering.
Janeway: To be frank Quackers,...
Quacker1: But I want to be Frank, I was sooo looking forward to it.
Quacker3: But I want to be Frank, you were Frank last time.
All Quackers argue over who will be Frank
Henderson: I WILL BE FRANK!
Quacker 3: You already have a name. Look at me, Quacker number three, how boring.
Change that script right now!
Janeway: As I was saying, what do you want in exchange for Q?
The Quackers look blankly at her
Tores: (clears throat) ...Bud.
Janeway: ...In exchange for... Bud.
Quacker2: Well, we need some more batteries for those bleeper things,...
Henderson pushes stomach (bleep, bleep) and smiles
Quacker3: Oh, we want an animal guide! That would be the best!
Janeway: How do you know about animal guides?
Quacker1: We have our sources. And if you don’t produce, we’ll throw eggs at Bud and
you wouldn’t like that would you?
Quackers pick up eggs and aim them at Q (Bud)
Q: Oh no, no again, please! I’m allergic to eggs!
Janeway: OK, OK. We’re going back to our ship and we’ll find an animal guide for you
OK?
Quacker3: Yeah, OK. But we want a loveable, huggable, cuddly one like Harry.
Harry: (sighs) I’m just so irresistible to all species.
Paris: Shut up! Just because aliens always choose to kidnap you, you think you’re the
hottest thing next to Fabio! Do you think it’s any coincidence you spend half of every
episode on aliens ships, maybe the Captain is trying to get rid of you!
Harry: (sniffs) Is that true Captain?
Janeway: Of course not Harry, now you two quit your squabbling right now! Janeway to
Voyager, 5 to beam aboard.
Chakotay: Acknowledged Captain.
Scene 20: Back on Voyager.
Janeway: Chakotay... is there any way we could give an animal guide to the Quackers?
Chakotay: They would have to find it within themselves.
Janeway: What if we put then all in a trance?
Tuvok: Impossible, they are too dumb, that relies too much on mind power.
Harry: What if we just give them Chakotay’s?
Chakotay: No!! She’s mine! You can’t have her!
Janeway: I don’t see how we could anyway.
Tores: Why don’t we just give them a dog? They won’t know the difference anyway.
Janeway. That’s great idea, good thinking B’Lanna. Paris, do you have the batteries?
Paris: I sure do Captain!
Janeway: Hale the Quackers.
Quackers: Ahhhhhh! Crap! We forgot the umbrellas! What do you want?
Janeway: We have your batteries and your er... animal guide.
Harry: His name is Sparky.
Quackers: Wow! Sparky!
Janeway: Now will you release Q?
Paris: ...Bud.
The Quacker Formally Known as #3: Of course. Good bye old buddy Bud. It was nice
working with you.
Q: Don’t call me Bud. I’m Q! Q!
TQFKA#3: Whatever you say Bud. Jeez, he’s no fun. We will let you go, but first, a
gift... from us to you...
Quackers toss eggs at Q.
Q: Ahhh! Let me go!
Paris: Hey! I guess the yolk’s on Q.
Harry: That was a beauty.
Quackers: OK, you can go. Beam our puppy and batteries over, if you please sir.
The puppy and batteries are sent over and the Quacker leave.
Janeway: Well, that proved to be an adventure. Q, you can help us to get back to the
Alpha Quadrant.
Q: Are you insane? My powers are useless thanks to those eggs!
He dematerializes.
Harry: Now, (sob), we’ll (sob), never, (sob sob), get home! ( sob sob sob), WAAHH!
Chakotay: There, there Harry. It will be OK.
Tuvok: Captain. We’re receiving a sub-space message from the direction of the alpha
quadrant.
Janeway: On speakers.
SPARKY!!!
Sparking, where are you? Sparky!!! Hello, my name is Henderson, and .... I lost my
puppy dog. His name is Sparky... could you all call his name...
Janeway: Well obviously we are not far enough away yet. Mr. Paris, maximum warp
away from that message.
Paris: Aye Captain.
Janeway: What strange forces lurk in the dark gloominess of space. What we
encountered today was a prime example of the diversity of intelligence between different
species. The Prime Directive instructs us to preserve primitive species in unknown
quadrants, but in this case... OBLITERATE THEM!!!
Doctor: Captain, I came in half way through that motivational speech, and I suggest as
your medical advisor that you take some time off in the holodeck.
Janeway: That’s a good idea Doctor. I’ll start a practice program right now! I’ll call it
Operation Obliteration.
Paris: Oooo, nice alliteration.
Harry: You’re a poet and don’t know it.
Paris: Hey, so are you!
Janeway leaves the bridge, eagerly rubbing her hands.
Tuvok: To coin a phrase, I believe she’s "lost it".
Neelix: We’re doomed, Doomed!