10 Simple Rules for:
Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order
to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information
I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have
my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil
in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen,
or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter
to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are
to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged,
dimwit. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-
knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -
there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.

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