by J Noland

He has said that he loves me. He has been the center of my thoughts for
almost a year. It was a surprise to me when he told me he is a priest. I was not
in love with him then, but I am now.


It all began very simply. As I was living my life back then, I would walk around
and do whatever I pleased to whomever caught my fancy--nothing truly
wicked, I assure--and my demeanor was such that no one not already in my
sphere of existence would dare to enter it unless I beckoned. But he did more
than dare, he took action against all I had built for myself. Then, of course, I
took offense, and prepared to counter what I saw as an attack. In short, I was
distracted and forgot all about him. Very simple and sweet, and I almost wish
it had stayed that very way.

And so, my life was without Zelek (Zelek the Zealot, as I call him), and I
proceeded to be arrogant and self-righteous for awhile, all at once making a
turn to the opposite one night when I knew I was alone. No problem; I had been
more than virtuous in the old career--so much moreso than my peers that I had
almost been entirely discarded by them once or twice--so the changes in
myself were oriented more toward my outlook (formerly a lookout) on life, and
my attitude did need an awful lot of changes. This took work.

Many had previously told me that I would be a nun, or at least the
equivalent in my chosen career. At the time, though I don't know why, I was
impressed with myself at this thought. I had tried to live up to it. And this may
have been the only reason that I could become who I am now.
I have been very careful with myself and with my body; to me they are two
different things; the body being my physical cage, and myself being my
captured being. I have developed skills that will help--rather, would have
helped--me through many serious trials that growing ones are to face so that
they are tempered into valuable spirits. Some of these skills: developing an
efficient metabolism, thus creating a very strong heart (the proof is a serious
murmur which I had at age thirteen that is now completely vanished); control
over strong emotion, and great control over minor emotion; a strong sense of
objectivity even in highly stressful situations; and, though some may not
consider this a skill per se, a deeply rooted and functional moral code which
is active and able to defend itself. It would be a lie for me to say that I am not
particularly proud to have been able to develop these and the other skills for
myself; unfortunately, it has also been made futile that I have managed to
become this skilled. Zelek has taken the need for these away by endowing me
with protection against the trials of those who are growing.

He is a very passionate man, and very persisitent. I found this out the
second time I met him, when he again 'attacked' my sensitivities (this, I have found,
is not a habit of his, but a rather common accident). By then, I had an entirely
new set of rules that everyone else had to play by, but he managed an effective tromping
of them. And I had a new set of ways to deal with infractions
and violators, a more open and immediate way, but still rather shy in operation.
It had the reverse effect on him; instead of scaring him away it seemed to attract
him all the more. And, for quite awhile, I felt afflicted by him, but I realized this
was because I was afraid he would reject me if I did not feel thus. Therefore I
took the chance and asked him if he would reject me given his chance (though
at the time I only slightly felt it would hurt me if he did such), and was not there
for his immediate reply--forcing him to be silent until at least ten days had
passed.

It was then, after the ten days that he told me he is a priest. I should have
been able to guess from his garb, but I still chose not to assume. It was then
also that I began to cater to him, I am not certain if it was exactly because of the
respect I have always held for priests. (Was he, in fact, manipulating me then?)

He did not reject me, though he never said that he would not reject me--an
unfair thing to demand of anyone, even a priest. I felt certain that a priest could not lie.

I tried more than ever to draw closer to Zelek because he is so unlike the
other people I have met. I began to cater more to the things he said he wanted
and expected of me. I sought to earn his trust and respect. I was afraid to be
anything more than he already knew of me out of fear that a priest would hate me as
what I was trying to become; and I knew a priest could easily hate what I
had been. I am certain I did not love him then.

I was very shocked when he asked me to marry him. He said he did not intend to
marry for several years, but he also had said that priests, such as he, never married.
It was confusing to me and more than slightly ego-boosting.
Evidently, I had done something right, perhaps a little too right. I had been
betrothed before, but never for the right reasons; I knew that whatever reasons
there were, they were still not good enough, but I accepted, knowing that I meant
it and knowing what it meant. I would probably be seen as some form of evil, and
he would be defrocked because of the evil. But I was convinced that
his choice could not be an error. (Why did he allow me to believe that way?)

It was very uncomfortable for me to be engaged to him. I admit that I knew
even then that I would have to love him in order to marry him. I don't know why I
don't think there is something very wrong with that, but the thing has happened.

Love is a painful thing for me, but I endure it because of him. The hurt is passing, and my love for him matures more each day. I believe it is unlike any other love
I have held for anyone or anything. Unfortunately, I have discovered a different

and unexpected pain, which I am only now beginning to subdue.
At one time his pasion almost got away from him; Zelek will probably never
admit it, but he had difficulty controlling himself. If I hadn't recalled that I had
been prophecied to be a nun, and been a prude concerning my body (as I have been
throughout my life), then he and I would most definitely be lovers, and I would probably
be extremely happy. As it happened, I was cruel--a type of act which has always caused
me great remorse--and, though I did not compromise my most cherished virtue of honesty,
by my winning the occurance I lost my self-confidence entirely for a time. (Did he plan the
even for that result?)

And this brought me o the realizaiton that I do love him, and what the limits
of my love for him are. This also led me to know that what I have saved should be
his, and that I have saved it properly.

I have confessed these things to Zelek (who is not my regular priest, for which
I am very grateful), and, most recently, he has proclaimed me a Sacred Virgin, untouchable
in the ways of lust. He says he feels I am too pure for even him.

It has been two weeks, and I am beginning to know all of the benefits and obligations
of my new rank. I am learning that Zelek was right in his consecration. (Did he consecrate
me so that I would always be for him only?) That it has really nothing to do with what I alone
want, that he must want me at the same time. I am better off
devoted to being a virgin. (Does he still want to marry me? Did he ever really? Could
I marry him?)

(Did he only ask me to marry him so that he would be certain to have a wife if
he ever wanted one?)

Today, as I drove my carriage--I shall have to get used to allowing others to
drive; it is a characteristic of Sacred Virgins which I am too new to be expected
to follow, but am not certain I shall ever be comfortable with--I thought of Zelek,
and how little I have seen of him since my confession to him. (Is he only interested if he
has to convince me? Is he trying to convince someone else?) I do not have the right
to question his honor; I am supposed to be extremely trusting--especially of the
priests under whom I serve.

The others must see me as loving Zelek for his holiness, which I suppose I do,
but that is not all I love him for. (Are my reasons truly correct? Should I ask Zelek
for advice?) My passions for Zelek must be obvious. (Why don't the other people realize that I
am not a virgin at heart--I should not be consecrated because of that? Can
I ever live up to the image Zelek has forced me into? Did he force me? If so, isn't
he imprisoning me? and torturing me? He has to know what he's doing, doesn't he?)
But Zelek is not wrong. Zelek has his reasons. (Should I trust his reasons over mine? Can
I forgive him if his reasons are wrong?)

(Were his breaking of my rules--his 'attacks' on me--really by accident, or were
they tests? Does it really matter?) Yes; the results of our meeting have been very
formative to me. Almost all of who I am now is because of him. (Don't I have a right
to more than just a small say in who I am? Did he somehow make

me give up that right? Can I excuse him of that, too?)
I don't know what will happen to me if he ever finds out that I am uncomfortable
with much of what he has given me.


Has he ever loved me? Should he be the center of my thoughts? Is he a priest? Was
I ever not blind with love for him? Do I love him now?