[Written Sign] 13
Fourth day out, stopped for the night. N makes an excellent travelling companion,
he is an interesting conversationalist. Four days left to Fethard.
Haven't practiced anything since I've been out. This is the least I can do, if
I can think of something to write. Basically, my mind is mush; if I thought I was
ever confused before, I was, no doubt, wrong. And I must now consider Reen carefully.
Since I do know what she would do, based on the essential differences between us, I will
take some more time for this (if it is not too late), and try to consider all the
factors involved. Fortunately, I will have some help.
I understand now why I was secretly coached, and I am grateful. Foresight. Someone
must have known it would happen to me eventually, perhaps even if I had stayed in
the village. Yet, on the surface it would seem so easy. Am I making trouble for myself?
Reen refused to let there be trouble, I know; I am regretting my lack of attention
to that, especially to answer how. Perhaps I should discuss this with N; he would
know.
Meanwhile, I am far less concerned about arriving in Fethard. If I would like to
stay with N I should be more concerned about getting to Larkbay. Fortunately, we
are headed in that direction. I would like to know about his life in Larkbay. Perhaps
it will be brought up soon.
I haven't had the time to wonder about Danger or why I am here; though I only wonder
if Danger is real, and why I am here would seem to be a relatively moot point now.
No one has asked me if I want to go back -- am I that obvious? No one has
[Kettich]
asked me about Danger except to know that I was brought here, and I believe I have
only mentioned the name he gave me once (in passing). Is that a fair indication that
people believe I did this to myself? As they do with the dreams containing Mojo?
Those dreams, too. I cannot categorize them. They do not worry me, and I now have
irrefutable proof that the people of those dreams are real. It's why I wonder at
Danger; the dreams (now that I think on them unisolated) are remarkably similar.
Also, as far as I remember, one stopped just as the other began. Speculatively: a conversion?
Mojo insists that the first dream I remember was not the first dream. Proof that
he manufactures them? Or proof of conversion? If they are the same, who was Mojo?
Who is/was Grief, Destiny, and, most importantly, Danger? There have only been two beings
thusfar in the dreams here. It is something to think about.
A bit of trouble, though: why? I have no love for intangibilities that pretend
to be important in my life. The only thing which saves me now from disdain of these
dreams is the reality of their "characters". There is nothing in my known heritage
which would indicate a logic to my possession of such an ability. Nothing in what I have
been taught. No explanation from either my researches or what else I have learned.
They can be stopped with herbs, or so the evidence would seem to indicate. They
[Minotaur]
continue beyond my waking for the "characters" who remain. I do not truly know if
they have started before my dreming--for Mojo. The dreams most closely resemble reoccurring
dreams, here at least, though I do retain conscious memories (during dreming) of
the previous dreams I can remember waking. Alas, I am still so woefully ignorant; I
fear I may be hypothesizing truly implausible things. I'll not trouble it further.
Back onto woeful ignorance in the present situation. It troubles me, and so I shall
trouble it at my earliest possible convenience. My only real difficulty with that
is an incredible lack of resources. If I didn't know that this lack is mostly my
own fault, then I would wonder if it had all been planned this way. How could I have possibly
not known that I would need solid contacts with others from this place? Too wrapped
up in the unusual opportunities to think of the obvious, I suppose. I should get
at the resource which I have before I paralyze myself with fright of the whole thing,
since I will without doubt be left only that resource to make my own "unaided" decisions
and/or mistakes based on its contents. Still, it seems that it could be so easy if
only I would stop thinking about what it could do to me.
And I am already changing. It seems far more likely that I will do as my mother,
and ignore certain violently obvious consequences of the course I wish to pursue.
Bluntly: no tea. For
[1/2 ling]
the simple fact that it would hurt me too much if it is not a mutual consideration.
No, that's not quite right...it would hurt me if it hurt him that I believe the way
I do, and especially that the tea is not a preventative but an after-the-fact "cure".
N has said he has no children, he has not said he wants none. N has given an implication
of attempting. But it would be cruel for me, perhaps less cruel than for my parents,
but I do not know what he is. An intereting point: 9 days ago he did not know what
he is, and said as much, yesterday he offered me a resource to "explain (him)"; does
that imply that he has learned something about it? --The answer is in the resource,
I'm sure. Another reason to get at it.
Sleep. I want to try to 'get to' the "reoccurring" dream by myself tonight, alone.
[Kettich] 14
The two troubles have merged, and in so doing one has been (apparently) solved, and
the other has (apparently) multiplied. In the dream I wished to have alone, N and
I spoke. It seems most likely that he wanted to marry me, since he did, and since
then actual things have emerged from those dreams, produced tangibly here, yet I do not fully
understand either. "Yet is not even reality a dream," to quote Mojo. We shall see,
I suppose.
What else is there? I have found an interest at last. It seems entirely natural
that there would be a vexation equal to that interest in order that it should balance,
if I believed that plooey. However, it becomes more plausible that I would find a
way to distract myself from such an interest; less plausible that I alone could do such
things to distract me. More confusion about this matter of total disinterest. I would
like for them to stop, though how positively useful they could be (!!) now that there
are these new developments. If I had any kind of longing for dreams of this sort,
power of this sort, responsibility of this sort. They are dangerous and may possibly
even be becoming uncontrollable in ways.
The question I have never had arises: what am I? Was it a mistake to marry N, not
knowing this thing...an answer I have never lacked and never, therefore, had reason
to doubt the basic facts of myself & beliefs. N has not done this to me, as I had
feared he would, the dreams have. The dreams must either become thoroughly understood or
stop soon. It troubles me and forces me to trouble it. Oh help ho!
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