I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's,
(sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people,
celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals),
when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home
recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky
Fried Chicken which is predictable, since as everyone knows,
there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the
government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this
guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it
was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of
the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw
a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his
phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a
virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened
e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he
himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to
prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and
distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the
leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass
e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to
everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay
phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked
him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the
phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return
slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was
wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he
was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy
who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in
he world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has
agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him
two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape
of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you
will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and
if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR
SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights
on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot
as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you
their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the
owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and
you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium
Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer
from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms,
and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
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