Subject: Mental Health Hotline
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. We are here to help you.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you what number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it does not matter what number you press.
No one will answer.
If you are psychotic, immediately go to our emergency counseling
clinic which is located in the castle on the fourth cloud to the right
of the beanstalk.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the # key until a counselor answers.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, leave a message after the beep or before the
beep. Or after the beep. Or before the beep. But wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have insomnia, take two aspirin and call us back in the morning after
a good night's sleep.
If you are catatonic, do nothing.
If you have a sexual disorder, hang up and call your local (900) SEX--LINE
number after midnight.
If you have been diagnosed as a sociopath, either apply to law school or run
for Congress.
If you work for the post office, we cannot help you.
If you are having religious visions, send a donation to us, cashier's check
only, and we will pray for you.
If you have low self-esteem, hang up. All our counselors are too busy to
talk to you.
Thank you for calling. We are pleased to be of assistance.
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