Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed that the new program began making unexpected
changes to the accounting software severely limiting access to
wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other
valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3,
and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs
such as PokerNight 1.31 SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it
run DrapeHanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and
has on occasion evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of
Death). Can you help?
Signed, Jane
Reply:
Dear Jane:
>
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend
5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
>
However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was
designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. It
is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Further, you
cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to
Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do
this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
>
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system, once installed. Any modification
program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband
1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily accept new
information or changes. Error messages are common, and a
normal part of Husband 1.0.
>
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite
applications, or to get new applications to work, some women
have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However,
these women end up with more problems than encountered with
Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under "Warnings:Divorce/
Resource Allocation.") You will notice that trying to install
either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come
pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system
performance, system conflict, and possible virus infection. I
recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of
this strange and illogical system.
>
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General Partnership
Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0,
secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part
of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root
cause.
>
To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I
THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run
simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should
then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/
Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few
weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
>
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature.
Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and
ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or
worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable
program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and
wave files LoudSnore and NoxiousGas. All of these files are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following
this tech tip!
>
Just remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is plagued with memory and
performance problems.
>
Consider buying additional software to enhance its
functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3,
Patience 10.1, and Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these
utilities running in the background ready to be called when
needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts,
crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several
years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings
2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
>
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
try to install HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even
temporarily. This is not a supported application, and will
cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high
incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting
5.2.
>
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to
install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the
best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to
fully enjoy this product!
>
Tech Support
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