(* A guide for those who perpetually call tech support *)
Written by a disgruntled tech tired of being abused on the phones.
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"IT DON'T WORK"
is not a valid error message and tells the tech that you have
called without trying anything on your own first.
SCREAMING
Yelling and screaming get you nowhere. The tech more than
likely will be putting you on mute to laugh at you. Also, it
is quite possible that your call will be terminated by the tech
that you are calling, or your hold times will become "cooling
down" periods for you [also called "penalty hold"].
TINKERING
Don't tinker with the software/hardware, and then blame it on
the last tech you pretend you called. Most companies keep a
database of who called and when and it pops up when you call.
This gets you nothing but contempt and a brand that says
"Hey, I am a pompous liar who doesn't want their computer fixed."
CURSING
Techs are NOT impressed with your overinflated ego and four
letter word vocabulary.
THREATEN TO CANCEL
A tech really doesn't care if you cancel your account or not.
So if you are prepared to threaten, then be prepared to be
cancelled in the name of "good customer service".
CONNECT SPEEDS
If you have a 56k modem and you connect to your service at
54000 instead of 56000 BE HAPPY. Feel priviledged, and don't
call support! You're doing better than most people. Some phone
lines just aren't able to carry a 56k signal.
NOT SUPPORTED
If the tech you call tells you that another program or piece
of software is not supported, say OK, read your documents,
and call the appropriate number. Don't demand to speak to a
supervisor or threaten law suits.
SYMPATHY
Don't expect sympathy and free credit if you say "I've been
doin' this for 2 hours" or, worse, "I waited on hold for 45
minutes to get you". The tech you're talking to works on calls
for 8-10 hours a day, listening to statements like yours
every other call. Technical problems sometimes take awhile to
solve, and the easy answers are usually covered within the error
messages you didn't write down or within the manual you didn't
read before calling to wait on hold for 45 minutes behind 30+
other callers who also didn't read their documentation.
CUSTOMIZE
No we can't change the software requirments just for you,
that would entail revising source code etc etc.. The twenty
dollars a month you pay wouldn't cover a consultation with the
engineer to laugh at you for that suggestion, SO GET A CLUE !!
"SPECIAL" RIGHTS
Techs don't care how much you pay a month, no matter what or
who you pay, you NEVER have the right to verbally abuse them.
JOKES
Pratical jokes to a tech line are childish and foolish, it
wastes both your time and the tech's time, PLUS the call is
more than likely being recorded, and caller ID is in every
tech call center no matter what company. So OOPS! you're caught.
NO DIAL-TONE NO CARRIER MESSAGES
Read the box that pops up. It usually tells you to check your
connections. 90% of no dial tone, no carrier errors are due
to loose connections and components which are turned OFF.
Honest. CHECK THEM and save yourself a call.
STRESS
Yes, a tech may sound a bit tired or a grumpy, but how
would you feel if you took upwards of 100-150 calls a day
with about .005 seconds between them. And then half the
callers vented at you, complaining that you could do more for them
personally right now this second. THINK before you complain!
The bottom line is:
Do you want help or not? If not, then GET OFF MY PHONE!
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