I didn't get to see my twins right away. I was so tired, I needed to sleep for a few hours. I was finally left alone to sleep at 2am after I delivered the twins. A nurse came to my room and woke me up at 4am to check on me, and I didn't sleep well after that.
Donnie came to the hospital at around 8am with some fresh clothes and I slowly walked to the NICU which was down on the other side of the maternity ward. Donnie had already seen them so he knew what we had to do once we were in the NICU hallway. We had to scrub our hands and forearms for 3 minutes to kill any germs on our hands. I cannot stress the importance of doing this. Premature babies depend on an environment free of germs, it can be a matter of life or death for these fragile babies.
I didn't know what to expect really, I knew they wouldn't be "big" like full term babies. But I was not ready to see all the wires connected to my babies. We came upon Victoria's isolette first. Actually she and Brandon were on warming tables, to help them with body temperature. Victoria was on CPAP, which stands for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure, for two days and two nights. She had (phototherapy) the bililights for her Hyperbilirubinemia(Jaundice). Her feet and hands were so purple, but I was told that was normal. She had so much hair on her head, and beautiful long eyelashes. She was only 4 pounds 10 ounces, 13 inches tall, but already it was very apparent she had long legs.
After two days, we were able to hold her. I remember that moment, it was almost magical. When she peeked and opened her eyes for a moment, she melted my heart. Little as she was, I had this gut feeling she wasn't going to be a timid baby. I feel as though all preemies come out of the NICU fighters, afterall, it will probably be THE biggest struggle for their lives. It took Victoria a few days before she was able to eat, and even then it was through a tube inserted at her mouth to her stomach. Every calorie counts for preemies, and if they have to work too hard at eating, tube feeding is better for them in order to gain weight and strength.
Apparently, it is a common practice to do ultrasounds on the brains of premature babies to check for any deformities in the brain. Victoria had a few "spots" that would need further investigating, so she had an MRI the next day. It was not good news. I remember sitting at home, being very nervous. The nurses told me there was nothing I could do except visit with Brandon at the hospital. I had come home to eat lunch and wait for the nurses' shift change to be over. When the phone rang, it seemed as though it had a different ring to it. I KNEW it was their neonatalogist calling. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion, picking up the phone, looking at it, pushing the button, saying "hello?". The news was not good. Not only did Victoria have brain bleeds, they had found more spots were she bled then previously thought. Now the question hung over my head like a black cloud, "would she be okay?"
I called my mom and cried to tears, but she immediately took on this attitude that didn't make me feel better. I think now that she was being "tough" because she was scared herself, especially being so far away from the babies. I called Donnie and he left work, picked me up and we went to see the neo and have her explain Victoria's condition in more detail. When we got there, I had calmed down, and after the neo explained everything in a little more detail, I felt a little better. Victoria's bleeds were outside the ventricles of the brain, and she was diagnosed with a condition called PVL. Her neonatologist was pretty impressed by Victoria's alertness, and activeness despite having so many spots of dead brain tissue. I had only prayed for no more bad news.
Brandon, was a chunker at 5 pounds 10 ounces. Although these may seem like wonderful weights for 33 weekers, they are BUT, I had gestational diabetes. I had to give myself insulin shots 3 times a day the last month I was pregnant. As far as I can remember, Brandon never needed constant help with his breathing. He did suffer from A & B spells, and would need a oxygen if stimulating him didn't make him breathe. Like his twin sister, he also had to have phototherapy or biliblankets for his jaundice. Somewhere along the way, he got an infection from an IV site, and had an IV going into his head to administer antibiotics. I was really upset by that, but didn't think hollering about it at that point would do anyone any good.
I don't know of a better way to say this, but their NICU stay was not as horrific as some other parents go through. I was able to carry them to 33 weeks, which is almost like saying they made it past the extreme danger zones that preemies born much younger face.
By the 16th day in the NICU, it seemed as though Victoria was ready for a sleep study, a 24 hour study of their breathing to check for any A&B's. She failed her first one, but passed her second one a week later. Brandon had his around the time Victoria had her second one, and he also failed, nearing on the border of passing.
As it got closer to the day they were going to come home, I was getting more and more nervous. It started to feel like they were my babies and not hospital property. I had also become friends with the parents of the little girl next to us, and another little girl on the other side of the nursery. Summer, the little preemie next to us, was born on Christmas Eve, but was gestationally much younger then the twins. Aida, was born in mid-November, again, much younger in gestational age. Summer went home about a week after the twins, and Aida finally went home around a month later. I met Aida's parents through an Internet support group called Preemie-l. I had found the support group the night after learning about Victoria's diagnosis, I was in need of knowledge about my little girl's condition. I found so much information out there about premature babies, that had I not found Preemie-l, I don't know what my emotional state would be. It was such a comfort to have communication with others who have been through what I was going through, I often feel closer emotionally to the support group then my own family. I know that sounds somewhat "sad" but the intensity of my emotions where so strong, I was feeling happy that my kids were going to be okay, but I was angry that the pregnancy was cut short, angry at myself, I felt guilty that my body failed my babies. All those emotions (and so many more) all rolled up in a matter of days, weeks, or months.
Just as my children grow out any lingering concerns of their prematurity, I have to grow out of any lingering raw emotions from my experience as well. After 3 weeks in the NICU, my life was about to take me on another fast track rollercoaster to TWIN-LAND...