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BILL and I were married for 37 years. We were one flesh. In the temporal his death has certainly been the most difficult circumstance I have ever had to face. I am not whole any longer. A large piece of me is now missing. Life will never be the same.
In the spiritual Bill's slow walk over the last 14, almost 15, years to his eternity has been at once very difficult and the most amazing journey of my life. Jesus has answered all of my prayers. I am at a new level of trust and reliance in God. Jesus has left me with an experience that will hold me for the rest of my life and although this last month has been the longest month you could ever imagine I have had many hours of enjoyment thinking on all the miracles and answered prayers. I would like to tell you about it, and what I have learned along the way.
"Thou shalt have none other gods before me." – Deut 5:7 Life took a major turn in 1994 with the death of Bill's dad. This was before any of us knew who Jesus was. Bill and his dad were very close, and he really never recovered from the loss. It became one of those very traumatic experiences that can have life changing effects on you if you do not know the Lord. The life long problems that Bill suffered with, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, took a dramatic turn for the worse.
What was a manageable state of depression became clinical depression which required a number of drugs to hold in any kind of check. Whereas he was able to hide his obsession problems before, (I never knew he had the problem) he could not do so now, and it required additional drug therapy.
As I watched this the Lord impressed upon me in a strong way that if we will have no other gods before us then when we experience any type of trauma we will be protected from the emotional and physical shifts that can have a permanent negative effect upon our lives if God is not absolutely first in it. If we are Christ centered then we will trust Him to carry us through. That is how it has been with me. That is why I can have extreme joy that far surpasses sorrow.
When Bill was diagnosed with rectal cancer in 1997, and after he had the surgery to remove the tumor we decided to not do the radiation and chemotherapy that was suggested, and instead did an alternative therapy that took us to Sedona, Arizona. While there I attended a church in Flagstaff.
One Sunday morning I felt a great burden for Bill, and prayed hard all the way to church, at church and the alter at the end of service. Before leaving the church that day one of the saints came over to me and said that God had told her to come tell me "everything is going to be all right." Well, of course, nothing can be all right unless you are saved, and that is the way I took her message from God. I NOW HAD A PROMISE FROM GOD. I clung to that promise. Over the years as I prayed for Bill's salvation and healing I would from time to time bring this promise back to God's remembrance.
Bill was cured of rectal cancer, but right on it's heels in early 1999 he was diagnosed with leukemia. When he was diagnosed with leukemia is really when I remember getting serious in prayer for Bill. Sometimes the prayers were strong, sometimes the prayers were weak, and sometimes I would go for a period of time not praying for him at all, being discouraged.
What I have learned is that God knows the sincerity of your prayers. He knows your heart. The main thing is to keep praying the best prayers that you can, and to end those prayers with "Your will be done." Then you know that even if you are inadvertently praying amiss, God's will, will over ride that prayer.
I never believed the Oncologist when he said that the form of leukemia that Bill had was manageable, and people lived 20 plus years with it. Bill's suffering on a daily basis due to his mental conditions was debilitating in itself. Spread that over a lifetime, add business problems, pile leukemia on top of it, and the stress involved, is more then we can comprehend. In my mind I figured he had maybe 10 years.
I hid this in my heart. It was, in fact, manageable for 5 years or so. After that he had to begin taking different types of treatments to try to keep it in check. I watched silently as he would go through a series of treatments, and they would work beautifully, but when it became necessary for him to take them again, they would not work as well. So there was a very clear picture to me of a slow decline.
Bill attempted to attend church in 1994, but quit due to the mental tortures that it caused him. He tried again, but found it too difficult. Not only was there the mental problems, which were significant, but he really just wanted to live his own way. There were a lot of things Bill just could not understand about God, but he always loved Him in his human way. He understood that he was living without God. When I would tell him his destiny living the way he was living, he understood he was not saved. He somehow felt helpless to help himself. I believe there was a lot of fear. Bill just could not stand the thought of going through the mental agony that he had been through before trying to live for God. He did what he felt he could do. He lived without television and stopped drinking for 8 or 9 years, and he paid tithes and offerings from the time we started to church, he straightened people out who did not believe in God, he became very honest and truthful, he was forever repenting when he knew he had sinned, and he always prayed to some degree. Although we know that this did not save him, isn't it just awesome how God took note. I could not badger him. There was nothing I could do except try to be a good and helpful wife and PRAY. Really, prayer is it! It was probably around this time that I decided that salvation was the only thing to pray for. I prayed for his healing now and then but I really just did not feel it. But he just HAD to be saved.
Somewhere around 2005 with fear I began to pray "Whatever it takes, Lord."
One of Bill's major stumbling blocks was his attachment to money. His entire life was devoted to the making of it. He did not care about it from the standpoint of outward appearances, but he subscribed to the mentality that it spelled success. So I knew that although God did not care if he had it or not because it was an idol for Bill, it might have to be taken away from him, so you can see why I prayed with fear. But I meant it. I knew that the Lord had prepared me for whatever might come so with determination and a pure heart I prayed "Whatever it takes, Lord." | 
