Dont’s and Do’s for Support People (What to say or not to say) when a parent has lost a child.

Don’ts

Don’t avoid the bereaved parent.  

This is the time they really need to know you care about them. There is nothing worse than being deserted when you are most in need.

Don’t fail to acknowledge that they have just lost their son or daughter the first time you see them after the death.  

It will probably seem to them that you are denying the existence of their child if you say nothing, or that you do not care that they have lost a big part of their life — past, present and particularly future.

Sending a card is a good idea, especially if you live a distance away. Many people have commented how much they appreciated that people have sent a card, note or letter of condolence, and they are usually kept and re-read from time to time, as the bereaved parent feels the need. 

"It’s God’s will." — this is seldom any comfort. Especially avoid it if you don’t know the person well enough to be sure of their spiritual beliefs. If they believe it is God’s will, they will more than likely say so themselves. If they don't, they certainly don't need someone else spouting this to them.

"It’s all for the best." — that may or may not be the case, but it does not in any way diminish the grief they feel, and sounds as though you are trivializing the death of their child.

"At least you still have the other children." — the presence of other children still living may or may not be a comfort, but again, does not mean that the loss of the child is less important. Imagine you have several very close friends, all very different, whom you value and love each for themselves. If one died, would it help if someone said, "I’m sorry to hear that Joe died. But at least Fred, Susan and Peter are still alive,"? Would you mourn Joe less, or feel any better?

Remember; we are each individuals, and children are no different. Appreciate that parents have known their child as an individual, and grieve for them as an individual.

"Are you going to have another baby?" — their child cannot be replaced by another, and by asking this you are implying that children are expendable. One does not just have a child after the death of another as though they are replacing a worn-out bomb of a car with a nice shiny, new, latest-model vehicle.

Some people will find that the prospect of having another baby is a comfort, but it is still not an issue of replacement.

You don’t ask a newly-widowed person, "Are you going to get married again?" Neither should you ask the newly bereaved parent if they are having another child. If they do plan on it, they will tell you in their own good time. If they don’t, more than likely they will mention it when they are ready.

"Never mind, you can always have another baby." 

This is the cruel version of "Are you going to have another baby?" This one suggests outright that the death of their child is nothing to be upset about. How would you feel if someone said it to you after your child died?

Don’t forget them  after the funeral.

 Time and time again people tell of having wonderful support for the first few days or so, which mostly disappears once the funeral is over.

For some reason, people seem to assume that after the funeral, you get back to a ‘normal’ life. Nothing could be further from the truth, particularly when a child has died.

Before the funeral, you are kept busy with funeral arrangements, friends and relatives visiting, often from far away, and numerous other things.

After the funeral, the friends and relatives have gone back to their homes and families, there are usually no more formalities to attend to, and you are left with an empty house, your memories and your emotions.

The loss of a child, whether an adult child or an infant, is not something you ‘get over’. It is something you learn to live with.

The loss is not only the relationship, it is the person — their son or daughter. And the loss of a son or daughter is not something that can be awarded the status of ‘gotten over’.

Do let them express their grief in their own way.

 Wailing, crying, screaming, talking about the dead child, not wanting to talk about the dead child, silence, needing to be alone, needing to be with people... the list is endless.

Everyone has their own way of expressing grief. Expressing grief is healthy, in whatever form it takes, and it is essential that the person be allowed to do so. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is only what people instinctively feel they must do to express their grief.

Just because someone is not comfortable with the bereaved parent’s way of grieving does not mean there is something wrong with their grief. It just means that the other person is not comfortable with it.

The person who is grieving is the one who must feel comfortable with their grief — not the many others around them. 

It is a matter of respect of the individual. Respect their way of grieving as you would respect any other thing about them; their taste in food and clothing, ways of raising their children, choice of lifestyle etc. It may not be for you, but it suits them, so accept it as their right.

There is little more frustrating for a bereaved parent than having someone ask, "How are you?" and when you start to tell them, their eyes glaze over.

This is one reason why most bereaved parents eventually just say they’re ‘okay’. They don’t know if you really want to know, or are just being ‘polite’.

If you really are interested in how they are, after the initial, "I’m okay," ask them, "No, I mean how are you really?"

This gives them the go-ahead. It tells them that finally someone is truly interested in their well-being, and they feel free to talk, knowing that someone will actually listen to what they have to say.

So when they do start to talk, listen. Listen properly. Don’t interrupt. Don’t launch into your own story of how Mrs X down the road lost a child and so you know what they must be going through — you don’t, take my word for it. Even bereaved parents never know exactly what another bereaved parent is going through.

 

We may get stuck for words or overcome with emotion while we are talking to you. Don’t feel awkward, and feel that you must fill in the pauses in the conversation, second guess us, or tell us, "There, there, it’ll be all right, there’s no need to cry." There is a need to cry — that’s why we do it. Feel free to cry with us.

Do just learn to be with us —

 the people we will remember with appreciation are the ones who let us talk as much as we need to about our loss, and our lost child. We remember and appreciate it when someone is genuinely interested, and respects our need to talk about it, even if it’s time and time again.
 

These are the people we need — the ones who let us be ourselves, accept us as we are, and let us grieve as we must.

Support people often don’t realize that just being with us is the best thing they can do in many cases.

While some people will prefer to be alone, many need people around them. Not necessarily for conversation, but just for the company. You don’t have to entertain us, you just have to be with us.

Of course there are always times when people would rather be alone.

 It can be hard to tell when you should stay around your friend and when to leave them on their own. The easiest way to find out is to ask. Something like, "Would you like some company, or would you prefer to be alone?" gets the message across without sounding condescending or pushy.

Do realize that their life has changed irrevocably.

 (This ties in with ‘Don't forget them after the funeral.’) Their child is gone. Your life will go on more or less as usual, but theirs will not, and it will be a long time before they feel they live a ‘normal’ life again, if at all.

You need not live in their pockets, but remember to show that you think of them and you care. Drop by for a cup of coffee, or just to say hello, and don’t be afraid to mention the dead child. Most bereaved parents welcome the opportunity to talk about their child. So many people shy away from even mentioning the child, and it hurts. After all, dead or not, the child is still part of the family.

Jennifer Witt, a bereaved parent who has multiple roles in support groups, makes the following suggestions for friends and family of bereaved parents:

Don’t be afraid to talk about the loss of the child. Parents need time to express their grief and speak of their memories.

Allow them their time to grieve. It is not up to others to denote the proper time to get on with life. Please be gentle and offer an ear or shoulder.

You do not always need to say something. Sometimes the greatest support comes in prayers, meals, cards, listening ears and hugs.

Don’t forget to continue to make contact with the family after the funeral. So often families are left on their own after the initial bereavement period.

Make a donation in the child’s name to the local children’s hospital or charity of choice by the family. It is a beautiful way of keeping the memory of the child.