WARNING: For adult eyes only!!!
A CONFIDENTIAL
AND PERSONAL
SEX DISCUSSION BY
YOUR WARM,
FRIENDLY
FAMILY DOCTOR.
reproduction
Reproduction Cycle: The liquid of life lies stored in the male, in his jewel of naughty desires. When the male becomes aroused, internal body heat causes the liquid of life to simmer, making the jewel of naughty desires swell so that it stretches the sac of containment. (Sometimes both jewels swell at the same time, causing a reaction known in medical circles as "letting go with both barrels"). The liquid of life soon starts to boil and the pressure forces it up the boulevard of urgency, down through the snake of life and finally out the valve of relief. If, during this process, the male's snake of life has passed through the female's gate of forbidden pleasures and is buried in the avenue of rapture, the liquid of life spurts deep into the female's hall of conception and tickles into the tube of sanctuary. There, if it is a certain time of the month, the liquid of life will encounter the oval or regret, which is dispensed at given intervals from one of the female's two baskets of hidden dangers. The two separate agents join forces and return to the hall of conception where they are nurtured by natural body juices until, some nine months later, with the hall of conception swollen so that it can no longer contain the growth, a baby is born.
Both the digit of delight, in the female, and the horn of plenty, in the male, do not figure in sexual encounter. The horn of plenty is a storage place for excess body fluids and when full releases them directly through the latter part of the boulevard of urgency and out the valve of relief. No one knows what purpose the digit of delight serves.
Reproduction is like the hives: it's an itch that need to be scratched. Though most people know how to scratch, few are aware of the intricate cycle that occurs between the time the itch is satisfied and the day they find themselves knee-deep in diapers and brown stuff. It is nature's way of reminding you that there are taxes on the wages of sin!
What happens is this: In the basket of hidden danger there is one egg. Nobody knows who puts it there, but many would-be bachelors would like to get their hands on this person. The egg is placed well back in the nest, so it doesn't get a draft when the doors of the nest are opened and closed; otherwise the baby would be born with a stiff neck. The female then lets the male know she is ready for fertilization. Ads are taken out in newspapers. "There will be a fertilization party at Martha's Tuesday night. Bring cash." Now it is up to the male. He must gather his seed (called 'getting it up'), plow the soils of life, (called 'getting it in'), and then plant the seed (called 'getting it off'). Of course, it is not as easy as one, two, three. Problems may be encountered at each step. At seed gathering time, for example, the make may be too tired to assemble his seed. It is up to the female to arouse his interest. This is best done in any number of ways: the singing of inspirational songs, reading from the Scriptures, or pretending his fertilizer is a wind pipe and its time for a clarinet lesson. On the other hand, the male may have problems with step two, plowing the soil. At this time many females like to be told funny stories to put them at ease, stories about love, marriage (if already married, fidelity) and the like. Planting the seed is rarely a problem. A lot of people think the whole reproduction process is nothing more than put it in, come quickly and giggle. Wrongo! Let's take it from the top.
Woman's Reproductive Organs:
To get an idea of what the female reproduction organs look like, head on, pretend you are looking at Bullwinkle Moose, head on. Bullwinkle's antlers are the fallopian tubes. Tucked inside the curl of the horns are little almond-shaped critters called ovaries, one on each side. Where Bullwinkle's skull ought to be is the uterus, and down below that is the vagina. The opening of the vagina is between the legs (surprise!) and is protected by folds of skin and flesh known as the vulva, (named after the famous horde-master, Taurus Vulva, who was the first to discover its whereabouts). Where the inner folds of the vulva meet in front there is a small, sensitive tip called the clitoris, after the greek goddess Clito, goddess of small talk.
Man's reproductive Organs:
To get an idea of what the male reproduction organs look like, check out the men's john in the Greyhound bus station in Providence, R.I. Or imagine a snake resting between two plums.
How Babies Are Born:
Babies are born from carelessness. So be careful. Once every 28 days or so, one ovary releases an egg cell, which travels into the tube waits for the sperm to come, if you'll pardon the expression. The egg plays hard to get. Sometimes a sperm will come to the mouth of the tube and holler, "Is anybody home?" And the egg will say, "No, she went to a movie with Harold." The male releases 400 to 500 million sperms at a time. Some of them get very discouraged by the odds, because only one of sperm fertilizes the egg, and hang around, trying to make time with the clitoris. However, one sperm usually gets through the egg and they have a hell of a time, dancing, singing, going to the ball games together and fun things like that. In many cases the seed is planted almost as soon as the soil is plowed, and with considerable force (known as Planter's Punch.) If the male does have a problem planting, though, a universal trick is for the female to smear him with kasha varneshkes, then go to her knees and sing Sweet Sue. (It might be mentioned here that there are many ways for the seed to be planted, many attitudes from which the fertilizer can be introduced into the nest: man on top, woman on top, both man and woman on top. However, for more information, turn to the section on Postions, located in some other Sex Book. And now what happens is the baby becomes very lonely. He's got nobody to talk to or to sing with. He says to himself, "I gotta get out of here." But he's very small, so small that the journey from the back of the nest to the front of the nest is to him like going crosstown on foot. Unthinkable. He decides to get some rest first, lean back, take a little nap. The next thing he knows, he wakes up and he's seven months old. He panics. "Wowsers, if I don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna miss kindergarten." Then he discovers he has no muscle coordination and spends the next two months exercising for the trip. At first all he can manage are random kicks and blows with his tiny fists. Then his kicking and hitting becomes more regular. Soon, he's taking solid, well timed shots at the walls of the nest, which are very swollen from all the abuse. Many people think the nest gets so big to make room for the baby. Tha's not true. There's plenty of room for the baby in there. The nest gets big from the punching and the kicking. Soon, the nest owner gets ticked off. She knows the kid is doing it on purpose and tells him to knock it off. She swears and cries and calls her doctor, who hustles her to the hosptial. When the kicking and hitting becomes very regular, like the baby is keeping time to the Flight of the Bumblebee, the doctor knows the baby is ready. He puts the mother on a table and places a M&M at the mouth of the nest. The baby stops hitting when he smells the M&M. (He hasn't had a good meal for nine months). He reaches for it. As soon as the doctor sees the little hand appear and try to snatch the candy, he grabs it and yanks the baby out of there, and gives him a shot in the butt for being such a bad boy. The baby, meanwhile, realizes he has made a bad mistake and tries to go back into the nest. (Many people spend all of their lives trying to go back to the nest). But it is no good. He is born!
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