How do I maintain a quality relationship with my grandchildren after their parents' breakup?

Following separation or divorce, the relationship between adults changes fundamentally. But the same should not apply to the relationship between adults and young children in the family. Each of the children's parents continues to be a parent, each of the grandparents continues to be a grandparent, and each child should be able to receive support, love and companionship from each adult as before.

For the children's benefit, the adults must be mature enough to not let the change in the adult's relationship destroy the adult-child relationship. When the adult-child relationship is destroyed, the child experiences pain, loss and personal "destruction". No mature adult would want to consciously do that to a child.

The relationship that you as a grandparent have with your grandchildren depends in large part on the relationship you will now have with each of the children's parents following separation or divorce. Recall having heard about friends or aquaintances who were stopped from seeing their grandchildren because of an ongoing fight with the custodial parent.

The following is advice collected by our Grandparents Support Group on how to maintain a quality relationship with the grandchildren, and it necessarily includes maintaining a satisfactory relationship with both of your grandchildren's parents.

- Try to appreciate the disappointment and sense of failure each of the parents must be feeling now that they are separated or divorced. Empathize now with each of the parents to help you keep contact with the grandchildren in the future.

- Do not blame either parent for the breakup, and, most importantly, avoid taking sides. Sitting on the fence without taking sides may be the most important thing you can do to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren. I recall an acquaintance telling me that her son was angry that she had regular contact with the son's es-wife, who from time to time asked my acquaintance to help her by taking the children during the day. However, the acquaintance consciously decided not to let her own son'd disapproval of contact with the ex-wife isolate her from the grandchildren.

- Bite your tongue. Your grandchildren's parents do not need to know if you disapprove of something they are doing. In fact, voicing your disapproval will almost always turn a civil relationship into no relationship at all. Tolerance and acceptance of the adults are two of the greatest virtures possible at this time in trying to maintain a quality relationship with your grandchildren.

- Likewise, your grandchildren do not need to hear you privately criticizing their parents, and you know that the grandchildren will eventually tell their parents what you said.

- Keep open any doors of communication you have with the in-law's side of the family since those may be the people who have the most contact with your grandchildren. This may take all the maturity and civility you can muster, but your grandchildren will benefit from your example. Remember that your grandchildren love those other people too, and your coldness toward those people will affect your relationship with the grandchildren.

- Be accepting of your grandchildren's new relationships with a step-parent and step-siblings. Try to put your grandchildren's needs and interests ahead of your own.

- Let your grandchildren know how much you value them just for who they are, and not for what they do.

- Take the initative in trying to make arrangements with the custodial parent to visit younger grandchildren. Even in the face of rejection, offer your time and make an extra effort to provide activities you know the grandchildren would enjoy.

- Reach out to your older grandchildren and let them feel your support. Older grandchildren are often busy with school activities, and even in intact families will ignore their grandparents. Do not wait for the grandchildren to come to you. Phone, write, send goodies. If the grandchild no longer lives at home, make arrangements to have supper together, or to drop in for coffee.

If you would like to do some further reading about the grandchild/grandparent relationship in today's world, refer to the reading list posted in O.G.A.'s library at: http://geocities.datacellar.net/Heartland/Valley/2529/ogalibrary.html.

The Vanier Institute of the Family, located in Ottawa, Ontario, has done some research on grandparenting, and it is posted on line at http://www.vifamily.ca/cft/grandpt/Table.htm.

If you are experiencing grief over the loss of a relationship with your grandchildren, there may be a support group in your province, see http://geocities.com/Heartland/Valley/2529/supportgroups.html.

Lastly, there is an American organization established by Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, with a website at: http://www.grandparenting.org/index.html.

Update: 06/08/2004