Jus so happins' dat da furry day weez was born, mommie was a takin' our Uncle Skuzzy to da veterinarian. Heez hadn't been eaten good. Well, dis might sound sorta dumb-like, but mommie tinks dat means sumptin'. Yuz know, like supra natural or sumptin'!? She tinks dat efurry tink dat Uncle Skuzzy wanted us ta know, weez know. Actually, it's kinda strange, but when weez was *wee* little, deez strange thoughts sorta *poofed* into our minds. Weez gonna pass dem on to yuz, 'cause mommie says it was Uncle Skuzz dat gived dem ta us.
As yuz read dis infurrmative stuff, pwease keep in mind dat dees are only guidelines and should be modified as yuz situations requires.
Furst off, humans (good humans) believe dat kitties are love and... love is sometimes playful, sometimes quiet, but always beautiful (like us!). Love is also goodwill toward everyone, no matter how different they are. Dis means dat it doesn't matter what color a kitty is or iffin' dey haf long hairs or short hairs or even if dey is pure blood or not. All kitties should be held in da highest of esteems. Love is when you say "hello" with a hug in your voice. Dis means weez all suposed to purr alot.
Love doesn't expect anything in return, but begging is allowed. Now dis one is furry important 'cause what it is telling us is dat weez can looksie at our humans wif our bootiful kitty eyes and iffin weez do it right, dey will give us almost anyting weez want!
Now der is also certain tings weez should always do.
Never drink from your own water bowl if there is a glass of their water full enough for you to drink from.
Always accompany your humans to the bathroom. You don't have to do anything. Just sitting and staring is fine!
Never sit in a laundry basket of dirty clothes. Wait until they are clean and warm from the dryer.
As a general rule, if one of your humans is sewing or working with papers and the other one is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless of course you can lie across the book itself.(Newspapers can be risky - better to crawl under and push up with one's paw.) For people addressing envelopes or doing income taxes, sit on the papers being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. Be on the lookout for any available space, and take it! After being moved a second time, push a roll of stamps off the table. (make sure it's a roll - a book won't have the same effect!) Follow up with pens and pencils, preferably one at a time.
Always remember that we all make mistakes sometimes. If a plan backfires and you are in distress, "look cute".
Remember that a successful cat is a well-rested cat; get your daytime sleep so that you are fresh for a rousing game of "wave" or "king/queen of the mountain" on their bed at 3 a.m.
Last, but not least, an added thought for the "human": The first thing any self-respecting cat must learn is how to take up 7/8 of the bed even when curled up in a tight ball, a purring sphere of peaceful felinity. The secret lies (like the cat) in the very middle of the bed, or a little to the top. And the fun lies in watching people try to sleep in a bed that belongs to a cat!
