I Am A Rainbow
11/9/99
God has been good to me,
He's given me years and
years, you see,
Although I died many
times, I am still here...
No point in shedding
tears.
I am a Rainbow sent from
Heaven above,
To take care of others
and give them Love.
I am many colors bright
and cheerful and full of hope,
I learned long ago how
to cope.
Now I walk along the last
path of my Life,
Have to keep myself Alive.
For I have much to finish
before I go...
I have to be an inspiration,
you know.
Always remember me,
If it should happen and
I will be...
That rainbow in the sky...
Flying high.
I can hardly breathe and
yet I must go on until I know...
Which way I will go.
I hope that God is with
me once more...
And he won't take me
away before
I have seen the
end of my story.
For that's what Life
really is... a story and you make your own glory.
Full of chapters as you
go on in your Life, planning your destiny,
Whatever, whoever you
be.
Don't forget that Rainbow,
that's Me.
I will finally be FREE.
If I should go...
Always remember I did
the best I could... God knows.
Thank You
God
11/10/99
Thank you God,
I survived,
Thank you God,
I'm alive.
Thank you God for this
precious day,
And making it special
in every way.
Good-night.
Sleep tight.
A Very
Special Day
11/25/99
Today is a very special
day for me-
I have lived to see-
Many Thanksgiving Days-
Each so different in
its own way.
I am thankful to God
for giving me 5 wonderful kids-
Each one different and
unique - quite special to love.
For all the things that
I have seen-
And all the places I
have been.
For all the new people
in my Life-
Wonderful and kind.
I have been so lucky.
For letting me live one
more year-
I wanted so much to be
here.
No idea what the future
will be-
It is definitely not
up to me.
Bent and broken but spirit
intact-
I give you my smile and
my love... true facts.
I will go on day to day-
Not knowing what will
happen- up to God to say.
I am a survivor that's
for sure-
I don't ask for much
more.
I have EFFORTS... and
other groups I have joined over this past year-
Someone is always there.
Please... don't be a Sheila
and think you can smoke-
And go on living with
your COPD
Find a cure, find something
for the rest of us; some hope.
I give you love... I
give you rainbows to dream on,
I am here for now- you
can depend upon me.
But I can't say what
God has in store-
Not anymore.
This is a very special
Thanksgiving for me-
I am still alive, you
see.
Happiness
11/2799
Thank you God ... I have
survived another day,
This one was glorious
in so many ways.
Today I spoke to my Birthday
Boy-
He brings me much joy.
My #2 son was 36 today-
That's the one that loves
to play.
I walked in the sunshine
and felt the heat-
My heart skipped a beat.
I socialized and met new
people-
They didn't mind that
I was on 02 and a little feeble.
I smiled a lot and I kissed
2 babies ... thank you God for that-
It reminded me of all
the Blessings I got.
COPD is precarious and
I really don't know much-
But I feel His touch.
I still am running a fever;
can't breathe the way I should-
Who cares?
I am alive.
Thank you God... I survived.
Someday I am going to
run away from home again,
and hide in a place where
nobody can find me.
Sleep under the stars
and sky;
and listen to the crickets
at night
Someday I am going to
run away again.
On the back of a motorcycle
with the wind roaring in my ears.
My hair blowing around
my face... and feel the wind as it caresses my cheeks-
...feel my hands freeze
from holding onto that bike.
AH! The smell of fresh
grass
the dampness of
dew on the ground in the pre-dawn-
the sunset,
fresh and silent bringing a new day.
Nobody to answer to-nobody
to worry over- just ME!
Walking, strolling, FREE-
flying over the
world, be-it by foot or by ride (motorcyle, racing car)-
Music playing, rocking
my soul.
AH! To be young and silly
in a world of my own
dreaming fantasies
once more.
It feels so good - SPEED
-So fast will I fly through the roads.
Stopping to smell the
flowers, speak to the squirrels and birds-
colors of Life
passing me in my travels.
FREEDOM. No worry about
money or food or rent or things needed.
Just ME and my feet and
my dreams.
Flying about...out in
the world of MAKE-BELIEVE.
***There is a special
sound to the whisper of the wind in your ears.
The anticipation of the
next bend in the road--
Stopping to speak to
a stranger.
I will be a Gypsy with
long flowing hair and smooth skin..
Ageless in my FREEDOM
and my search for ETERNITY.
Loving only ME.
Caring for Myself.
***
AH. SOMDAY IS WILL RUN
AWAY AGAIN
AND KEEP GOING... SLOWLY,
QUICKLY... ALONG THE HIGHWAY
LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE,
NOT NEEDING NOR WANTING NOR LONGING FOR...
JUST A BIRD, FLYING BY...
MOVING ... WITH MY FACE HELD UPWARD!
AND MY SMILE ...WITH
MY HEART FULL OF DESIRE FOR PEACE AND TRANQUILITY.
***
Someday I am going to
run way far away and just keep going with my Gypsy soul.
Don't stop me... I have
to be free.
Wind and rain, diamonds
of water wetting my lips and face...
Drenching me with feelings
of Love.
End/Beginning
Snowflakes...
Tranquility and Silence
12/1/99
Today I tasted snowflakes...
delicious and cold-
They disappear too quick
to hold.
I found tranquility and
peace and listened to the silence around me.
Took deep breathes and
began to see-
ME.
I still feel bad but
my head is clear-
I am here.
Prednisone makes me kinda
shaky-
And flaky-
Then I come down with
the Xanax pill-
Sleep until my body has
had its fill.
AH: Life is good and COPD
has not overcome me.
I am going to live and
BE.
Maybe.
Snowflakes are diamonds,
God's gift from the sky-
It made me cry.
Thank you God for allowing
me to survive...
On this wonderful Winter
Day...
Got nothing more to say.
Except ... I feel love
within me once more-
And anticipation for
whatever God has in store
for me.
Happy December 1st to
all of you-
To thine own self always
be true.
Amen.
I am beginning to wonder
who I am as I have become a mess,
Oh yes.
Prednisone has got me
crazy-
Even a bit lazy.
I keep losing things-
can't find my Rainbows today-
They got scared and ran
away.
Keep forgetting where
I am and what to do-
Not feeling blue.
I find this kind of funny-
Should publish what's
going on and make a lot of money.
Getting fat yet not eating
very much-
Body sensitive to touch.
Can't stand noise- it
makes me nuts.
Prednisone- skin is thin
and I ache all over-
Going back to bed and
hide under the covers.
Thank you God I did survive-
I am still alive.
Can't you help me please
and find another way to make me well?
And take away this Prednisone
that came from Hell?
Before I hurt somebody
beside me?
I am dangerous right
now, you see.
Prednisone sucks... too
may side effects to name-
I am so tired of this
game.
Rainbows and Prednisone
sure don't get along-
So if you find my Rainbows,
could you please send them home?
Hearts that are real speak
to other hearts,
You just automatically
start-
to understand
And hold the other hand.
Thank you God for giving
me-
The group of three.
A Nurse to help, an Aide
to care for me,
And Michael ... for Physical
Therapy.
Today we added another
heart to our crew-
To assist me in getting
over this set-back and not feel blue.
Thank you God, I have
survived.
Thanks to you I am still
alive.
And thank you for sending
me real people to help take care of me-
To guide me toward good
health; able to see-
Inside of my heart.
Life can be beautiful--
it can be sad,
Sometimes happy, sometimes
sad.
I have always been lucky
to find somebody who cares-
And able to share.
Always a stranger... always
a friend...
I hope my luck doesn't
end.
So... with all your prayers
for me and good wishes, too.
I want to say GOD BLESS
YOU.
AMEN
Thank You God, I have
survived,
Thank you God, I am alive.
Thank you for the sunshine
today-
And the lovely clouds
overlooking me; hanging high in the sky.
Thank you for helping
me to walk,
Slowly--- but step by
step.
Thank you God for this
magic day-
For giving me extra strength
to go out for a
short while.
For all the gifts that
you give to me-
I am grateful.
Day to day-
For all the ways-
You show your Love.
Thank you God.
for letting me still
be alive-
For teaching me how to
cry-
For giving me back my
smile.
And my rainbows.
Thank you God I have
survived,
I feel stronger with
your guidance-
I pray for another day.
Amen
Anticipation
and Dreams
12/6/99
Went to the beach to watch
the ocean today-
It was quiet and peaceful
... it's always the same.
The air was heavy with
mist-
Not at all like Christmas,
what kind of day is this?
My heart felt light-
I think I am beginning
to win this fight-
Maybe I will survive.
Although I know I am far
from well-
I can tell-
That I am better in some
ways-
So I watched the oceans
waves-
And dreamed about yesterdays.
Anticipation for the future
if I have one-
Things I still want to
do-
Places I want to visit,
too-
People I need to see-
I have to be-
able to breathe.
I closed my eyes tight-
And prayed with all my
might.
Thanked God for giving
me so much time-
All mine-
And watched the sky and
clouds appear-
Looked up to Heaven up
there-
Still living day to day-
But anticipating Life
in every way.
(I hope and pray).
Amen
I find myself smiling
a lot today,
Went outside to catch
some sun's rays.
I walked around a little
bit,
Still not very fit.
But I could smile and
I felt that fresh air on my face,
It was perfect - I
managed to pace
my steps along
the way.
Life takes some strange
turns that's for sure,
I am anticipating a lot
more.
I will always be sick
and frail and not able to do much-
But I feel that I have
acquired a magic touch.
I found my smile and my
face felt less frozen and stiff,
I saw flowers and lots
of things I had missed.
Oh yes I know my condition
is still quite precarious-
I have myself and all
this
energy to spare,
Though the body just
ain't all there.
Thank you God for giving
me more time to live,
To enjoy and to give
Love and support
to others who might need me-
For I am full of smiles
you see-
I don't know what changed
today--- I am still sick-
But somehow I feel
free and slick
Not as terrible as before
I seem to know what is
in store
for me.
I found my smile and I
intend to use it well-
What my future holds,
I cannot tell,
But today I am happy
and feel OK-
Looking forward to tomorrow,
come what may.
Another exciting day!
Amen
I see the lights and all
the decorations around me,
What a glorious sight
to see.
God has allowed me to
be here
For another year.
I smell the pine trees
and visualize snow,
Though I know-
There won't be
any white stuff here in VA Beach,
Though I did make a plea-
to God.
Although I still feel
pretty bad,
I am far from sad.
I see---
Lights and decorations
and many Christmas trees.
A New Year coming ...
I will be here
Have no fear.
I am no longer scared.
I found my smile (yesterday)
and I walk with my head up high,
I see the lovely blue
sky,
I feel the happiness
of Christmas all around me-
A truly wondrous sight
to see.
And now another century
is coming to be-
Hard to believe.
Enjoy and pick up your
spirits, behold-
This time of year is
worth more than gold.
Amen
Still Shaky
12/14/99
Christmas is here and
another year has gone by-
Though I am happy- I
find myself crying.
Will this be my last
year on Earth?
What is my Lifetime worth?
I am shaky and trying
to breathe-
I am observing and trying
to see.
Eyes are blurry and bones
are weak.
COPD.
But I haven't let it take
hold of me-
I am in charge here,
never fear,
This disease will not
hamper my fun-
I am not the only one
who has this dumb
disease.
Please--
After I am gone- they
will find a cure,
And much, much more.
But meantime I have to
learn to cope,
And not lose hope.
My moods are erratic and
sometimes bizarre,
I often don't know who
I are-
I pray for those who
also suffer this way,
Each and every day.
Prednisone freak that
is what I be-
Out of shape - don't
even recognize ME.
The tears wash away the
blurriness of my eyes-
While I cry-
And when I smile- I feel
quite high!
Shaky as I am - God is
still holding my hand,
Helping me to land
on
my feet and walk with my head facing the sky.
I feel like I want to
fly.
Coming down from this
illness I acquired-
I am getting rather tired.
Thank you God- at least
I am still alive-
And intend to stay that
way- oh my!
Bye!
My heart is full of anticipation
and love,
Thank you God- in Heaven
above.
I finally feel free
Of all the agony
And able to cope
I am full of Hope.
Today I sneaked out for
visit to a friend-
So much beauty to see
out there, felt it would never end.
Houses and trees all
shining with lights-
Making the world look
so right.
The sky was clear-
So was the air
It was a perfect day.
And now I hear the silence
of the night -
here alone in my home-
Anticipating ---
We are going to move
to another place-
Bigger and better where
I will stay-
And finally be happy
and at peace
A place I don't think
I will want to leave.
Finally--- I will achieve
my dream-
Life is strange, not
always what it seems.
I haven't allowed this
COPD
To take hold of me
I am planning and doing
and living my Life-
taking everything in
stride.
Anticipating.
Yes, I am still in pain-
My condition hasn't changed.
Yet I decided to make
future plans-
And do what I can
to make me happy
and fulfill my own dreams
and schemes.
Anticipating-
Whatever will be-
Finally
Amen
I see the stars in the
sky-
And today, I started
to cry.
Christmas brings back
memories for me-
Sad memories, you see.
Had some bad years in
the past,
And time seems to be
moving much too fast.
But this is a good year
and I am so lucky to be here.
No reason for a lot of
tears.
I have managed to survive,
Thank God- I am very
much alive!
The future is bright -
Everything is just right
-
I have lost my fear-
And managed to be here,
for an entire year.
I have friends and family
and a lot of reasons to live-
And some very special
gifts to give.
Like Rainbows and Love
to all of you,
I can't be feeling blue.
Merry Christmas and Happy
New Year-
to all of you out there.
I looked up and saw those
stars in the sky-
Way up high.
It was our EFFORTS Angels
waving to me-
Giving me an inner peace.
God bless all of us-
Just remember not to
lose your Trust.
Amen.
God sent me a Christmas
gift today,
He shows His Love to
me even on His birthday.
White balls of fluff
From Heaven above
Each flake shaped in
a different way
What a wonderful surprise
on Christmas day.
I looked up and tasted
the cold wet stuff,
Just a few flakes, that
was enough
To make me happy and
to know
That I am never alone.
I prayed for snow on this
Christmas Day
But never believed it
would come this way.
Thank you God for making
my day-
What more is there to
say?
I believe in miracles
and prayers
I know that God is always
there.
Amen
All alone in the middle
of the night,
In the darkness with
no light
My ceiling stars shining
in the dark
The tears start.
Prednisone again --- feeling
quite blue
I don't know what to
do.
Weight gain, bruises,
this is not me,
I look at the stranger
in the mirror, trying to see
who is there?
No clothes that fit...
nothing to wear,
Pain again, and fever,
too,
Does this ever end---
this is definitely not cool.
I need that cigarette---
but that's what got me in this fix,
With my COPD--- they
sure don't mix.
I need to go back before
this all began
Start all over --- feel
like I am cooking in a frying pan.
Life has become a series
of illness and fitting reality in
I am praying to win.
In the middle of the night
It's a terrible fight
Full of fears
Crying tears
By myself
Selfish and blue
Not caring---
or sharing.
Depression--- it sucks
Pulling myself up ---
needing hugs.
Ah: there are those rainbows
I see their glow!
Thank you God- I found
my smile-
Maybe- but it sure took
me a long while.
I made another year- and
a century too,
No reason to feel blue.
Despite the pain and
the stress,
I did my best.
I never thought I would
live this long,
So I will sing a little
song:
Happy Happy New
Year!
It is the year 2,000---hard
to believe,
What a relief-
I made it -
Although I sometimes I
felt mighty scared,
Been sick most of this
year,
Somehow I managed
to survive,
I am happy to be alive.
Don't care what will be-
I am able to see
bright skies and
rainbows and sunshine bright,
Everything today is exactly
right.
I made it... bent and
broken but smiling and free-
Still able to breathe.
I know there will be
more tears-
Throughout this year
But I don't care.
No matter what happened
in the past-
The feeling of being
grateful will last.
Happy New Year
Another chance at Life-
To take things in stride.
I made it despite the
pain
I am certainly not the
same
But I am alive and glowing
with pride-
I survived!
Coming
Down and Feeling Good
1/1/00
Back to normal but still
in pain,
No more craziness, no
more games.
Just me...
And my COPD.
It didn't get on top this
time,
I didn't give up and
pretended to be fine.
But I am not flying high-
Down from that trip in
the sky
Thank God- on my own
feet,
Where I should be.
Prednisone makes one mighty
hazy
And crazy.
Coming down and feeling
good-
The way I should
be.
This is me.
Sometimes I wonder why
I have this disease-
This thing called COPD
I want to do so much-
Enjoy, feel, and touch
Impossible when you can't
plan your days-
And often walk around
in a daze
or haze.
But this time I am A-OK
COPD didn't do
me in-
Though living with it
is a game I will not win,
But I can make the moves
And live as I choose-
For now
Somehow.
Coming down from a Prednisone
High-
No longer flying high.
Back to being me...
Maybe.
Peace is the silence of
the night,
The quietness when everything
is perfectly all right.
Peace is the sun coming
up in the morning when everybody is asleep,
As it rises and meets
the beginning of
your day-
Come what may.
Peace is a perfect rose
growing in a garden smelling so sweet
With velvet petals, iridescent
colors, growing in the heat
of a summer day
In a special place.
Peace is love and caring
and sharing
Secrets of your Life
with somebody without fearing
they will not understand
Or want to hold your
hand.
Peace is a baby sleeping
with an Angel face
Full of love and without
any hate.
Peace is feeling A-OK
And doing the best that
you can do, in every way.
Peace is that rainbow
across the sky-
After a rain - trying
to find
that pot of gold
at the very end
Something God has
sent.
Peace is what you feel
inside of your heart-
Before you part
from this world
and go to the next one high above-
where you will find more
Love.
I feel Peace inside of
me-
And love and compassion
for thee-
You are my family.
Peace.
Is the goal we all try
to achieve.
And few of us find before
we leave.
Travel with me on this
rainbow please-
And feel my inner Peace.
Peace is cleansing tears-
And living many years.
It is smiles and it is
feeling sad-
or glad.
Peace is what you feel
when you understand-
That God has taken your
hand.
And you are finally free-
To live and be.
Amen.
Today- Michael the Angel
lost his halo as he went out the door,
I found it on the floor.
Couldn't take all the
pain and tears
Or comfort our fears.
Physical Therapist- that
all he is-
Not the Angel I had wished.
My old man went to bed
and is quite ill,
He is lying mighty still.
Won't see a doctor nor
believe he is sick-
That's the way he is.
As for me, my back is
gone-pain is so bad I had to cry-
Even though I did try
not to.
I am really not blue.
I crawled about the house today and did what I had to do.
As for people - there
is nobody to trust-
I am alone as usual,
as I always was.
All of us are in the
end-
Despite caregivers or
those on whom you depend.
My best friend went to
the hospital for a stay-
I pray for her and hope
she will return healthier in a few days.
OH: I have my EFFORTS
family and the things I write-
And I am
still strong enough to continue my fight.
Live and Learn that's
the way it is-
Nothing to miss.
Life goes on and I
still smile-
Inner peace all the while-
I still see rainbows
despite the tears-
And the fears.
Live and Learn as you
go through your Life
Taking every single moment
in stride.
Nobody knows what tomorrow
will bring-
So today I shall listen
to my music and sing!
Holding my head up high-
And cease to cry.
Amen.
Don't panic! No need to
fall down now-
You can keep going somehow.
I have lots of things
wrong with me-
A secret I keep.
Not just COPD.
And here at home my situation
sucks-
Nobody to trust.
I have a family on the
Internet that's true-
What else is new?
Tears today and feeling
quite sick.
My birthday is
coming and I wish-
I weren't so damn
scared
And mad.
Trying to cope-
Losing hope-
Everybody seems to be
falling down
With whatever is going
around
My old man is gone and
looks like me might die-
In denial- don't know
why.
Don't panic! Look the
sun just came out!
Don't pout.
How can I give comfort
to others when I feel this way?
This is truly a terrible
day.
Get well my family I pray
for thee-
Just forget about me.
Think Rainbows and Smile---
Take time to stop and
smell the roses for a while---
Don't panic and don't
cry---
Don't even ask WHY!
Just say good-bye.
Amen.
My heart is heavy for
those of us who are so ill,
I keep praying but still-
God seems so far away
On this day.
Dear God please make our
sisters and brothers well,
I know you can tell-
that we need your Love
today-
To show us the way.
Especially for Glenda
- who needs to see her flowers once moree-
For Sandi and Bev and
all the rest-
Recovery.
A little more time on
Earth, please...
Thank you God for giving
me more time-
But please--- hear my
plea-
I pray to Thee-
Let those who we love
-
Feel inner peace.
Praying for all of us-
Will my prayers be enough?
Why--- oh why---
I look up to the Heavens
so high---
Wishing I could take
away their pain,
Make them all healthy
again.
Me, too---
Just a little bit more
time-
To pretend we are just
fine,
To see more -
To understand what our
Lives are for-
My heart is heavy with
pain for all those who are so sick-
Why God- why do you do
this?
Or is it just the way
Life is?
Heavenly Father up Above-
Show us Your Love.
My heart is heavy as
I pray-
Please let them stay.
Love
1/9/00
Woke up this morning and
everything was A-OK,
What a glorious day.
I see flowers blooming
outside and the sun is shining bright,
Everything seems just
right.
No--- not exactly completely
well,
Only time can tell-
What will be
But today I see:
Love--- and happiness
surrounding me.
To Hell with this old
COPD.
So maybe I can't walk
the way I want to-
I ain't going to let
that make me feel blue.
As for pain--- I told
it to go away.
And it did
For a bit.
Yes... I know--- we have
lots of sick people here on our List,
This is the way our illness
is,
I continue to pray -
For more research and
a cure someday.
As for me- this week I
celebrate another year-
My birthday is coming,
so I cheer
And celebrate
Come what may.
Love--- is what keeps
us alive,
Helps to take things
in stride.
So on this lovely day-
I say:
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT
I LOVE YOU-
These words are true.
Amen.