How to Spend Your Birthday with COPD
1/12/00
OK Here we go... no poetry,
just random thoughts on Life
as pertaining to COPD
Home Care ended finally.
The nice girl who came
to help me wash and dress-
told her Life history-
Not funny at all, she
has more problems than I do!
Help!
She was funny- smiled
and laughed a lot.
Perhaps she will get
herself together someday-
Last day she told us
enough news to sponsor our own Soap Opera video-
Then she helped me shower
and dress-
forgot the towel and
was going to dress me while I was still wet!
Help!
My used-to-be-Angel came
for the exercises.
He helped me up and down
and I did OK.
Couldn't walk after he
was done--- but that was OK.
After a bit, it eases
up and I can hobble about.
He has hopes of returning.
LOL.
Told me his dog who had
knee surgery twice (and he paid twice)
is still sleeping.
OK.
OH: He wakes up when
he takes him outside for personal business.
That's good-
We ate out at our favorite
restaurant. Delicious!
Took a ride in the sunshine.
Today: Went to hosp.
for MRI.
It wasn't as bad as I
had remembered.
They gave me the 02 ---
I love hospital 02!
The attendant noted my
tattoos when he came to inject me with the dye.
Interesting- he especially
liked the rainbow turtle.
With help and a wheelchair-
managed to get outside.
Sat in the sun! How wonderful
it felt! (dried the tears).
A patient hobbled by
and said 'doesn't that sunshine feel GOOD!"
"Oh, yes" I replied.
Back into the car...
S.O. went to return the wheelchair.
I can hardly wait to
get my own!
And so it goes.
My S.O. and I kissed
lightly and wished each other a Happy Birthday.
Home Again.
Sending Love and Hugs
and Prayers to All!
In the
Middle of the Night
1/15/00
I hear the silence of
the night-
Everyone is tucked in
tight.
Not me.
I sit here wondering
about people I probably will never see-=-
My family and friends
on line-
Are they doing fine?
I pray for the ones that
are sick
And missed-
And wonder if they will
be OK
I continue to pray.
As for me ---
As I always say:
what will be- will be.
I miss my family
My kids so far away-
In another place.
My Dad- growing old and
alone in another home-
My brother and sister-
I feel so alone.
In the Middle of the Night-
I wish there was somebody
to hold me tight-
To make everything all
right.
Used to being all by myself
that's true-
But sometimes bad news,
makes me feel awfully blue.
Sometimes I wish I could
really share-
With somebody who cares.
Sometimes I wish there
was somebody there.
In the Middle of the Night-
I can't see all those
rainbows shining bright-
And it gets so lonely
- and cold-
I can't see the sky-
Nor the stars tonight-
A winter day-
Cold has come to stay.
Oh yes--- soon it will
be another day-
And everything will fall
into place.
And I will continue to pray.
Amen.
Today--- at the time that
our Glenda was taken up to Heaven-
Large diamond shaped
snowflakes fell here in VA Beach.
She is safe and free
of pain now.
Good-bye friend.
I will miss you.
The diamonds reminded
me of your poem.
As God took you Home.
I woke up this morning
and I was brand new
Young and exotic ---
and sexy, too.
I hopped out of bed and
did my thing
Full of zing.
Looked in the mirror and
I looked great
Lost all that extra weight.
I took a deep breath---
no hose in my nose
Yeah - I know.
While I slept the magic
fairy had visited me
And everything was as
wonderful as could be.
Went to the kitchen and
cooked a big meal
Wow! How wonderful I
feel.
Music and sunshine and
rainbows, too
Happiness forever and
never feeling blue.
Magic
That's what it is.
I opened my eyes and sure
as could be-
I was back with that
COPD.
Mood swings and dreams
depression and more
Knowing only too well
what Life is for.
So use some magic and
dream with me
And everything will be
lovely and sweet.
Nice to pretend and let
some magic in
Learn to sing.
Magic is what Life is
all about you see-
It is exactly what you
choose it to be.
So let that Magic in-
Learn to dream
and Love
And pray to God above.
Amen.
White Stuff
1/20/00
Hey! What is that white
stuff I see out there?
It ain't supposed to
be here.
Not the way I had dreamed
of snow
This stuff is wet and
soggy and has to go.
Woke up today
Hey
It snowed last night
Outside it was all white
Not like the stuff I
used to see
In New York City.
It is almost gone but
everything is closed today
Hey
Snow in VA. Beach-
Doesn't seem to be
Diamonds or stars
hanging in trees
It is just wet stuff
And definitely not enough.
Thank you God for answering
my prayer
And sending it here
I got to see my snow
today-
Anyway-
Even if it is disappointing
and not all that nice
Thank you God- you sure
did try!
Amen
Peace and
Love
2/4/2000
God works in mysterious
ways for sure,
Sometimes we wonder what
for?
Then you hear that somebody
else has passed away-
Gone to rest in another
place.
I don't think that our
Angels really die-
They go up to heaven
to fly
And watch over us down
here
Taking away our fear.
And wiping our tears.
For me--- I cannot walk
and I cannot breathe
I, too, long to be free.
Of all the burdens that
come with having COPD.
But then I see the sun
and I feel its warmth
And I long
For yesterday
When I could walk and
I could breathe.
For me:
Love is a sick old man
wheeling you around to take a bunch of tests,
Forgetting to rest.
Love is him holding your
hand and commenting on its warmth-
Not cold--- meaning you
are alive!
As we ride
Together towards the
end of our lives.
Peace is a nap and quiet
and knowing you are not alone-
In a new home.
Peace and Love
To Our Angels above-
Peace and Love
And a sad good-bye.
As I take my final ride
through Life
Knowing I too don't have
much more time,
Dreaming of rainbows
as always; what else is there to do?
Sending my love
to all of you.
Peace and Love --- and
prayers to God above.
Remember to touch-
Live each day to its
fullest extent-
No matter how bad it
may be
Think positive and try
to see
beauty and peace.
Amen
Angels
in the Snow...
4/16/1995
Easter Sunday and Passover
The sun is shining and
there is peace all about.
I close my eyes and visualize...
Long sunflowers in the
sun. Yellow with brown on a long stem.
The sun is shining and
they are facing upwards toward the sky; that is why they are called 'sunflowers'
(maybe).
In my mind, I see the
velvety petals of yellow-gold against the background of clear, shining
sunshine.
(I smell the perfume
of roses in my garden of Life, too).
I close my eyes and dandelions
appear. I blow them away and make a wish.
But I don't really have
anything left to wish for.
Life is so good to me;
I cannot ask for anything more.
And suddenly I can see
the stars of snowflakes coming down.
I feel the cold against
my face and enjoy the delicious feeling of
a cold Winter day...my
favorite season.
I pretend I am a shadow
and I lie down in the wet, cold, delightful white gift
from God.
I hold my hands above
my head as I lie perfectly still.
I close my eyes and dream.
And when I get up, there
is an Angel with flying wings
lying in the snow, smiling
at me.
I close my eyes and see
the colors of Life; rainbows against a bright blue sky.
I feel the wind in my
hair and I wonder if I am really here.
God is with me, that
I know.
I let the tears of cleansing
flow down and drain my eyes
...of the blurry, hazy
vision I have today.
And suddenly, I can feel
the softness of a baby against my heart.
I can smell that unique
new and fascinating smell of the infant against my breast.
The softness of its body
and the complete feeling of Life.
"This is mine".
I do not cry for what
has been; I cry for what I will not be able to achieve.
I cry alone for all of
my lost dreams.
I close my eyes and I
am young and free and making love.
I am just 'me'.
And then I think of all
the years and I finally have found what Life is all about.
It is to be able to live
and do the best you can.
For the purpose of Life
...is to die with Dignity.
To leave a Positive Memory
for those you love.
It is truly best to Give Love than to Receive or Wait for Love.
I feel the cold and wind
and warmth of the sun.
I touch the Angels in
the pure white virgin snow.
I see rainbows.
I have found Freedom.
Oh yes
I am finally free.
Come fly with me.
Amen
Dying of
COPD
2/7/2000
Somebody said I was dying
of COPD,
I thought 'is that really
true?'
I assumed I was living
with it, too.
I don't think of dying
of this disease,
Please.
I go day to day
Living my own way.
What makes me happy and
keeps me alive
Is taking things in stride.
Anticipating tomorrow
and setting goals.
Believing I am whole.
COPD is so much a part
of me,
I couldn't think of any
other way to be.
I just do what has to
be done and take care of all my needs,
Planting seeds.
I don't think that I
am 'dying of COPD'.
As I pray for all of us
today,
Remember that you are
not dying in any way,
You are alive and living
with a disease,
Called COPD.
You do what you can and
forget the rest,
You do your very best.
Put away those sad thoughts
for awhile.
Visualize my rainbows
and smile.
You are alive and able
to cope.
Where there is Life-
there is always Hope.
Amen
Good Days
and Bad Days
2/17/00
There are good days and
bad days with COPD,
This is a peculiar disease.
Sometimes I feel as if
I am going to die,
And I cry,
And spend my day
Wishing the horrible
feeling would just go away.
Days I get up and cannot
breathe
I don't even know ME.
But today I woke up and
somehow I felt like myself once more
Getting out of bed wasn't
such a terrible chore.
Went for another test
Looking my best
And outside I found sunshine
and warmth
What a lovely day to
be alive!
I could take everything
in stride.
There are good days and
bad days when you are ill,
But today was a good
day - my heart is still full of joy.
It felt like Spring -
And inside I felt myself
sing.
Today was a good day
That I can say
I walked without pain
There wasn't any rain
I could breathe without
being SOB
I felt love inside of
me.
Look for the good days
and enjoy them in your own way-
Endure the bad days -
come as they may-
For the good days make
up for the ones that are terrible and bad
And make you sad.
There are good days
And bad days
Today was one of the
best days I have had in a long time
It was mine.
I feel peace and happiness
and better able to cope
Full of renewed vigor
and hope.
Flowers will bloom and
more sunshine will shine
All in good time.
Amen
Just wanted to say
In my own way
Don't care about bickering
nor who does what
Everybody writes letters
and gets involved whether they want to or not
This is EFFORTS and we
are a family
Whoever we are and whoever
we be.
Gary is our janitor and
he does his best
Often he is put to a
test
If you feel you can do
his job better than he can
Then stand up man
(or woman).
Happy Birthday Gary and
many more
Hope you enjoy it and
understand what Life is for
It's doing your best
And forgetting the rest
It's trying to cope
And learning to hope.
Thanks for EFFORTS and
allowing me to be here
For these years
I have learned
As we grow
And I am proud to be
a member
No matter what is sent
Woke up this morning and
my hair was all over the place,
It was really a bad hair
day.
I couldn't breathe
And all I wanted to do
was sleep.
Went back to bed with
all my aches and pains
Full of disgust and hate.
Coming down from Prednisone
you see
Makes me lose my energy.
Doctor told me to try
to get off 02
Didn't work --- made
my numbers go really low.
Prednisone has made my
hair dry
I looked in the mirror
and wanted to cry
This was truly a bad
hair day
In every single way.
I feel fat and ugly---
out of shape
This is the price we
pay
For the meds we have
to take.
Yes, I am still alive
God has chosen to let
me survive
But now I am wondering
why.
I am a mess --- with all
sorts of new woes
That's the way COPD goes.
I have a multitude of
new problems these days
All caused by Prednisone
they say.
Maybe tomorrow I will
get out of bed
And not wish I were dead
Maybe tomorrow it won't
hurt so much
And I will begin to feel
in touch
For now I am lost in
space
Not wanting to face the
day
Just want to lay
in my bed and sleep
Let everything keep
Until I feel I can cope
And not mope.
Amen
Down in the Dumps is where
I seem to be,
I can't seem to find
'me'.
Guess it happens to all
of us
When we think about what
was.
Tired of being sick and
always in pain
Days run together- it's
always the same.
Oh yes, there is sunshine
and flowers
And happy hours-
But not for these past
few days
Everything seems to be
in a haze
Still lost in space.
I know this is just a
temporary thing
Soon I will be better,
wanting to sing
But for now --- still
down in the dumps
Unable to get over this
hump.
Sometimes we just need
to be alone
Hiding at home
Until the feeling goes
away
And along comes brighter
days.
So until I am better and
feeling OK
I am going to stay away.
I will be back - someday.
Amen
I close my eyes and visualize
Rainbows all around me.
I smell the air and the
ocean out there...
Roses with a velvet touch.
I hear only silence,
sweet and quiet.
Behind my eyes I can
see...
Blue skies and fluffy
clouds.
I touch the golden hue
of Life...
And try to take things
in stride.
Silence all around me...
And rainbows behind my
eyes...
Inside of me.
I am colorful and bold
Wanting to hold
Onto what I feel.
Silence so sweet and
quiet and pure...
No noise or unhappiness
just peace.
I close my eyes and shut
out the world...
I breathe deeply and
pray for another day.
Rainbows and roses and
golden hues...
I see them with my eyes
closed.
I Send You
Smiles - Across the Miles
7/26/2000
I send you smiles across
the miles
From Heaven above.
I sit here in my Rainbow
Land home alone.
Full of pain but now
at peace
I am finally free.
Oh! I did not die - nor
did I cry
Just another COPD crisis
and more 'why's'.
I have finally found a
way to cope
With lots of hope
I am inside my heart
holding on tight
With all my might.
Walk with your head up
high - learn not to whine or cry
Just do what has to be
done and get on with your Life
Taking things in stride.
One must be strong and
know
That for every loss we
have to take
God gives us something
precious to take its place.
So I have my peace and
quiet and music too
Sending you Smiles Across
the Miles
To Say
I LOVE YOU!
Amen
Today I woke up and my head was clear,
Sheila was really here.
For the past 5 years I walked in FEAR.
All I ever heard was - go back to New York!
What makes HIM think that's what I wanted to
do?
He sure was trying to keep me blue.
No more tears and no more fear.
I'm back.
Stronger than before-
Anxious to live and learn more.
OH! It feels so good to have this clear head
And know that at last, I am not DEAD.
Yes- there is pain
Recovering again.
Children bring you back all the time
Especially MINE.
So today I say
Thanks to God for all 5 of my kids who keep
me straight.
Rick - who lives in jail,
He is only "mail".
Chas- my sunshine bright and clear
He is forever there.
My 'Kat' - doing her thing
Loving Life and always trying to win.
James - I see his face.
And my baby who made me this way
Got sick giving her life on her Birth-Day.
My Tracey-Face-ey.
To love and to care
And share
You don't always have to be there
They are inside of my heart and always will
be
To them, I will always be "Mommy".
They always bring me back.
I hear the music in the
background playing
Yesterday's sounds mixed
with today.
There is pain
Things have not changed
I still have COPD.
What seems to have altered
is ME.
All the memories and things
I did,
Are no longer 'hid'.
My eyes have opened and
I can see
I'm able to accept
Whatever will be.
Full of peace
And tranquility.
No more fear.
No more tears.
I'm not scared anymore.
Either you love me or
you hate me
I don't care either way.
I finally got the message-
All I have to do is live
from day-to-day
In my own way.
If only I could know how
much time I have to go,
If only I could see what
my future will be.
Each day that I live
is a Gift from 'God' above
I have learned to touch-
And to feel
With my heart.
If only...
I knew...
I could plan my days
Enjoy everything I see
--- and do--- in so many ways.
Rainbows & Smiles.
And sadness all the while.
Life is so precious and
sweet
What a treat!
To be so fully alive
I know... same old...
I survived.
But it means so much to
be ALIVE!
If only... I knew...
how much more time
Is mine.
This is for my Dad who
is 90 today,
And still has a lot to
say.
My Daddy taught me to
be strong
And not to do anything
'wrong'.
He said walk with your
head up high
Look to the sky.
He told me to do the best
that I can
He is a very special
man.
I have had love and hate
relationships but none that can compare
To my Daddy... who has
always been there.
He doesn't always know
the date,
Or the day of the week
as he has no bills to pay,
He lives in a Senior
Citizen place.
He still loves to be free-
Just like me.
He is my Dad-
Who loved me whether
I was good or bad.
The one who really has
taught me about Life,
And taking things in
stride.
Love...hate... and other
feelings come to the surface when you have COPD
I often don't recognize
me.
But then today I finally
got to talk to my Dad-
And I stopped feeling
sad.
He made me smile.
His laugh is so sweet.
Until once again we shall
meet.
Happy Birthday to you-
May all your dreams come
true.
Amen.
Dreams
DO Come True
Another SS Original.
Dated 8/13/2000
I had a dream but never
thought it would come true,
I'd like to tell you
about my dream.
Life isn't always the way it seems.
I wanted a place full
of rainbows and peace
Where I could just be
ME.
Enough money to get by
Until God decided it
would be my time to die.
A retirement 'job' writing,
creating, and enjoying other peoples tales
And I wanted to sail-
On Life's highway and
be free.
Well... the years went
by
And like a baby, I used
to cry.
Then suddenly this very
last time I got so ill
And due to that Prednisone---
wanted to kill.
But a nice lady came to
pray
One confused and terrible
day
She took my hand and
let me rest
I knew this was another
of God's tests.
I live in Rainbow Land
in Virginia Beach
I am Rainbow Bee
My heart is full of Peace
And I am free.
I have achieved all my
dreams.
I have enough to live
on- and things to do
And all of my EFFORTS
family - all of you
For support and just
to know that I am never alone
I live in my own home
I am able to cope
And hope.
So you see... Dreams do
come true
Depending on what dreams
mean to you.
Yes, I still have End
Term Emphysema
Or COPD
Whichever you choose
to call it... it is still there
And I still have to live
day-to-day
In Rainbow Land, USA
But I am still alive
And able to smile.
Amen
Angels...
August 20, 2000
I look up to the sky and
saw the clouds forming in the shape of Angels wings,
I heard the Angels begin
to sing.
I felt the tears on my
face...
For my friend has gone
to that other place.
We have another Angel
today,
She has died and gone
away.
We are left behind.
Oh: You say now she is
free
And able to breathe?
What about ME!
I no longer have a friend
to share my thoughts with or my love,
She has gone to Heaven
above...
Much too soon.
So ... to my Sandi I say,
On this terrible day,
I thank God for
the short time we were able to touch,
I will miss you so much.
For all the things we
shared and were able to see-
I will never forget you
and I will cry-
When I read your notes
... and wonder : why did you die?
She is flying up high
In the sky
Amidst the marshmallow
clouds and stars
Oh so far
Above us.
God bless you up there
I know you will be looking
out for all of us down here.
You taught me so much
In your quiet way with
your calming touch
I will always be grateful
for having known you
For always being there
when I was blue
For the laughter and
the smiles
Across the miles
Angel fly high.
Good-bye.
Amen
I Hope
You Understand
7/30/91
I hope you understand
that I never wanted to be mean.
Or act the way it seemed.
But when you have to
count your days,
You lose patience with
people's ways.
You forget to smile and
you sometimes act quite sad,
So people think you are
mad.
When you are only preoccupied
with getting through your day,
In a positive way.
Forgive me for all the
silly and crazy things I may have done,
I never meant to harm
anyone...
I tried to keep myself
feeling full of love,
While praying for PEACE
from God above.
Too bad wisdom comes when
it is too late,
And God has already sealed
your fate.
Remember to hug somebody
everyday,
Or think about my rainbows
and blue skies...
Heaven knows... I tried.
I think about Life and
remember that even flowers die,
But until I fade away
as those flowers do... I will continue to smile.
Amen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was written during
one of those times
When I was told I only
had a short time to live.
I am still here.
And probably will be
for many more years!
Attitude is 90% of survival
with COPD
That's what I believe.
I am a
Lady
7/30/2000
I am a lady, I walk with
my head up high,
I don't cry.
When I no longer can
walk - I sit in my wheelchair and doze
And dream of those-
who have passed
me in my Life.
Sometimes it gets rough
and tough
But I am full of Love
Nobody tells me what
to do
I know.
Give me my Camel and my
cuppa coffee and leave me be-
I am ME.
EFFORTS QUEEN BEE
Amen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Bee- thank you for
keeping me going these almost past 2 years.
Each time I wanted to
cry or die
I looked at your pictures
on EFFORTS
and read your story.
I love you.
You have achieved what
I always dreamed of.
To go out with dignity
and peace.
And to stay long enough
to learn to love and receive love!
Amen.
Life...
9/22/2000
I discovered something
today.
And I just have to say...
Life is for the Living...it's
quality not quantity that counts.
Some of us live as if
we have already died,
Never crying
Or smiling
Or enjoying what God
has given us to see
Not really being alive
or free.
It don't matter how long
you got to live,
It's the love you give
And the way you feel
inside your heart
It's how you start...
your day.
I have been sick and really
sad and blue
But I never forget to
say "I love you".
I cherish each moment
and find joy in what I see
I just want to BE!
Life is for the Living,
no matter how you live,
In a wheelchair, in a
bed, if you are alive... you got to give.
Strive for what really
counts and is meaningful to YOU
What is real and TRUE.
And so I say: to all of
my family right here
Glad you are there
To share
And care.
I love all of you-
That is my truth.
With a smile... and a
good feeling tonight,
I will close and say
'bye'!
Amen
THANKSGIVING
AGAIN...
11/15/2000
Another year has come
and gone by
much to fast,
And soon will be part
of our past.
I never thought I'd be
here for another year,
I was full of fear,
So much sickness... so
much change,
But here we go again.
No tears,
Or useless fears.
Just good wishes for
everyone.
Thankful for rainbows,
stars, blue skies,
Realizing that all I
can do is try.
Still living day-to-day,
Enjoying what I can do,
Trying hard not to feel
blue.
Thankful that those who
are ill are still here with us,
All of us have gone through
so much,
Together this year.
Happy Thanksgiving to
all of you.
Old members and new members,
too,
May all of our dreams
come true,
The sick get well,
The weak learn to cope,
And every one of us,
to hope.
Amen